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A Story by jammer

Man loses everything, wanders lost in the world.

My back was aching from the long ride. I had been on the bus for sixteen hours and needed to catch a few winks before the next stop. I left home and was pursing a dream of heading out on the open road. You don’t see to many forty-year-old men making this journey. It was normally reserved for some snot nosed kid, just out of school, who was full of piss and vinegar and didn't know any better. I used to be one of those who dreamed about just saying, “f**k it” and heading out on the road. Leaving everything behind and embarking on an adventure of the open road. No cares, no worries. Make love when I wanted, with whom I wanted, and where I wanted. Be it in a cheap hotel with a w***e, in the back of a car, or in the bed of a man’s wife. I didn't care anymore.

Let me put to you the best way about what life has been like to me. It’s Nolan Ryan, on a night when he has his best stuff, staring me down and firing away. I’m like a little leaguer, standing at the plate, knees shaking and scared shitless of what’s coming. He leans back and fires a knuckle ball that dances through the air. I see every stitch on the ball, and it looks as big as a basketball, but can I hit the f*****g thing…NO. “Hey kid, try this one on for size” Nolan says, laughing as he let’s another salvo go. SWHOSSH! My bat slices through the air and my ears are filled with his laughter. I just stand there and the tears start to stream down my face. “Are you f*****g kidding me! F*****g step up to the plate and act like a man!!” He screams at me as hit next one hits me square on the head. “It isn't all fun and games kid. It’s hard work, but you want everything to be handed to you. You’re f*****g weak, and pathetic. Get the hell out of my ball park and quit wasting my time.” He kicks the proverbial sand in my face, and I see him walking away, mumbling to himself about having better things to do. If I EVER DO see him face to face, I’m going to punch that a******s lights out!

My journey began about a month ago. My life had taken a turn for the worst long before that. I have this “thing” about making things work, but this time; I just didn't feel like wrestling with the demons anymore. I was married for eight years and the first four or five were good. If you can do some simple math, you can see the last three or four weren't included in the previous statement. I had two kids, decent job and a wife that I thought cared for me. Life was a masquerade and when the masks were removed at midnight, I realized I was the only one in the room not wearing a mask. I tend to be a straight up guy and wear my heart on my sleeve. The ballroom where I lived was full of strangers and a hotbed of lies, deceit. I must have been asleep at the wheel or had the blinders on, because I never saw what was coming.

Spring of that year, my wife comes to me and tells me she’s leaving. “I’m taking the kids and moving in with my folks. If you want to see the kids, call before you come and you can have them for a few hours”. I just sat on the couch, after working a hard day at the plant and that bombshell was dropped in my lap. “Huh?!” Was all I could think as she jumped in the car and headed out in a cloud of dust down the road. I knew things were bad but I was blindsided by the news. I gave her about thirty minutes to reach her folks home before I called.

Her father answered the phone “yeah”. Who answers the phone “yeah?”. His tone was something like “ This better be f*****g good because I’m busy and blah blah blah, yada yada….” You get the picture. The guy never liked me. I don’t know why. I think it’s because he already had his daughter lined up with some other guy that HE liked. Move to the Middle East ya old fart! Here in the West, were allowed to make our own choices! Anyways, he starts his s**t with me, “What the hell do YOU want? Huh, can’t you see she doesn't want your sorry a*s anymore?” I could feel the waves of smugness and absolute joy hitting me through the phone lines. “Could you please just put her on…”? I asked. I couldn't believe I said “please” to the b*****d. “I’d love to accommodate you boy, but she isn't here yet. When she gets here, I’ll be sure to hug her and tell her how much I love her for leaving your sorry f*****g a*s. I always thought you were a loser and I’ll be glad when you’re out of her life” I hung the phone up before I really said anything stupid. Of course I wanted to drive over there and beat that old man to a pulp, but what good would that do? “Do me a f*****g world of good right now, I’ll tell you that!” I said as I grab my coat to head over to his place. By the time I got of the phone with the old f**k, about an hour had passed and she and the kids should have been there by now.

I drove the only route she would have used to get to her folks house. I knew the car she drove was a piece of s**t, and I wanted to do some work on it to fix it up. It was all we could afford at the time. Hell, let her father put his time and money into the hunk of junk now. I felt guilty just think that “Come on now, there has to be a good reason why she left you this time. I knew things were going south for a while, but I didn't think it would come to this.”

I can’t remember too much after that. All I can remember were the flashing lights and the flares in the road. Ambulances and fire truck had part of the road blocked off. “Great, I thought, another obstacle to slow me down. I’ll never catch up with her now” I would never catch up with her again. It would be the last time I saw her and the kids alive. What I thought was probably someone having a heart attack or a house fire, was a car in the ditch. It was laying on it side, looked like it had been on fire, and they were pulling the gurneys down the road to the awaiting ambulances. It was just then that I realized it was my wife’s car. It was the “If it ain't country, it ain't s**t” bumper sticker that gave it away. I slammed on the breaks and just stared in horror as the fireman told me to move along. I opened my door to his protest and darted for the car. “Theresa!!! Theresa!!!” I screamed frantically as the police held me back from getting to the wreckage. “Hang on, who are you?” He asked me. “That’s my wife’s car and the kids are in there too!” I yelled out, trying to break the grip they had on me. “I’m sorry sir, they’re all gone.” “You mean they made it out!!” I looked at him for some glimmer of hope. “No sir, I’m sorry, they’re gone. I’m so sorry”. He said, as his face disappeared in my tears.

Hell had found me after that day. Everything became a blur. I don’t know how, but the funeral arrangements were taken care of. I slept walked through funeral and the ride back home. I couldn't believe what had happened to me and didn't know where I was going from here. I found out why my wife left me too. She was pregnant. I had been “fixed” five years prior, and I was shooting blanks. Come to find out, she had an affair with my best friend, my cousin and some loser who rode around a 20” bike around town all day. Nothing better to do than to f**k up peoples lives. I really wasn't surprised she screwed around. Things were bad and I was considering doing the same myself. Anyways, I quit my job, sold the house and headed out on the road. I didn't want any ties to my old life. As much as I loved my wife and kids, the pain was more than I could stand, and my old life held the memories that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

That was five years ago today. The pain has subsided, but never really went away. I've learned to “cope” in my own way.

“OH MY GOD NO!!!” I screamed out and was jolted myself awake. For a minute I didn't know where I was. It was semi dark and there was a humming in my ears. I came to my sense and realized I was on the bus and it was on its way. I must have dozed off and didn't know how long I was out. People around me looked at me like I was insane, and one woman even moved to the front of the bus.

“Are you OK?” I heard the voice and looked up to see an angel. No really, I thought she was an angel! It took a moment to realize that she was standing in front of the lamp, and that’s why the halo was around her head. “Yeah, nightmare. I’m sorry to have frightened everyone.” The prying eyes returned to look out the bus windows, now that that drama was over. Everyone looked like they welcomed the excitement, and now were disappointed that they had to carry on their own useless existent again.

The “Angel” was still standing there in the isle, asking me if I would like something to drink. I must have had a look on my face that said why not because she took a backpack from around her shoulder and sat down next to me. “Here, try this” She told me as she handed me a water bottle. I started to gulp it down, not realizing how thirsty I was when I felt the burning in the back of my throat. I pulled the bottle away from my lips and realized it was something a whole lot stronger than water! “Keep it, I have more in here” she said as she tapped her backpack. “You looked like you needed something stronger than water. I find that vodka can keep the demons at bay for awhile, but they always return.” I wasn't sure about the vodka, but I understood about the demons. “I’m Kelly” she said as she stuck out her hand. I just looked at it dumbly, not really having talked to anyone in a while. She reached out and took my hand and shook it firmly. Not with one of those girly grips like women use, or worst yet, the limp wrist f*****s. “I’m John, nice to meet you Kelly. Do you always speak to strange men on buses and try to get them drunk, or is this just some kind of fad your on?” Man, was I a bitter prick. She’s trying to do something nice for you and your sarcasm just rises to the top. She just looked at me like she hadn't heard a word I said. “Ah, Hello” I said as she stared at me. A smile was beginning to spread across her face. Even in the dim compartment of the bus, I could tell she was a pretty girl. Long, brunette hair, eyes were either brown or green. Couldn't really tell in this light.

“What’s your story” she ask, taking the bottle from my hand and taking a swig off it. “You know, you should be careful of who you share your bottle with, could be all kinds of germs in there from my mouth.” She just shrugged it off and took another drink. “Nothing like a good belt of vodka to get the blood flowing” she said inching closer to me. “So, tell me your story…was the nightmare you were having have anything to do with why you’re here on this bus?” I was caught off guard by the question. I hadn't spoken to anyone about my wife or kids in years, and now I wasn't sure how to answer her question. “I think you need someone to talk to and I've got a long ride ahead of me, so spill the beans” she told me, waiting for me to answer her. What a cocky little b***h. What the hell did she expect to hear? As the compartment began to lighten up from the morning sunrise, I could tell she was just a kid. OK, not a kid, but only about twenty two, twenty three, tops. She was dressed nicely, nice blouse and skirt that matched. It looked like she was ready to go to work or school. A hint of perfume, very subtle, but sweet and inviting. I couldn't help but get aroused. It was time to bring this perky little b***h back to planet earth. “ OK, you want to know my story? You think your so smart and have all the answers!?”. I could see the harshness of the way I spoke to her made her flinch a bit. Good, because it would prepare her for the story I was about to tell. I started to tell her how I got married at a relatively young age, and my wife was younger and then she just cut me off… “I know your story, boy meet girl, boy loves girl, boy loses girl. I hear that same story all the time.” She stood up, seeming to lose interest in what I was say. I became furious with her. How dare she pretend to know what I was going through? F*****g shallow b***h. I wanted to tell her my story now. “F*****g sit your a*s down Kelly!” I yelled it so loud everyone was looking back at us and the bus driver pulled over and asked if there was a problem. Kelly looked a bit shaken, but said it was just a “lovers tiff” and sat back down beside me. “Keep that s**t down and to yourselves, or you can find another way to where you’re going.” The bus driver told us both, scolding us like children in the back of car on vacation, and the parents yelling because we were slapping each other out of boredom.

My attention returned to Kelly and the “I know it all expression” was gone from her face. I think she realized that she really didn't want to hear my story anymore, but was a prisoner in the seat, until I was finished. I started my story over again, the marriage, the infidelity, the crash. How my life has had a large whole in it after I lost them all. How I wandered from town to town, getting jobs and making enough money to move on to the next town. I could see by the look on her face that she was shaken, and embarrassed by her previous remarks. “God John, I’m so sorry. I had no idea what you've been through. I feel so stupid.” I could tell she felt bad, but I couldn't help but feel a bit of joy knowing I made her feel that way. Next time, she won’t make any assumptions about people. I’m sure of that. It felt good to finally tell someone about that and get it off my chest. It was a burden I've carried alone for such a long time. “Give me that bottle, I need another drink” I told her as I took the bottle from her hands.

“So, I asked her, what’s your story for being on this bus” She smiled again and said “ I’m here to help you John, I've come to take you home.” Take me home, what the hell was this crazy kid talking about? “Don’t look so stunned John, your journey is over and you can rest now. The demons that have plagued your life won’t bother you again.” She told me as she stood up. The sun was now shining as bright as I've ever seen it shine. I stood up, not able to comprehend just what the hell she was talking about. The hum of the motor of the bus had stopped, but we were still moving. “Get away from me” I yelled at her as I bolted to the front of the bus. “Driver, let me off. I don’t care where we are, just stop the bus and let me off!!!”. He continued to look forward as he drove “I’m sorry sir, I can’t stop this bus until it reaches it’s destination. We’ll be there soon, why don’t you have a seat and enjoy the ride.”

“DADDY!!” I heard, and I knew where the bus was headed. It was taking me home.