Prologue

 

 

The world was shattering, the sky was falling, the earth was spinning in circles. All I knew was that my mind was numb and my lungs were burning for air as I ran, tripping and sprawling over the loose hem of my gown. People stared in alarm as I raced down the streets, but I could barely see them. Everything was black, I couldn’t think straight, but I had to keep moving.

Once I reached the town square I knew that the edge of the forest was not far off, and sure enough the houses and churches began to fade into wilderness. I sprinted along the dirt trail with heavy footsteps, exhaustion slowly increasing. People were yelling after me, calling my name, and I struggled to block the sound and keep the dizzying images from clouding my sight. But soon I had veered off the trail, and I was disappearing into a labyrinth of trees, bushes, and wildflowers. I was running with every ounce of my strength, and yet every stride was draining my energy away. It felt like hours later before I finally collapsed onto the ground, panting, with my heart hammering rapidly in my chest.

Reviews

[*~Imperfectly Me~*]

This is a great start to this story, it makes the reader wonder whats going on and whats going to happen.

" it was torn and stained and wrinkled, and my opal necklace was knotted around my neck" I felt like you used too many "and"s. It in my mind made it a little amature not that this is anything amature.. You captured the moment in such a vivid way it could rival some of the best authors out there...

This was good, it drew the reader in and now it has hooked me so i will at a later time read more. Good Job.

[Maria]

Excellent start indeed. I will definitelly read the next chapter just to see what its all about and if the chapter is like the prologue you would have done an awsome job in capturing my attention.

[Gabbie]

ohh suspense!
i love it.

[Str8jacket]

This is a great beginning. It grabs you and dosen't let go. You can almost see the images in your head and feel every emotion.

[Initium]

i absolutely loved that start.

[Titus McGuire]

This is a good beginning; it does leave the mind curious as to what is to come next, and what happened to lead up to this event. However, I felt there should have been more to it. You did a fantastic job with description, especially actions, but...I felt there was something missing. I can't quite explain it, but it seemed to be that there should have been something more, that some element was missing. Perhaps it is just that the prologue seems hurried, which does work with the frantic nature of the character, don't get me wrong, but I feel that there should be a little more to it. That's just my opinion, though. Anyways, this does leave me curious, and brings forth many questions in the mind that can only be answered by reading more of your book, so you definately have got a hook here. Overall you did a fine job with this piece. Bravo.

[Aspiring Angel]

Told ya I'de be back. LOL What a wonderful beginning to this book. I have a few minutes until my Grandson arrives on the scene for today so off I go to read at least the first chapter.

Blessings,
Lesa

[cloister]

There's a lot going on in this piece, both good and--not "bad" exactly, just sort of "off". There's tons of movement, energy, and mystery in the scene, which is all good. The character's voice is strong and her state of mind is clearly conveyed. That's all good. But there's a lot of spots where the writing needs some polish.

Like someone else said, you do tend to use run-on sentences. That can work, particularly for someone who is in a very moment-to-moment frame of mind, like your heroine is. But for whatever reason I don't find it working here. If you made a conscious choice to use run-ons to underscore her running flight, then try to re-work them so they flow a little smoother. Otherwise, I'd highly encourage splitting them up into smaller sentences. Here are some specific trouble spots:

"My lungs were gasping for air". Well, no, not really. Maybe YOU were gasping for air, but your lungs weren't. Your lungs may have been desperate for air, may have been craving air, may have been burning or dying for air, but they weren't themselves gasping. The person as a whole gasps, but the lungs themselves don't. Not only does this sentence become cleaner with "I was" instead of "my lungs were", but IMHO it's also a stronger statement for the character to make.

"I sprinted along the dirt trail with heavy footsteps." What dirt trail? You didn't tell us there was a dirt trail. We went from city or town street (implied) to dirt trail (explicitly mentioned) without any transition or hint that it was coming. You don't need much, but something: "I plunged past the end of the street onto a dirt trail and ran with heavy footsteps between the trees." I see this particular mistake, introducing a previously unknown noun with "the" instead of "a" all the time. And it's always jarring, as it implies that the reader is already supposed to know what the author is talking about.

The thing about the necklace getting tangled up from running--that's fine. But having it get tangled so tightly that it would suffocate the character? I don't buy it. Unless the character's neck also started to swell up after the necklace got tangled, which you didn't tell us about and therefore didn't happen, it just doesn't seem credible to me. I can see her passing out for a number of other reasons in this situation, but not due to accidental necklace strangulation. Have her run till she can't take another step and then pass out in exhaustion. Have her whack her forehead on a low branch. Something, but not this.

[Patrick Gerlits]

I'm assuming she wears the necklace and gown because she was the bride at the wedding she had just run away from?
Assumptions aside I'm surprised someone so young can write this well, though I had some trouble really getting into it.
I definately will read the next installment.

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

Wow. Very descriptive, like a movie. I can see the girl running through the streets, trying to claw off some monster no one else can see. i can't wait to get to part 2. only thing?

each paragraph should and the first one. about 5 spaces, it was a little jumbled.

but otherwise, good.

[These Haunted Hallways]

Woh! She fainted? Omg, intense! I really liked this here, truly!!! Now, i can really tell this is going to be a best seller hehe. The imagery was perfect, and it totally drew me in. The clouds, the trees, the sky, the darkness, the pain and sorrow. But woh, it just chilled me when i read that she lost consciousness. Awesome heart-beater!

B.A.