Chapter 2: Are We There Yet?

Three moms struggle with the changes in their lives since giving birth.

Getting Zoe to sleep is something like a miracle. And then, as soon as she finally does fall asleep, I wake her up to make sure she’s still breathing.

Shea

3 Weeks Old…

“Is this my body now?” I asked Everett on Monday before work. He was in the closet picking out a tie while I stood in front of the mirror with my hands on my belly. I’d lost the initial weight--the eighteen pounds of giving birth and the nine pounds of water weight, and still I faced a flabby resemblance of what used to be me.

Everett came out of the closet and kissed me on the head. “Of course not, babe. It’s going to take a little while to get back to normal. In no time, you’ll be back to your gorgeous self.”

“Are you saying I’m not gorgeous now?” I asked him. He left for work shortly after that.

I called Riley to commiserate, but when she didn’t answer the phone, I called Jasmine. She didn’t pick up until the seventh ring, and I was about to bemoan to her that no one wanted to be my friend anymore now that I had a baby, but then the line clicked on and I heard a chorus of mingled cries--Jasmine, Andrea and Xavier, all in unison.

“Jasmine! What the hell is going on over there?” I shrieked and quickly covered Zoe’s ear as I remembered her sleeping in my arms. Jasmine cried harder. It took a few minutes before she calmed down enough to tell me what had happened.

Apparently, ever since they’d gotten home from the hospital, Hector had been about as helpful as my dad on Thanksgiving day. Which is to say, not at all. Not a diaper change. Not a rock to sleep. They'd stepped through that front door two days after Jasmine's delivery and Hector returned to bachelor status. He had been so helpful during Jasmine’s pregnancy. She didn’t know what had changed. I had an inkling.

You see, Jasmine and Hector didn’t know they were having twins. I know what you’re thinking--how is that possible with today’s technology? It’s easier than you might think. Jasmine didn’t have an OB/GYN. She had a midwife, and her midwife was an old Mexican medicine woman who was so opposed to technology she made Jasmine unplug all the appliances in her house when she came over. She didn’t even have a cell phone. I think Jasmine contacted her by releasing a bird at sunset. So, of course, no technology means no ultrasound. The medicine woman had come as far as using a stethoscope at least, but either the babies were on top of one another so one blocked out the sound of the other, or their heartbeats synced up.

I’ve done research on this.

I can’t say I wasn’t a little suspicious, though. Riley and I first started to wonder around thirty-three weeks when Jasmine ballooned. Up until then, we’d all been about the same size. Jasmine’s tummy had always been a little bigger because she adamantly ate whatever she wanted. Her mantra was, “It’s the only time I don’t have to worry about my weight. I’m living it up, mija.” Maybe that’s why it took so long to notice. I remember well the day I did. It was our third time meeting up for coffee. We all sat around the table and pushed our chairs out to fit our bellies. We’d made a big joke about it the first time we sat there and found markers on the tile to keep track of how far we’d progressed since our last meeting. Riley’s and mine moved at a respectable and steady rate. That day, Jasmine was practically sitting on the barista’s lap.

Riley, joking with her, said, “Ya havin’ twins?”

Jasmine had laughed and said, “I better not be. We only have room for one. The other one would have to sleep in the linen closet.” We’d laughed and that had been the end of it.

Until May 25th.

So maybe I can understand why Hector’s not himself lately. It still doesn’t excuse him, but I understand.

“He left,” Jasmine cried to me now on the phone. “I asked him to change Xavier’s diaper, he ignored me and then he left to hang out with Pablo at the bar around the corner.” My first instinct was to jump up and drive over there, but the sleeping baby in my arms reminded me that the days of dropping everything for anyone, even my best friend, were over. 

“Where are the babies now?” I asked her.

“Andrea’s on the bed and Xavier’s in the changing table with his diaper half off.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Jasmine laughed too, which was good because I didn’t think she’d actually breathed in a week and a half. “Okay, Jazz. Turn on speaker phone, and finish changing Xavier. I’ll be right here.”

“Okay,” she mumbled into the phone. And that’s what we did. For the next forty-five minutes, I listened to her change Xavier, change Andrea, feed them both and rock them to sleep. When she finished, Jasmine picked up the phone again.

"Shea, no one said it was going to be this hard," she said.

"Sure they did," I told her. "We just ignored them."

"But when am I going to start to feel like I know what I'm doing?"

I glanced around the room.  The bed was unmade, dirty clothes were spread across the floor, and last night's dishes, I knew, were still in the kitchen sink.

"I'll have to get back to you on that."

Before I hung up the phone I asked her if she’d heard from Riley lately. She hadn’t. I meant to call her as soon as I hung up with Jasmine, but then Zoe woke up and before I knew it, Everett came home and I forgot it completely.

***

Two days later I panicked after I realized I still hadn’t heard from Riley. I called her every five minutes for an hour, and when she still didn’t pick up I asked Everett to watch Zoe so I could drive over there. Riley's house was as deserted as a cemetery. I couldn’t tell if her car was in the garage, but all the lights in the house were off, though it was only eight o’clock. I knocked first, but she didn’t come to the door so I used the key she’d given me two weeks before she’d given birth, “just in case”. I called out her name. No answer. I flipped on switches and continued to call for her. Still no sign of life. My hands shook by the time I got to her bedroom door.  I opened it and turned on the light, and there she was. I whispered her name because at the sight of her, it was all there was to do.

Riley looked like death, barely like herself at all. She hadn’t showered in a week, I’d say, judging by the state of her hair. Her skin was too pale, and even for just having given birth a couple of weeks ago, she looked too skinny, like she’d been locked up for months, not a week and a half. Alexis was curled up in her arms, sleeping. Happily, she looked as healthy as could be. Growing already since I’d last seen her.  Bigger than Zoe even. Riley finally sensed me standing there, opened her big, brown eyes and looked at me, tear tracks lining her cheeks.

“Shea,” she said, her voice raspy. “What are you doing here?”

I shrugged and said, “What are you doing here?”

It didn’t take me long to figure out what was going on. They warned women about it in every prenatal book I’d read. They’d even spoken to us about it in Lamaze class. Somehow I was sure it would never happen to me or my friends, but curled up on the bed in front of me was evidence to the contrary. I crawled in next to her and wrapped my arm around her.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. That was all it took to reduce Riley to tears. I offered to take the baby from her but she shook her head and held Alexis closer, so I just ran my fingers through her hair and let her cry.

Finally, through her tears, she said, “I'm so scared,” and I knew exactly what she meant.  I'd babysat children when I was younger and listened to the stories when my friends talked about their children, but it's impossible to really know what being responsible for your own child will be like until you finally have one.  There are no breaks, and no redos.  It was finally sinking in for all of us.  Especially Riley. She didn’t have Alexis' father to wade the new waters with.  He'd left them as soon as he found out there was a "them." In her eyes, she was all alone.  But she wasn't.

Riley let me hold Alexis long enough to take a shower. I straightened up her house and made her dinner. I called her mother as well. She promised to stop by every day.

A couple of hours later, Riley cradled Alexis in one hand and spoon-fed herself dinner with the other. Already she looked more like herself.

“I’m so embarrassed,” she said, her voice still weak.

“About what?” I asked.

She shrugged. “This,” she said, and looked down at herself.

I sat down next to her and brushed her hair behind her ear. “We’re just getting started,” I told her. “It would be impossible to be perfect at motherhood already. But it will come.” Riley smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder. We both looked down at Alexis, who yawned.

I didn’t say the words to Riley, not even the abbreviation that sounded more like a sexually transmitted disease than the result of the severe changes in hormones and stress levels new mothers have to endure. The truth is, all mothers suffer from anxiety and fear and yes, depression, when they bring home their child for the first time. We can’t know what the future will hold--whether our babies will grow up happy and healthy, whether we’ll be good mothers, whether we’ll be able to show them all the good of the world and protect them from all the bad. And we’ll never get it perfect. But gratitude and precious moments and love are just around the corner, and they will come.

Author's Note

Become a fan of The Stretch Mark Club on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Stretch-Mark-Club/224444674290950

I really appreciate your thoughts. They keep me writing.

Reviews

[Macrory]

Great characters! I have a 13 year old son and a seven year old daughter and you encapsulate the emotions of bringing home a new baby very well. Of course I don't know really what it's like from a mothers perspective but it sounds pretty similar to what I felt.

". I think Jasmine contacted her by releasing a bird at sunset. " And the little bits of humor really round out the mood of the story. Well done!

[InterijentoWrites]

I agree with what everyone here has already said. This is an amazing piece. A wonderful part of this story. I skipped the first chapter for some reason, but I really like how you're bringing the characters together, and showing their past. I especially like how Riley has reacted to the situation, and how none of the other's predicted it would happen. Its much like reality, but much different in its own way. I am greatly anticipating reading the other chapters you have written.

Though, I am confused. Throughout the chapter, I noticed that every time there was a break or change in thought, you used, I believe, quotation marks.

We can’t know what the future will hold"whether our babies will grow -- Like this insert from the last paragraph. Hyphens should be used for breaks or changes in thought, especially in this case. There were quite a few instances like this.

But other than that, I greatly enjoyed this.

[Ms_Sassypants]

Again, wow. I like your style of writing. Direct, friendly, character-driven, and the length and spacing are perfect for my tired eyes. Your style is refreshing. Thank heavens for writers like you!

[Noa]

[[during my first try my review didn't get submitted properly; I apologize if it ends up showing twice!]]

I agree with Macrory about the comic relief, it's needed when you discuss all these serious affairs, and it does not appear to be forced at all. It made me smile, but not so much that the following 'bad' news came down too hard. What I'm trying to say is, you've created great balance.

I can't say that I expected all of the characters to fall into such problems this soon. I guess this is reality, but really, I'm looking forward to reading about happy moments of motherhood. Still, by exploring the often ignored sides, such as both father (in Hector's case) and mother (Riley) being terrified of raising a child, you make these characters so real, and you keep the narrative captivating. I feel close to these mothers, and I want them to succeed. It's amazing that you've managed to create this bond in only two chapters.

I do wonder where Shea finds the strength she's shown towards her friends so far, as she seems to have doubts herself (I sense hinting at relationship doubts for her). Being just as inexperienced and unprepared for motherhood as her friends, I find her acceptance and support remarkable. Maybe it's the books on parenting she read :P

On the writing, there is not much I can add to the comments I made on your last chapter. You are very good about not starting most of your sentences with 'I', something I always struggle with in first person writing. Though they add a certain feeling and style, starting sentences with 'and' and 'but' require the reader to stay really focused on the wording of your other sentences. I personally had to go back and reread some parts to make sure I got it right. It may be an easier read if there's less links like that, but then again, you might not be going for that style. This is all personal preference.

Oh, and I love the quotes at the start of your chapters. It's like an excerpt from an interview with your characters. Really nice. Great work!
-Noa