Chapter 4: The First Lie

The consequences of Emily's recent actions are falling into place.

Emily.

 

I give myself a headache just thinking about

    how to put my clothes away.
 If I just stuff                       
                            them into drawers
 I might look a bit angry,
 

          and they might think

I have anger management      

                                                          issues, but if I fold them
 neatly and

 

                               gently place them into the drawers
I might look f*****g         

                            nuts because really,
what teenager does that?

 

                         I don’t realize just how

 long I have been thinking        
               about all of this until someone says something.

        "You know, this isn’t Hogwarts

the clothing doesn't

   fold itself if you stare
at it long enough."

 

                                      This breaks  my trance and    
                                     
              my eyes dart  towards the door.
 It is a         

                           

     patient, a boy.
Being guided by a nurse.

 

       He looks about my age,
 and sane enough.                 

                            I wonder what is wrong with him,
as he's nudged

 

                    forward and away
from my doorway. I am too         

                            shocked to respond to his
witty comment. But

      

                            if he noticed, that means
 the nurse probably did too,


  and staring at them in awe and


                not moving/breathing/responding,

     

                              probably isn’t the most
normal thing a person could do       
                   
                 either. So I decide to settle with


 looking slightly angry and a little nuts.

 

                          I fold my clothes, not neatly
 I might add, and shove them


                              into random drawers.


 It doesn’t take me too long and when I

 

          finish, I smile and rest
 my hands on my hips, content               

                              with my accomplishment.


 "Excuse me, Emily?
 Dr. Alcona is ready to see you now."

 I look up to see a
 different nurse with a clipboard.  
              
 He smiles genuinely and I
wait for him to withdraw from my room.
 
I turn my attention back
to my suitcase, so he can retreat    

 and  leave me in peace.
But he doesn't. In my peripheral vision I      
                                    
can see him standing there,
a little amused, waiting.                 
                           
"Oh, Emily. You don’t think
 you can go alone do you?"

 
"Well yeah, I thought I could,
I’m not physically disabled, I can walk."                    

He smirks at my
sassy remark

 which isn't exactly the
reaction I was hoping for.

"Things are very different
 here Miss Greene."
                              
Oh yeah, I want to say,
I’ve noticed. I dip my head

in understanding and
and walk towards
                                     
him. He closes the door
 behind us and put his arm behind me,

in that lingering way, not quite
demanding but not exactly

a suggestion either. I assume
 we have reached our

destination because he
 stops suddenly and his

 knuckles rap on the heavy
wooden door.
 
I'm not sure what to expect,
but when the door swings

open my heart drops into
my stomach as a too

happy face, appears,
beaming at me.

I don’t like this synthetic,        
fake happiness bullshit they

are all parading around this place with
As though it's some sick trend.

"Hello, Emily."

The voice matches the face,
sickingly happy.
 

She is kind of a scary lady,


she looks as though
she has had one too many
Botox injections but
isn’t fooling anyone

of her age with
 those dark gray roots.
 I stutter a shy "Hello,"
back. She smiles again


and I resist the
urge to slap her.
"Well, come on in.
Thank you so

 much James,
 please send Paige
back to retrieve Emily
for dinner in 20 minutes."

 Retrieve? What am I?
A dog?
Her words make my
stomach twist

uncomfortably. I keep
my mouth shut though,
little Emily
needs to be a good girl

so they can see that this
 is a mistake and
I don’t belong in a
place like this.

"So, Emily, have a
seat my dear. How are
you finding it?
Like your room?"

I almost laugh in response.
"My room? Well, it’s not much of a room
is it? More like a bed in the
middle of a white cave."

She begins to nod apologetically,
a false frown created by the
poisonous lips, twitching
creepily before she answers.

"Well, you must understand
why, my dear. I am
 here to explain, and I
 promise I will do exactly that."

I begin to squint in concentration.
My head feels so
empty without anon.
I focus on trying to find it.

How weird
 it is to think
without two voices
bouncing around up there.

"Yeah, I guess. At least
I get my own bathroom,
didn’t have that at home."
This earns me a laugh

from the scary woman.
I force a small smile in return.
I want to get on her
 good side, right?

If I want to get out of
this loonie bin, fighting
against the authority sure isn’t
going to work.

"I’m glad you can look at
it that way as well. But we do have
to talk about the serious
side of this too you know.

Do you know why you are here, Emily?

I draw back into my seat
 a little and begin to slouch,
 my new found confidence
seems to disintegrate.

I feel the cool, absence
 of anon’s heat disappear and
its harsh voice began to
 murmur incoherent words.

‘I-I’
It buzzes around my skull,
certain phrases louder
and clearer than the rest.

 They say
terrible things,
disgusting instructions,
 specific, step by step.

Lean across the desk,
and rip a strand of her
hair out. Tell that stupid
c**t to f**k off and

that you aren’t going
to tell her anything. We’re
going to play
this the dirty way.

I guess my face has
began to change, my current
emotions on display
for my evaluator to see.

F**k you anon; I
whisper back, we both need
to get out of here, you need
 to let me take control.

I try to reason
with anon, while trying to
keep my composure
on the outside.

 It feels like World
War III goes at  it
in my head. A taxing battle
that I am sure to lose.

 I attempt to look
as though I am deep in
thought, but she doesn't
buy it.

"Is something wrong, Emily?"

There is a hint of
 sarcasm in her voice
though she tries to mask
 it with worry and genuine concern.

"I’m fine."
I manage to blurt out, while anon
 seems to hush down and
 let me take the lead.

"Well, if you could answer
my question then please."
 I wrack my brain for recent
memory of a question

 coming from her morbid
 lips. Then I remember.
"Yes, I do know why. But I do not
believe that this is the place for me."

 Dr. Alcona stares
at me with snake-like eyes.
Surveying their prey before
going in for the kill. I feel as

though she has wrapped her
tail around my neck.
I hold my breath, waiting for
her reply.

She leans forward
and taps her fingers
 onto the desk loudly
"And why do you think that?"

I think I see her smirk,
but she cleanly covers
it up with a straight, serious
look.

"I am not trying to scare you
 Emily, I really want to know
why you think you don’t belong in
a place like this."

Her words begin to anger me
and so I spit out the first
thing that comes to mind.
the words I know she wants to hear me say,

"Because I’m not crazy."

She stops tapping.

 


 

She continues to stare with determination,

 

what she is determined to do?
I can’t tell you. I don’t know.
I've given her everything, haven't I?
"I acted on an impulse. I didn’t
mean to take things that far."

She weighs this answer in her
head, thinking of the right response.

Well, she always has the right response.
Anon starts to heat up again, angry
 with my previous humiliation. I cool

it down, driven to make a come back.
"You swallowed nearly 90
capsules Emily,you must’ve
known  the consequences .
We aren’t here to scare you, or

 make you worse. We are here to
help you get through this rough time.
The more you tell me, the faster we
can help you out get of here. Now,
who were you talking to before

you took all those pills?"
This question makes my whole
body shiver. I never thought
of an excuse or an alibi because
I didn’t think anyone would

have remembered. But count
on my dear, caring mother
to remember every single
detail about that day.
I know I did.

It was a windy day.
Summer had come to
an end and it was the beginning
of fall. September 17th, 2012.
 The leaves were colours of

earthy browns and pumpkin
oranges, swirling around in
small hurricanes all around
 my front lawn. The smell of

soil and organic nature had
been lingering outside for
quite some time. It was calm
weather, the kind of weather
where you grab a book, some

tea and sit outside to ease any of the
stress or frustrations in your life.
Well, what I was doing was anything
but calm.
She was downstairs while I

was taking the pills. Anon
and I had got gotten into a
heated argument to the point
where I began to yell aloud.
My mother was good at

her job. She decided to
give me some space and
privacy to sort it out. Thinking
 I was just having a simple
 argument with a friend from

school. Why would she think
anything else of it? Sweet,
innocent, perfect Emily was
slowly going insane and
hearing voices?

No, that wouldn’t
have crossed her mind.
It’s not exactly a thought that
just stumbles on through.  
But when my body couldn’t

 

handle the toxic levels of
Tylenol in my system, I
passed out and knocked down
several trophies perched on
my book shelf. Like any other

concerned parent she
rushed upstairs to see
her daughters’ lifeless body
sprawled on the carpet
and several bottles

scattered close by.
Naturally, I had expected
her to forget about the
yelling. So now, as Dr.
Alcona questions me

I decide to let anon through
a bit to give me a good
explanation for the serpent.
My boyfriend.
 I consider it quickly.

A secret boyfriend? Will she buy
that? I really don’t have any
other choice, anon has provided
me with the best possible answer.
So I speak the words as casually as I can.

"My boyfriend."
This doesn't faze her
at all. She was expecting some bullshit
lie. She stares at me
for a few moments before

sighing, seemingly giving up.
"Okay Emily, you’ve won this time,
We’re going to have a chat
very soon and I hope by then
 you realize just how important

 the truth is here. Goodbye now."
I take this as a dismissal
and get up out of my chair
unsteadily. Paige rushes in
at exactly the right moment to

take me out into the hallway.