Ring

A Story by James

I'm attempting to write a story every day for inktober using the official prompts. The prompt for 10/1 was "Ring".

*Ding*

Her eyes snapped open.

She was lying on a soft bed, surrounded by pillows and blankets. She felt calm, warm, and safe but couldn’t remember exactly where she was or what was happening. She peeled the blankets back and stepped out of the bed, pulling on a pair of slippers that were sitting there for her, presumably.

The bedroom, she noticed, is fairly plain with a bed, dresser, and mirror being the main features. Looking in the mirror she saw messy brown hair and bags under her eyes.

She exited the room, carefully moving through a hallway into a living room. There was a T.V., a few chairs, and a couch with a man sitting on it.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” He spoke softly.

“Who are you? Where am I?” She didn’t recognize him or any part of the house she was in.

“Your name is Sarah. You live here with me but you hit your head yesterday and I think you lost some of your memories.”

She looked over herself and noticed the wedding ring she had on. Sarah… it didn’t seem familiar to her but if that’s who he said she was then it must be true.

He stood and took her hand in his. A memory flashed through her mind of her walking to her car and seeing a strange man, this man, right before he struck her over the head.

She pulled back, her face contorting in fear. She scanned the room for an exit but her mind was racing too fast to figure anything out.

“Sarah.” His tone was harsh, not sweet like it had been just moments before.

“Stay away from me!” She screamed and turned to run.

*Ding*

Her eyes snapped open.

A man held her hands in his and he looked at her with concern.

“Sarah? Are you okay?”

The ring on her finger matched the band on his. Her heart was racing and she was confused.

“Sarah,” he said again and this time it made fear erupt within her.

She tore her hands away and looked around in a panic.

*Ding*

Her eyes snapped open.

She was on a couch in the arms of a sleeping man. She slid out from his embrace and walked towards the front door, unsure of what she was doing.

She opened the door and-

*Ding*

Her eyes snapped open.

© 2019 James

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Reviews

JayG

• Just a college student trying to improve his writing one story at a time.

Given that, I thought you would want to know some critical points. The first is that you won't add skills by writing, only get better and better at using existing writing techniques, unless you add to them. And if those existing techniques are inappropriate to fiction...

Your bio says you're in college. If so, and assuming you're not majoring in commercial fiction, a question: Given that you're there learning at least the precursors to a profession, why would you assume you already know the skills and techniques for the profession of Fiction-Writing? Aren't all professions learned IN ADDITION to the skills our public education years give us?

Think back to the writing you were assigned then, and the ratio of reports and essays to fiction. That will tell you how well prepared you are, at the moment, for writing fiction.

My point? Given that we're taught only nonfiction writing skills, any attempt to write fiction will use those tools, and, read like a report: author-centric and fact-based, as all nonfiction is. Look at the opening lines as an acquiring editor would:

• She was lying on a soft bed, surrounded by pillows and blankets.

This is data, not story. Her eyes have just opened, and she hasn't looked around, so this isn't her discovering her situation, it's a dispassionate external observer reporting detail THEY visualize. And because it is, it's screwed up. Based on the words she doesn't have a pillow under her head, or a blanket over her. Instead, she has a ring of them surrounding her. Not what you meant, of course, but it is what you said. Had this been in HER viewpoint, she would notice and react. And you, forced to work through HER perceptions, in the order she notices and analyzes, rather than your cinematic overview, would have mentioned what mattered to her enough to react to, as SHE views it. And fair-is-fair. It is her story. So why not let her live it?

• She felt calm, warm, and safe but couldn’t remember exactly where she was or what was happening

Umm...what's happening is she's waking up. And per the text, that's all that's happening.

Again, it's not her feeling it. And, we're not with her. Instead, the reporter chronicling the events adds an "and then..." But since our medium neither reproduces• sound not vision, the narrator's voice is dead. not filled with emotion as it is when you read it. Unlike you, the reader doesn't know how you want it read; doesn't know her as a person; doesn't know her backstory; doesn't know.... In her viewpoint, she'll look around and say, "What the hell? Where am I?" then try to retrace her steps, mentally. That's story, because it's in HER viewpoint. As written, it's a report, presented in your viewpoint.

• She peeled the blankets back and stepped out of the bed, pulling on a pair of slippers that were sitting there for her, presumably.

Based on the wording, she pulls on the slippers AS she steps, which is impossible. Again, you're giving a summation, not the flow of events as she perceives them. And as the protagonist of the story, shouldn't she be allowed to live it as our avatar, so we can share her experience, rather then just hear about it in overview?

Bottom line: You're working under a severe handicap because you've made a basic mistake, one you share with most people who decide to record their stories. Because we're given a skill called writing, and the profession is called Writing, we assume there's a relationship between the two and so, don't seek out the specialized knowledge and skill-set of fiction writing. And because all our training is in nonfiction, we don't make use of the character-centric and emotion based techniques of the fiction writer—or, know they exist. But they do, so the fix is pretty simple, and obvious.

Unfortunately, simple and easy are not interchangeable terms, so there is some significant work involved, in the form of study and practice. But that's true of any profession, so it's no big deal.

Think about how much time your teachers spent on the structure of a scene on the page, and how one differs from a scene on stage or screen. Did even one mention why scenes end in disaster for the protagonist, the role of the short-term scene-goal, or the nuance of viewpoint?

See the problem? It's not a matter of talent or potential, it's as Mark Twain observed: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

So...head to the library (or Amazon) and pick up a copy of James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing. It will clue you in on the nuts-and-bolts issues of creating scenes that sing to the reader, and get rid of some of that, "just ain't so."

For an overview of some of the many issues that are part of that, you might dig in the articles in my writing blog. They're aimed at the hopeful writer. But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 5 Years Ago

• Just a college student trying to improve his writing one story at a time.

Given that, I thought you would want to know some critical points. The first is that you won't add skills by writing, only get better and better at using existing writing techniques, unless you add to them. And if those existing techniques are inappropriate to fiction...

Your bio says you're in college. If so, and assuming you're not majoring in commercial fiction, a question: Given that you're there learning at least the precursors to a profession, why would you assume you already know the skills and techniques for the profession of Fiction-Writing? Aren't all professions learned IN ADDITION to the skills our public education years give us?

Think back to the writing you were assigned then, and the ratio of reports and essays to fiction. That will tell you how well prepared you are, at the moment, for writing fiction.

My point? Given that we're taught only nonfiction writing skills, any attempt to write fiction will use those tools, and, read like a report: author-centric and fact-based, as all nonfiction is. Look at the opening lines as an acquiring editor would:

• She was lying on a soft bed, surrounded by pillows and blankets.

This is data, not story. Her eyes have just opened, and she hasn't looked around, so this isn't her discovering her situation, it's a dispassionate external observer reporting detail THEY visualize. And because it is, it's screwed up. Based on the words she doesn't have a pillow under her head, or a blanket over her. Instead, she has a ring of them surrounding her. Not what you meant, of course, but it is what you said. Had this been in HER viewpoint, she would notice and react. And you, forced to work through HER perceptions, in the order she notices and analyzes, rather than your cinematic overview, would have mentioned what mattered to her enough to react to, as SHE views it. And fair-is-fair. It is her story. So why not let her live it?

•  She felt calm, warm, and safe but couldn’t remember exactly where she was or what was happening

Umm...what's happening is she's waking up. And per the text, that's all that's happening.

Again, it's not her feeling it. And, we're not with her. Instead, the reporter chronicling the events adds an "and then..." But since our medium neither reproduces•  sound not vision, the narrator's voice is dead. not filled with emotion as it is when you read it. Unlike you, the reader doesn't know how you want it read; doesn't know her as a person; doesn't know her backstory; doesn't know.... In her viewpoint, she'll look around and say, "What the hell? Where am I?" then try to retrace her steps, mentally. That's story, because it's in HER viewpoint. As written, it's a report, presented in your viewpoint.

•  She peeled the blankets back and stepped out of the bed, pulling on a pair of slippers that were sitting there for her, presumably.

Based on the wording, she pulls on the slippers AS she steps, which is impossible. Again, you're giving a summation, not the flow of events as she perceives them. And as the protagonist of the story, shouldn't she be allowed to live it as our avatar, so we can share her experience, rather then just hear about it in overview?

Bottom line: You're working under a severe handicap because you've made a basic mistake, one you share with most people who decide to record their stories. Because we're given a skill called writing, and the profession is called Writing, we assume there's a relationship between the two and so, don't seek out the specialized knowledge and skill-set of fiction writing. And because all our training is in nonfiction, we don't make use of the character-centric and emotion based techniques of the fiction writer—or, know they exist. But they do, so the fix is pretty simple, and obvious.

Unfortunately, simple and easy are not interchangeable terms, so there is some significant work involved, in the form of study and practice. But that's true of any profession, so it's no big deal.

Think about how much time your teachers spent on the structure of a scene on the page, and how one differs from a scene on stage or screen. Did even one mention why scenes end in disaster for the protagonist, the role of the short-term scene-goal, or the nuance of viewpoint?

See the problem? It's not a matter of talent or potential, it's as Mark Twain observed: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

So...head to the library (or Amazon) and pick up a copy of James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing. It will clue you in on the nuts-and-bolts issues of creating scenes that sing to the reader, and get rid of some of that, "just ain't so."

For an overview of some of the many issues that are part of that, you might dig in the articles in my writing blog. They're aimed at the hopeful writer. But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100