Saccharine

Where you come from is where you are going.

Jacob thumbed a lighter and squatted against the outside wall of the bar.  He could sense the aging rock ballads and laughing outbursts through the vibrations.  He gazed at a thin weed between the uneven asphalt and the side of the building.  He wondered how many took note of such a fledgling, a desperate clinger, a survivor.

Ginny and Robert walked toward Jacob covered in the yellowing light of the mid afternoon and made elongated shadows that pointed toward Jacob the way a scarecrow might point to an open field.  Jacob stuck the cigarette pack out and two tender sticks crept from the foil.  

“How long have you been out here?” Ginny asked.

“A while.”

“This place is dead and I’m not dancing to that.”

“Anymore?”

“A*****e.  Let’s go somewhere guys, maybe the lake this weekend.”

“I’m down.” Robert piped in.

“Why not now?”

“It’s too late, Jake.  It’s way too late.”

Ginny checked her face quickly in the window of the bar, so quickly no one noticed.

 

On the corner of Middleburrough High School there was a green transformer, a machine with no markings and concrete columns on either side.  Middleburrough students found it hard to avoid this device.  They sat atop its metal shell and leaned instinctively on its columns.  Ginny and Jacob had met here years ago, a relationship that started on cold, green, machinery.  Back then the effects were sharper; a drag was a hit and numbers like thirty-two were simply out of reach.

“I’m f*****g buzzed man.” Tom said, sitting crossed legged on the transformer.

“Yea, me too.”  Jacob said only half listening; he had music playing in one ear.

"Here comes Ginny.  She’s got a way about her, you know.” 

Jacob nodded as she got closer.

Ginny wore her long hair straight and smiled out of the side of her mouth, a habit she would grow out of.  She tempted boys with her charisma but had little to offer.  Tom, Jacob’s oldest friend, never could keep his eyes off her but Ginny preferred to chase after boys who tempted her and had little to offer.

“Hey Jake, you got one for me?” Ginny stepped up to the boys.

“I’m out.  Tom, give Ginny a cig.” 

“So” Ginny leaned, “you guys ever do stuff together?  Like rub each others dicks together?"

Jacob pressed pause and glanced at Tom.  Tom immediately began to exhale a nervous laugh and say “no” at the same time.

“Look, my mom just caught my two little cousins playing with each other’s dicks in the bathtub.  I know these things happen.”  Sometimes Ginny knew everything.

Tom and Jacob both smile and look down.

"Heh, kids grow up pretty fast, I guess."  Tom reasoned. "How old are they anyway?"

“Sixteen.  Just like you, Tom.” 

They all laugh.

 

In those in-between times, when nothing really happened, was when Ginny felt the closest to knowing Jacob.  She had the time to study him.  Jacob had no real emotional investment in what he and Tom had done together, but it was more the fact that it was something secret that he had attached himself to.  People don’t deserve to know just because they ask, Jacob would think to himself.

Ginny had many friends, most of whom were girls.  She would occasionally hook Jacob up because she figured he would never hook himself up.  The two sat and sipped cokes, sneaking pours of whiskey at a late night diner.  Two a.m., Ginny knew, was the only time Jacob might let his guard down to say something he’s been holding onto for weeks, maybe years.

“Just go with one of my friends”

“I mean, why?”

“Because that’s what people do, Jake.  Listen, this girl likes you I think and you two could probably have a good time.”

Jacob thought about the song that was playing, Run Around Sue.  He was pretty sure it was by Dion.

“Jake, you wouldn’t even be alone with her.  We’d all be there.”

“So it’s not like she expects anything?”

“No Jake, that’s just in your head.”

Jacob pressed a cig in his ear.

 

The group took a trip to Philadelphia.  Jacob only knew Ginny.  They all went to school together but he had trouble relating to them.  For whatever reason they never seemed to have trouble relating to him.  All the streets were unknown and they were guided by a girl who had only been there once before.  Jacob liked to walk behind the people in the front who claimed they knew where they are going and in front of the people who were having too much of a good time to keep up.
A girl bounced in his view while he was thinking about how the city streets aren’t designed in a grid.  They seem to go everywhere.

“Having fun?” She interrupted.

“Yeah, it’s cool.”

“Yea.”

“Never heard a Zombies cover band.” Jacob attempted.

“I know! It was so- modern!” 

The two kept walking and Jacob decided not to respond.

“This is what people do, Jacob.  Go out on dates!” The girl continued to orbit him as he walked.

“I don’t even know your name.”

That night Jacob stopped the crew on two occasions to purchase a pack of cigarettes.  He figured they can wait.

            

On Jacob’s twenty-second birthday Ginny arranged for his friends to throw a party for him.  His friends threw a party every weekend regardless if anyone had a birthday.  The party moved to a different friend’s house depending on whose parents would be away or which new friend they intended to initiate.  The party on Jacob’s birthday had a cake in the fridge and a 6 pack of his preferred beer.  Tom had left the crew a long time ago, nearly graduated and would then pursue biochemistry.  Ginny was early and made sure the DJ had a couple of Jacob’s songs on the playlist.  She was f*****g the DJ at the time.

People trickled in around nine but the crowd got going around eleven-thirty.  Ginny messaged Tom a week ago or so wondering if he would come around for Jacob’s party.  Tom said he might make it, but he most likely will have to study.  Ginny drank cheap vodka out of the plastic bottle, greeted her friends when they walked in, and constantly looked around for a familiar face.  The party broke into the cake around midnight and by then the beers were long gone.

Jacob drove his car to New York that night and stayed there for four months.  His friends were ecstatic when they learned he moved there.  Ginny was the only one who seemed hurt by the sudden disappearance, let alone not showing up for his own birthday party.  In those four months, Jacob never once invited Ginny to come visit him.  He was sleeping on different people’s couches, had his own place for some time, then lost it and continued to sleep on couches. 

Ginny’s friends would bring him up in conversation.

They might say, “Yeah I saw Jake in New York.  He’s doin’ okay out there.  Playing music or something.  I dunno, I talked to him for a bit.  Seemed like things are working out for him.” 

            

Jacob appeared in town in that February, the roads still slick from the ebbing winter.  They had coffee for the first time in months at their diner.  The waitress instinctively knew to continually pour coffee for people like him.

“Didn’t work out,” Jacob explained.

“Well it’s cool that you’re back.  There’s a new bar on Baker, near the supermarket.  The ethnic one, or latin.  I dunno.”

“Can I smoke in here?”

“Jake, you know damn well you can’t smoke in here.  You weren’t gone that long.”

Jacob lit up a cigarette and eyed the waitress. 

“Tell me something, Jake.  Tell me anything.  You know, I’ve never made it out of here.”

Ginny would always cringe when she remembered how the color from his eyes shrunk into his pupils gazing grimly at the coffee.

“I was driving though Connecticut or Pennsylvania and I stopped at this fast food restaurant.  I hadn’t been on the road that long.  It seemed much longer, maybe because I was thinking so much- or something.

Seemed like a regular place.  Okay clean- just odd in a way.  Like creepy. And I was the only one there.  It was the afternoon and it felt weird that I would be the only one there.  The guy behind the counter took my order but didn’t seem to really know what he was doing, ya know?  He was going through the motions but it didn’t seem like he did it very often.

Anyway there's this long hallway where the soda machine was.  A long dark hallway that seem to stretch too far- it's just kept going.  The soda machine was the only light way in the back, mostly red.  You could tell even from far away they haven’t changed the soda names on the f****n’ thing for years.  The thing was ancient.  I didn’t get a soda or else I’d have to walk down it.  But I did have to use the bathroom and that was just a bit down the hallway.  I remember the floor getting kinda gross when I walked down there.  Sticky or something.

Place gave me the creeps.  I ended up puking up that food on the side of the road, anyway.  I spent the entire time I was in New York I kept wondering what was going on in there.”

“Did you go, you know, on your way back?”

“Nah, I took a flight back.”

“Weird.”

“Anyway, that was the most interesting thing that happened.”

Please Hurt Me.  The Crystals.

 

The asphalt of the parking lot looked like a volcanic terrain to Jacob, cracks that would span hundreds of miles, continents long.  Ginny blocked the sun with her curls.  From Jacob’s seated position he could only see the dark outlines and the light refracted in her hair.  He thought, if someone were to draw her they would need to emphasize her hair.  It’s what she has.

“It’s way too late, Jake.  Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“Just sayin’.”

“We can go next weekend.” Robert adds.

“Anything is better than this.” 

“Hey.  No one asked you to sit out here alone, Jake.”

Robert had no idea what to say when Ginny and Jacob spoke to one another this way.  He felt like he did as a child when his parents would differ and his father would get irritated and raise his voice over something trivial.  He wanted to help her, to say that she  irritated.  He always wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t be apologetic.  She shouldn’t be sorry for anything, but he never did.

“I have an idea.  Remember that restaurant I told you about?  On the way to New York?”

“Jake, you’re crazy.  First of all that’s too f*****g far and second of all-”

“It’s not that far.  Rob, you’ve been to New York, right? It’s not that far.”

“Three hours or so.  Two with you driving, maybe.” Robert said.

“Or!  We could stay here.”

Ginny fumbled through her purse to find her smokes.  When she finally did, Robert lit her cigarette.

“I’m not even here.  I left a long time ago.”  Jacob heard himself say.

Robert glanced at his watch, still early.

“F**k you guys, I’m going inside.” 

Ginny threw her cig to the volcanic ground and walked into the bar.  Jacob and Robert heard everyone greet her with enthusiasm. They had her back.

“You down?”  Jacob said. 

“What is this place?” 

“I’ll tell ya on the way.”

 

Jacob told the story of the restaurant in the same way he told Ginny but coldly, without emotion.  On the road Jacob confessed that he had fucked other guys when he was younger and that it was no big deal, even better than p***y at times.  He’s never fucked a girl as good as some of his old friends. 

“Sex doesn’t get better, it only gets older.”  Jacob kept his eyes on the road.  He’s said these words to himself hundreds of times before and now the phrase seemed aged on his tongue.  Robert mentions that once he asked a girl to piss on him and she told him no, so he hit her and she asked to be hit again.  Robert omitted that the girl was never really satisfied and once told Robert that he doesn't hit hard enough.  He took that to his grave. 

Although Jacob really didn’t know how to get there, he found it anyway. 

 

The two arrived at the restaurant less buzzed than they’d care to admit.  The light was ripening into an autumn orange that stung Jacob's eyes.  The car stopped alone in the parking lot.  Inside it was silent and there was no one else.  This didn’t surprise Jacob but put him on edge, just the same.  Robert noticed how balmy it felt inside.  A ticking and a spurt came from down the hallway, Robert craned his neck to see what it was.  He was starting to sober up and wasn’t very hungry.  Slowly he began to feel the signs of nausea.  He made glances at all the things from Jacob’s story and had no choice but to agree, it was as he said. 

A man appeared from a side door wiping a thick sweat from his forehead with an old rag.  He didn’t hear them come in, he mentioned passively.  He wore a crooked pin on his shirt that simply stated Manager.  The two ordered cheeseburgers and the manager idly pressed keys.  Robert started to wonder the point of them coming here.  They could have got a burger just about anywhere. Robert touched his palms lightly as they began to dampen and was about to suggest to leave when Jacob realized he forgot his wallet in the car.  He rushed out to get it before Robert could say a word.  He reemerged in the restaurant to a familiar scene.  

No one. 

Sizzling came from the back of the kitchen and the distinct sound of metal items clanging together.  Cooking sounds.  Must have gone to the bathroom, Jacob assured himself.  At the counter he waited for only a minute but he sensed tingling on his skin and beads of sweat in the small of his back.  He walked across the dining area and there it stood, just as he remembered it: the hallway lit from the oil-caked window front and tapered to blackness at the end.  Only the rattling soda machine could be seen in the void, a liquid pool reflected crimson red on the floor.

The bathroom, unisex, was on the left side slightly down where light still showed mercy.  This is stupid, Jacob thought to himself and pulled on the knob.  Empty.  Inside was just a tiled porcelain one-person bathroom.

“Rob?” Closing the door.

“You turned out, didn’t you?” Jacob flung to the wall chest first and was held there beside the bathroom door.  Something grabbed his wrist from behind and stretched them up his back.  His eyes tilted up half expecting to see a shroud-covered ghoul or some toothy-grinned cat.  The manager of the restaurant peered deep down into Jacob through the eye sockets.  That lazy look from his face had disappeared completely and now he was simply ravenous.

“Your friend is gone.  Out of pain so to speak.” 

In the agonizing restraint suddenly all the windows, thick-tinted yellow with age, became the most glorious escapes and every out of reach plastic fork was a coveted weapon.

“So will you be.” 

Thoughts came as gasps, whelps, as pairs.  First the most courageous and opportune action then ending with doubt and certain dread.  Yes, but no.  His mind choked.

“That’s good.  Swallow your hope.” 

The manager reeked of cheap shampoo and frying oil.  Jacob suddenly became aware of a stench that leaked from the dark hallway.  A palpable odor that seemed to rise from the floor up, moist and putrid. 

Sweat dripped from the manager’s face to Jacob’s when he spoke.  In an instant Jacob thought of every turn he made to get where he is, every choice no matter how small.  There must have been hundreds, no thousands, of points that could put him on a different path where he wouldn’t be there.  He prayed for one of them to be true.  Yet he couldn't keep his eyes off the old machine, glowing ruby-red.

“Interested to see what’s down there?”

A faint gurgling sound echoed.  The soda machine flickers in the dark like the lure of some deep-sea predator.

“But first, tell me, why couldn’t you have brought her? 

Jacob’s eyes crept around to meet the managers’. 

“Yes.  Her.  We wanted to taste her.”  With the emphasis the manager pulled hard on the arm he was restraining.  Jacob clenched his eyelids in pain.  He tried not to think of her, but images rushed in.  In the late night diner she would drop her careless attitude and pry into every detail of his face as if cupping it with her concern.  At night, Jacob would wake up at times with a blanket thrown over him.  She’d listen to him say nothing.  She’d tell him he fucked up to his face.

“Why didn’t you break her?” The gurgling down the corridor sputtered louder, the thickness of the fluid bubbled.  Then stopped.

“Imagine how she would taste, how warm her glue.  She would melt across the taste buds.”

Jacob stretched his lips and heaved his tongue to form words.  The effort was staggering.  He peered into the manager’s starved eyes, feverish, and spoke slowly, quietly.

“She won’t-”, Jacob choked.  The manager’s death-eating grin retreated at the edges like waning sexual arousal.

Jacob was spun around and thrown down the unlit hallway.  The floor covered in a rancid, thick resin that pulled out Jacob’s hairs as he tumbled.  Down the hallway the air grew dense with moisture.  The gurgling sound was nearly on top of him and rung clear as if from inside his head.  Then a clicking or ticking and he was dragged further down toward the scarlet glare choking on his screams.  The machine burned callously in the dark.

Over the next few days Jacob was immobilized, tortured, then drained.

           

Ginny assumed Jacob had simply run off with Robert as his new companion.  She could never tell when he would disappear or reappear.  She didn't expected to hear from either of them, she only expected silence.  Plenty of people in her life had done the same.  As she grew older Ginny fucked most of her friends from high school and eventually had to start f*****g people from other high schools.