Stillitude Is that a Word?

Zillions of seconds of life have whizzed by me vrrrrrommmmm whoooosh

leaving me on my  behind

chasing after my tail

running after that pyrite

twinkling out there calling me

as I got closer is was just glitter and no substance

Running after love

expecting someone else to hand it to me with a fragrant rose

Running after myself

not understand who I was.

Full of hope

full of noise

full of enthusiasm abounding.

fearful of tomorrow but pushing into it anyway 

hoping no one would burst my bubble

but I was the one with that long sharp hat box pin

bursting my life as it got comfortable

Seeking stillitude in the middle of the hustle

learning to be quiet and content

In the middle of a hurricane.

calming myself as my life is torn in shreds by the wind.

As when Dorothy left for OZ in a whirlwind.

The stripping down to the bare bones of character

Pushing away of the extraneous distractions and the lies I have told myself for years.

That happiness has eluded me because I wasn't worthy to be loved

by  myself

or someone precious.

In the stillitude the quiet hours of evening

 a hush has started descending on my soul

You are all you have

everything will be all-right.

you can enjoy who you are without regret

no more pointing the finger and putting myself down

no more harshness

no more insecurity.

In my aloneness and peace with  that

one day I will be ready to share my stillitude with someone else.