Othentik (Authentic)

Blog from 2007

Most people I trully believe have a desire to be known, understood for who they are and accepted. We all put on faces towards the world for our protection and it is a financially sound idea. What happens when you think you are "being real" and someone comes along and maybe unknowingly challenges that. They show you up for who you really are? Especially if you are already going through a particulary tough time in your life. lol

Sure why not pile my mental/spiritual/emotional baggage on the funeral pyre of your life lol. As the dross burns off of your soul and it is exposed to an agonozing catharsis. Hopefully what will remain will become something trully of value and beauty. Epiphanies are wonderful opportunities for growth in our lives, if we recognize them and allow them to change us they aid us in healing. I think one of those happened thanks to a guy by the name of Chuck (Hemoguy) check him out he has a lot of wisdom. While I am an agnostic and have not desire to be particulary religious in the future, his insight and tough love towards me on a friendship level helped bring about an epiphany. That is (drum roll please). That I have been in denial a whole friggin year about my marriage and that I am mad as hell about losing it. So mad that some of that primalness wants to tear out of my throat from my inner core in the form of a scream. Don't worry I am not going over the edge in spite of impending divorce, loss of best friend/husband,  he is moving 1500 miles away, loss of faith, foreclosure on home, and loss of my nice little dependable auto.  Yes it is my fault, I always catalyzed change in my relationship with Dan. He was always the better half nicer more easy going and made others feel at ease. With a little help from friends and cuervo I should be okay.

Even in the middle of all this crap, and yes I do understand there are those of you out there who can relate and are going through tremendous struggles maybe I will be able to have more empathy for your situations in the past and won't pat you on the back and say I'll pray for you. No slam against those who trully believe but sometimes we don't have adequate words for others when they are in the middle of the fire. We can just care about them and be there. I am also angry because as a new friend of mine made me realize, I desired to be known in my marriage and to know my husband on a very very deep level and wasn't ever satisfied with status quo.  While my husband was lovely he could never quite get used to my passion and desire to break things down to that level.  Plus my rebelliousness and questioning everything not accepting because someone else said so. So what? If you say so what makes it truth, most of our truths are subjective anyway. So maybe marriage and I aren't the course to take as that type of intimacy requires two very special people hashing it out and is frankly extremely scary.

I have learned from recent dating experiences that it isn't as easy as you would think to connect with people on even a more surface level and if you are an intense woman like me you run the risk of scaring potential friends away. Thank God for regular humor injections they oil my soul as well as joy to be alive. Hope that all will be well in time. I know it sounds like I don't laugh or enjoy life I do but doesn't any of this strike a chord with you out there. Sure it takes courage to start recognizing who we really are the shadow as well as the light but isn't it worth it. Isn't it freeing?

I drink a toast to the real you out there to the beauty and the ashes in your lives and personalities to digging in and not being satisfied.

To the drawing out and as you do using that knowledge and understanding to care for those about you.

Getting past empty phrases, logos, slogans, lifestyles that are empty and weighing you down.

A toast to the real you out there, maybe not everyone, but doggone it I like you and I am going to like me.