Chapter 10: Beautiful, Inside and Out

Shea, Jasmine and Riley reflect on their first six months as moms and face their bodies post-baby.

It breaks my heart to think one day Zoe will hate the body I made for her.

Shea

6 1/2 Months Old…

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Three overworked mothers going to the spa. Everett planned it for my birthday and even performed some trickery to get Hector to agree to watch the twins for a few hours.

Riley, Jasmine and I met that Saturday in front of Breathe. We stood outside and stared up at the building for five minutes before we walked in--me, because I felt like a man at Home Depot; Riley, because she was trying to come up with a clever way to make fun of the name, and Jasmine, because she thought spas were a myth. Our elation deflated when we got to the point of taking off our clothes.

“Somehow I forgot that people get naked at the spa,” I said. Riley looked at the locker and wrinkled her nose.

“We’re supposed to get naked?” Jasmine asked, and Riley and I burst into laughter.

“Bathrooms,” Riley said, and each of us took a stall to change into our robes like we were back in high school gym class.

“Enjoy your massage,” I told them as we split in the hallway and headed to our separate rooms.

The therapist was a tiny little thing. At first glance I wondered if her hand could make it around my wrist, but once I closed my eyes, she could have been using her feet or elbows or knees and I wouldn’t have noticed the difference. I felt uncomfortable in the beginning--her touching the still-dark marks on my hips--but she quickly put me at ease with the sweetness of voice. It’s my personal belief I fell into a coma. She assured me that a lot people snore on her table.

After our massages, we met up for a lunch of Cobb salads and iced tea, and then it was back to our private rooms for facials and body scrubs. By four o'clock I was so relaxed, I could have melted into a puddle. The final event on our schedule was half an hour in the sauna, where we all met up again.

“Did you have a male masseuse?” Riley asked me in a whisper. I smirked and shook my head.

“I did,” Jasmine said.

Riley gasped. “Not fair!”

“He was cute too,” she added.

We all filed into the sauna where there were several other women sitting on the benches. The sound of the door closing behind us made of all us jump, and we stood there looking at the other women, their robes spread wide, lounging around in nothing but the skin their mothers gave them.

“Um,” I mumbled and glanced back and forth between Riley and Jasmine. Jasmine plastered on a tentative smile and shuffled forward politely. One of the women, a redhead about the same age as us, lifted her head, smiled and then closed her eyes again. Riley shrugged, so we tip-toed to the bench in the corner.

The three of us sat there, not speaking, not moving, our legs close together and our arms wrapped tightly around the fronts of our robes. The pressure to get naked pushed in on us from every angle, but we were determined to maintain our dignity.

And then it started to get hot. Really hot. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead and upper lip. Jasmine waved her hand in front of her face to no avail. We stared at each other, willing ourselves to be strong, but it was too much. Riley gave a frustrated sigh, stood up and pulled the belt of her robe loose.

It’s a weird thing seeing your friend naked for the first time, but I couldn’t help but stare at her in admiration. Her stretch marks weren’t as bad as mine, but they moved in tiny metallic slivers from her belly button to her pelvis, like they were years old, not months. Her breasts hung slightly from the weight of breastfeeding, but she was beautiful. Really beautiful. She gave an unapologetic shrug and sat back down, her robe loose beneath her.

I swallowed hard. Was I brave enough to bare it all in a room full of strangers? I looked around. At first, all I saw was perfectly toned bodies straight off the pages of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. But when I looked closer, I noticed not every body was perfect. Some women were older than me, some heavier, yet every one of them had embraced their figures, imperfections and all.

I stood up shakily. My heart pounded and my fingers fumbled as I loosened my belt inch by inch. Riley looked me in the eyes and nodded in encouragement. My robe fell open and though her eyes never wavered, I felt her scan me in her peripheral vision. She smiled her approval. I turned to the room waiting for everyone to either scorn me or burst into spontaneous applause, but mostly, they were just enjoying themselves, oblivious to my life-changing accomplishment. I sat back down, smiling, my pride tingling on my skin.

Jasmine continued to wave her hand in front of her face. Riley looked at me with a glint in her eye, and I smiled. We leaned in on either side of her and whispered, in unison, “Do it, do it, do it.” Jasmine blushed and waved us away but we didn’t give up. We chanted until finally, she rolled her eyes and slipped her robe of her shoulders.

***

When I opened my front door the next day, I stepped back in surprise.

“Mom,” I said.

“Hi,” she said simply. Her hair was a few inches shorter, and she had lighter streaks in her usually dark bob. Her nails were bright red with freshly applied polish. She’d been at the salon all day.

“Do you want to come in?” I asked.

She stepped around me without a word. The cool autumn air trailed in behind her, and I closed it off with the door. My mom stood in the corner of the living room, her hands folded at her waist, silent. She wouldn’t look directly at me.

“Would you like something to drink?” I asked. She shook her head. I opened my mouth to offer her some other pleasantry, but she spoke before I could.

“I didn’t come to apologize,” she said, like she was forcing herself to say it before she lost her nerve, and any hope I had of making a breakthrough disappeared.

“Okay. Then why are you here?”

She took a deep breath. I’d never seen her like this before and honestly, it made me nervous. She squeezed her eyes shut like she might cry, and I took a step toward her.

“No,” she said and held out her hand. I stopped. I furrowed my brow when she untucked her lacy, white shirt from her rose colored skirt. She looked up at me hesitantly, and then stared into my eyes as she slowly lifted her blouse. My mind screamed out at me to stop her, but my mouth was too numb to say a word.

When her stomach came into view, I sucked in a breath, and my hand flew to my mouth. She continued to pull up her top until it was at her bra line, while a tear trailed down her cheek.

“Oh, mom,” I said.

She brought a hand down to run her fingers across the thick, dark lines on her stomach. Tears filled her eyes. “I’ve been so hard on you,” she said. “It’s just...I didn’t want this for you.”

It didn’t make up for all the things she had said, but, somehow, I understood. My mom had spent her entire postpartum life trying to feel beautiful again--something I now knew too well. Tears blurred my vision, and in that instant, I forgot everything we’d argued about. I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her perfectly highlighted hair.
“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I’m so sorry.”

***

We decided to throw Jasmine an “I quit my job” party. We went all out. Everett and I rented a small party space, and Riley decorated it streamers and balloons. She even got a mat for the babies to play on. It was all very over-the-top.

“You two are hysterical,” Jasmine said when she walked through the door and saw what we’d done. She hugged us both and kissed us on each cheek.

“You deserve it,” Riley said.

“Oh please,” she said, “not having to deal with my boss anymore is reward enough.”

I eyed Hector as he walked over to the guys, his countenance gloomier than usual.

“Is he okay?” I asked Jasmine. She looked at Hector and frowned.

“He was the sole breadwinner before. He can do it again. We have more reasons than ever for me to be at home.” She smiled at Andrea resting on her hip and kissed her forehead. “Who’s that over there?" Jasmine asked. We looked at the guys again. They were passing around a cooler of beer. I turned back to Jasmine with a smirk.

“Yeah. Who is that, Riley?” I said.

She shrugged, noncommittally. “Tim. We’re on a date.”

“A date?” Jasmine asked. “I didn’t know you were dating.”

“Not really date-ing,” she said.

“Wait...please tell me it’s not your first one.” When Riley smiled mischievously, Jasmine balked. “You brought him to hang out with babies on your first date?”

“He oughtta know what he’s getting into,” she said. I stifled a laugh.

There was steak and potatoes and salad. There was ice cream and cake. There was coffee and champagne and wine. There was enough beer to talk the guys into babysitting. Riley, Jasmine and I retreated to the corner and watched from afar as the guys got on their hands and knees in a circle around the kids.

“Tim really is cute,” Jasmine said.

“Yeah...” Riley said. “I still haven’t decided.”

We laughed, and I passed the wine bottle to Jasmine.

“I’m supplementing,” I said out of nowhere. I’d kept it hidden for so long it was like it finally clawed its way to the surface and broke free. Either that or the wine had gotten to me. “With formula, I mean.”

“I know what supplementing means," Riley said. "Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed and took the bottle of wine back. “Breastfeeding was so important to me but when it came down to it, we just never could get it right. I felt like a failure.”

“You’re not a failure,” Jasmine said.

“I just wanted to do everything I could for her. I wanted to be...”

“Perfect?” Riley finished for me.

“Is that so much to strive for?” I asked.

Jasmine raised her eyebrows. “There’s no such thing as a perfect parent.” Jasmine leaned close to me, and I felt the chemical heat radiating off her skin. “If we all make it out alive, that’s the best we can hope for.”

I snorted a laugh and took a long pull on the wine bottle.

“But why does it feel like motherhood is a constant uphill battle?” I whined.

Jasmine and Riley both laughed. “Because it is,” they chimed in unison. I burst into laughter, and we all giggled until our eyes filled with tears.

“I think we’ve had too much wine,” I said and set the bottle on the table behind us.

When it was quiet, another nagging thought slipped out.

“I was thinking,” I said, “about that day at the spa.”

“What about it?” Riley asked.

“About how embarrassed we were to take off our robes.”

“Ay Dios Mio,” Jasmine said, crossing herself. “Don’t remind me.”

“No, see,” I said and pointed my finger at her. “That’s exactly my point. Why should we feel so bad about showing off our bodies?”

“You got a good look of what’s left after carrying those two,” Jasmine said. “Why shouldn’t I be embarrassed?”

I turned in my chair to face her. “Why? Because we’re no longer shaped like girls? Because we have hips and loose skin and stretch marks?”

Riley blinked hard. “Uh...yeah.”

“Do you really hate your stretch marks so much that you’d give up bikinis and lingerie?” I asked Riley.

She opened her mouth to say something snarky, I’m sure, but catching the seriousness on my face, she stopped to think about it. “I did. At first,” she said. “But now that I’ve gotten used to them, it’s not so bad. Not that I have anyone to wear lingerie for.”

“Maybe so,” Jasmine sang and pointed toward Tim. Riley blushed and smacked her hand.

“What about you, Jasmine?” I asked.

A dry laugh burst from her lips. “Like I have time to worry about what I look like,” she said. I narrowed my eyes. “Okay!” She held her hands up defensively. “When I start to feel down about it, and I do, I just remind myself that it’s worth it. If I could trade my angel babies and have the body I used to have...I’d take the stretch marks every time.”

I sat back and smiled, their answers confirming what I hoped was true--that there was womanhood after motherhood.

“What about you?” Jasmine asked.

I looked over at Zoe playing with Everett and a stuffed giraffe. “I know it sounds silly, but I like to think I gave some of my beauty to her.”

I waited for them to laugh at me for being overly sentimental, but instead, Riley reached across Jasmine’s lap and grasped my hand. “She’s very beautiful,” she said.

I smiled at the light of motherhood aglow on my friends' faces. It didn’t shine everyday but when it did, there was nothing more real.

“I don’t think any mother should feel bad about her body,” I said, thinking of one mother in particular. “What we’ve done is so incredible and so much more important than looking perfect without a robe on.”

They both nodded though the uncertainty still showed in the lines on their faces. I knew it would take more than a semi-drunken confession to convince them fully.

“Here’s what I propose,” I went on, feeling a little braver than I should. “Six months from now, when our kids celebrate their first birthdays and the weather warms up, we put on bikinis and go swimming, stretch marks and all.”

Riley barked a laugh. “You’re crazy,” she said.

“No I’m not. I want to prove that being beautiful is more than being a size two and having flawless skin...for other moms out there and for us...and for our daughters.”

We turned our gazes toward our children, growing up already before our eyes. I put my hand out in front of them, palm down. It was one of those cheesy moments, like in Now and Then, right before the drawing of blood and the calling of the spirits. Riley smiled, all cynicism gone, and placed her hand on top of mine. Jasmine looked from Riley to me to Andrea, then placed her hand on ours.

THE END

Author's Note

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