After I’d gotten my hair to lie flat and had chosen an outfit suitable for a girls’ night out (a red T-shirt, with my favorite skinny jeans and chunky boots), Carrie arrived to sweep me away in her new Toyota. She left the engine idling while I threw lame excuses back to my parents, something about shopping for a new dorm rug.
Before I even reached the car I could hear the beat of yet another top-forty country Western song vibrating through the metal frame. Carrie loves country music - she’s obsessed, and stubbornly refuses to change the radio station no matter how much Rachel and I beg. Not even during the commercial breaks.
But as soon as I slipped into the backseat, the music went mute, and Carrie turned to eye me expectantly.
“What?” I asked, confused. “What’s wrong?”
She sighed, then reached over to adjust the volume to background music. “Oh, nothing.”
“Fine,” I said, rolling my eyes, but Rachel translated for me.
“She’s annoyed that you didn’t tell us about getting back together with Adam.”
My jaw, literally, dropped. “What?”
Rachel just shrugged. “Well, he invited you over, didn’t he?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I informed both of them. “Adam is an a*****e.” I had to mutter the last word under my breath, but I still noticed Rachel cringe. “And anyway, I’m only going so we can break up officially.”
“Oh, right,” Carrie said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Like you couldn’t do that over the phone.”
I knew she was joking, but it still bugged me that she had to act so immature over something so stupid. “Maybe Stella wants to see him in person,” Rachel said quickly. “So he doesn’t misunderstand.” She eyed me from the corner of her eyes, as if to say, Right?Right,” I said, nodding for emphasis. “Exactly.”
“
“Well, I hope so,” Carrie said, and I cringed as the music crept up another few decibels. The light banter continued for the remainder of the car ride, with Rachel defending both cases carefully, and me biting my lip as Carrie relinquished our entire history together.
“But we’re not dating,” I finished as Rachel turned to scan the street for the right address. “And anyway, it’s just another summer fling. We’ve been through plenty of them before, and I’m never going to remember his name in five months anyway.”
Carrie just winked. “Well, be sure to let me know about the engagement as soon as possible, because I need to drop ten pound at least if I’m going to fit into a bridesmaid dress.”
The house wasn’t as loud as I’d expected, as we guided our way to the kitchen. A college-aged boy was draped unconsciously over a leather sofa, and a red-haired girl was sitting by the window, looking sober and teary-eyed.
“Where are the drinks?” Carrie whined. “There’s nobody here.” It was true - the party looked dead already.
“Ah, ladies!” I heard Adam say from behind us. I didn’t turn, but winced as I felt his arm slide across my shoulder. “You’re a bit late.” He wandered over to the fridge, then tossed us each a Miller Light. Rachel accepted hers hesitantly, as if she wasn’t sure what to do with it.
“To us,” Adam said, raising his bottle in a toast. He clinked his beer lightly against mine, and I made a face. “Now and forever.”
“Right,” I muttered, as Carrie’s eyebrows raised in disbelief. “About that. We need to talk.”
“We’re already talking, aren’t we?” he asked smoothly. “Haven’t seen you girls in forever. What’ve you been up to?”
They chatted, while I tried inconspicuously to inch out of his grip. It was kind of sad, the way he held me, as if it were any other day. One hand on the back of my neck, his thumb stroking the skin there. I used to be crazy about little things like this, and now it made me grit my teeth. What had happened?
“Adam,” I said, louder. “Um…honey? Could we go in the yard for a minute?”
He cut off abruptly, glancing up with a pained expression. I caught Rachel flashing me a sort of Good luck grimace as Adam reached over to unlock the back door and lead me onto the dark patio set. There were a couple girls I didn’t recognize, as well as a few sophomore boys whose names I vaguely remembered.
“So what’s this about?” he continued nonchalantly. Completely oblivious - or stupid.
“Adam,” I sighed. “Enough, okay? This was fun, before, but you’ve got to cut the crap now.”
He didn’t even blink.
“Face it, Adam. Things are different now. And frankly, I’m just not interested.” I shrugged off his grip and took a step back, enough to clear my head and escape his horrible breath.
“Stella,” he sighed, and closed the distance before I could protest. “I hate it when you do this.”
I noticed another group leaning against the fence, looking at us with interest, and I pulled him to the other side of the yard. “The thing is,” I started again, but he cut me off.
“Cut it out, okay? Spare me the lectures.” Adam’s smiled had grown tense, as if he’d been anticipating this from the start and was determined to smolder it. “You think too far ahead. Right now it is summer, and right now I love you. Isn’t that enough?”
I shook my head. “Adam, you’re missing the point.”
“No,” he said easily. “My point is that I miss how you used to be, Stella. Don’t you remember any of that? I know I do.” He reached out to take my hand, and I winced at the touch of his cold, clammy skin.
“I remember,” I mumbled. “I just don’t want…”
“What?” he murmured. “You don’t want me?”
“I don’t want this,” I clarified. “I’m done.”
He just waited, his lips still pressed to my ear. I started to push him away again. “Adam, don’t. Stop it.”
“It’s okay,” Adam whispered. “Don’t over think it.”
I tried to pull away, but his hands clenched at the nape of my neck and left me frozen in his grip. “I missed you,” he told me. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Your breath smells horrible,” I said, wincing. “Seriously, Adam. Let go of me.”
He eventually loosened his grip, muttering incoherently, but not before I heard someone else call my name.
“Stella?” It was Carrie, also lounging on the back patio, accompanied by the sophomore group. They eyed her wistfully; her face was already flushed light pink, and Rachel stood nearby, her beer untouched.
“Can’t your friends wait a couple minutes?” Adam asked. He looked irritated.
“No,” I told him flatly. “And neither can I. Goodbye, Adam.” I took a final swig of beer, then pressed the empty bottle into his hand. I marched across the lawn and grabbed Carrie’s hand, Rachel trailing wordlessly. I couldn’t tell if Adam was still watching me, and I realized blankly that I didn’t care.
We climbed into the car wordlessly, but none of us mentioned what had happened, though I knew they’d seen it, probably scrutinized the whole thing. If they’d looked closely they might have noticed the quick glitch on Adam’s expression, the slight catch in his eyes as he watched his last girlfriend leave him for the last time. Maybe he’d hoped I would be different, that I’d be the one who would set aside everything to fall into his arms and set myself up for disappointment. But it had been a simple decision, so easy for me to solve, because it was always the same answer.
“That was a bust,” Carrie sighed. “Those kids looked like they were from junior high.”
She turned on the radio on as we curved back onto the street, and we were deafened with an old Dolly Parton song. Her voice warbled into a piercing high note, one that made me want to cover my ears. I couldn’t even understand the lyrics.
“Stella, are you okay?” Rachel shouted over the music, looking anxious.
“I’m fine,” I mouthed. She seemed to understand.
Carrie coasted around for a while, because it was too early to head home. I didn’t mind; I pressed my cheek against the cold window and watched various pieces of the neighborhood pass by. A tire swing, a park bench, a street sign, an abandoned tricycle. It was familiar…and disorientating. Every scene was a constant reminder of where I was, so far from where I wanted to be.
“Did you let him off easy?” Carrie asked suddenly. I jumped at the sound of her voice, and when I didn’t answer immediately, she added with suspicion, “You did let go of him, didn’t you? You’re officially single?”
“Yes, Carrie,” I recited, because it was what she wanted to hear; unfortunately, it was also true. “I am single.”
“Good.” She reached over from the front seat to pat my knee. “I’m glad to hear it.”
“Please don’t start singing ‘Single Ladies,’” Rachel groaned, and we laughed.
“Are you kidding? I couldn’t be happier to be single.” Carrie swerved into a parking lot, and Rachel gave a sudden squeal before she continued. “I mean, I’m not a complete feminist. One day I want to be married, but I’m not going to be one of those pouting little b*****s who go out looking for it. That’s not how you fall in love. Love is confusing and awkward and unplanned. It hits you in the face when you least expect it.”
“Cheers,” I muttered. “Let’s avoid it while we can.”
“But for all we know, Adam could have loved you,” Rachel said shyly. “I mean, none of us know for sure. Things could have been different.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “They could have been.”
“But Stella did what she wanted, and she’s happier now because of it,” Carrie concluded. “Right, Ella?”
“Right,” I answered thoughtlessly. “I mean, it’s not like it’s going to make much of a difference once I’m gone.” I yawned and propped my head against Rachel’s shoulder, too tired to notice the awkward silence that had followed.
“Once you’re gone?” Carrie repeated, and I felt my stomach drop. I hadn’t thought about letting them in on the plan - hadn’t thought about letting anyone in on the plan, really. I’d been so excited to take off that I hadn’t thought about the people I’d be leaving behind.
“Well, I mean…”I hesitated, because I knew there was no way to break it to them gently. “I’m leaving soon.”
Carrie shrieked. “You got your acceptance letters?”
“No,” I said quickly. “I’m…I’m not going to college. Not this semester, anyway.”
The silence was worse this time, despite my nonchalant tone; uneasily, I shifted my gaze to the car floor. Was it so horrible to want a little break, now that we’d just graduated from high school? I knew a lot of people who hadn’t gone to college. I never thought I’d be one of them, but now that I thought about it, it wasn’t such a big deal.
“You’re not going to college?” Rachel’s blue eyes were huge, as if I’d just confessed to cannibalism. “But you have to. You’ve been talking about it all year! What are you going to do instead?”
“I don’t know. But I can’t stay in _________ any more. It’s driving me crazy.”
Carrie looked relieved. “Well, don’t worry. There’s still plenty of summertime left, right? I’ve been thinking about having a little road trip, myself. My uncle has a lake house in Michigan, and I’m sure he’d let us stay there for the weekend.”
“I don’t know, Carrie,” I confessed. “I don’t think this is a road trip kind of thing. It’s something I want to do by myself. It’s just…I hate having everyone breathing down my neck all the time. I need more than just a vacation.”
Carrie’s forehead furrowed. “What did you have in mind?”
“It wouldn’t be too far,” I said quickly. “I’ve thought about Rockwood, or Colby.”
“Colby,” Rachel echoed faintly. “Stella, that’s miles from here.”
I watched the restaurant owner walk outside to throw covers over the lawn furniture. My breath on the window made it hard to see; all I could make out was a red T-shirt and a baseball cap before he went back inside and switched the lights off.
“It’ll be fun,” I promised. “You guys don’t have to come with me, or anything. It won’t be permanent.”
Carrie bit her lip. “Stella, I’m not saying it isn’t a good idea, but…that doesn’t sound like you.”
“No, it doesn’t,” Rachel agreed nervously. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Oh, God,” Carrie sighed. “It’s Adam, isn’t it?”
“No,” I snapped. “It doesn’t have anything to do with you, okay? I’m just sick of this place. I thought you were, too.”
Carrie turned in her seat before I could make out her expression. “Do what you want, Stella. It’s not like we’re going to stop you.”
After that, the conversation died. We headed toward town in silence, and by the time we passed the IHOP, I wished I hadn’t said anything. I’d known, even as I explained, that they wouldn’t understand, but I hadn’t expected them to. Saying goodbye was just something I had to get over with before I left.
***
Aside from all the childhood vacations to Disney World and one RV trip through Indiana, I’d been an Oklahoma girl my entire life. I’d never seen a snowfall, or a mountain cap, or an ocean border. Not up close, anyway.
So it took me a lot of searching to find a couple of worn travel bags in the attic above the garage, and even more time to empty out my closet, sorting everything into separate piles. I was eager to leave, but I knew that I had a lot of other work involved in my plan. I couldn’t afford to be sidetracked - I spent the remainder of my weekend at home, organizing my list of things, debating over what to leave behind and what to take along for the ride. Most of them were impulsive - my baby blanket with the purple stripes; my favorite picture books as a child; my old Barbie doll, still smiling despite the rats in her hair and the holes in her sequin ensamble.
“You don’t have to start packing yet, sweetheart,” my mother said, when she spotted me towing several boxes of elementary school memorabilia from the basement. “College takes time. You still have a lot of decisions to make.”
“I know,” I’d said quickly. “I’m just looking ahead.”
She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and bent down to pick up a finger painting that had fallen out of its box. “It seems like just yesterday that was you, doesn’t it? Making soap bubbles, getting gum stuck in your hair, playing mermaid in the bathtub?”
I grimaced. “Well, I don’t know. I mean, I want to leave it behind. It’s just junk, right? But…”
“Oh, honey,” she whispered, and I could smell that fruity perfume again as she pressed her lips to my forehead. “You don’t have to grow up all at once. Things may seem confusing now, but they’ll get better. They always do.”
“I know,” I said flatly. “Thanks, Mom.”
“We’re so proud of you,” she sighed. “Why don’t we eat dinner together, all three of us? You’ve been so busy lately…come on, we can make tacos. Your favorite, right?” She grinned, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, and I decided not to mention that Mexican food gives me stomach aches. Instead, I followed her into the kitchen, and by the time Dad got home from the travel agency we were already setting the table.
I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had a family dinner. Someone was either eating over the counter or reading the newspaper under the table, if they’d made it to the table at all, or someone arrived with Chinese take-out in the middle of the meal, or someone was just plain gone. And, okay, that someone was usually me, but I was making an effort, wasn’t I?
“Hi, honey,” Mom called. “Come sit down! Stella helped make tacos.”
“Sure,” he said, dropping some papers on the counter. “Smells good.”
“Thanks,” Mom and I said at the same time, and she giggled.
There wasn’t much to talk about - Dad complained loudly about his clients, and Mom knocked over the pan of Spanish rice when she got up to refill her glass of water, so conversation was a bit uneasy.
“Have you been working on your applications, sweetheart?” Dad asked, once we were finished eating.
“Sort of,” I said. “Do you want me to take your plate to the sink?”
He nodded, and I cleared the table off without thanks. “It’s really important for you to fit time into your schedule. To be honest, I think you spend a little too much time with your friends, Stella. Don’t you want an education?”
“Sure.” I loaded the dishwater and helped Mom pack the left-over food into the fridge. “Things have been kind of crazy lately, you know? I’m sure I’ll find the time to do it later.”
“Okay, sweetheart. Just don’t put it off until the last minute, okay? I’m still waiting for those acceptance letters.” He winked.
“Sure,” I repeated. Before graduation, I’d had my heart set on Oklahoma State - and I’d sent out a few other applications, to please my parents. I wondered idly what they’d do with the rejection notices when I was gone.
I thought about them later that night when I couldn’t sleep. Things had been easier when I was younger. They’d been the kind of parents that brought in cupcakes on my birthday or let me stay up an hour later on school nights if I promised to clean my bedroom. Even in junior high I’d worked so hard to shut them out of my life, but they’d always been there, regardless. It was going to break their hearts, what I was about to do.
My only comfort was that I wouldn’t be around to see their reaction.
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