She is Awake

Patient 23 awoke with a start. She blinked rapidly as her brilliantly blue eyes acclimatised to the bright light above her, realising with sudden clarity that she had the most terrible headache she had ever experienced and she had no idea where she was.

With glacial slowness, she tilted her head to the side to take some measure of where she was. Her head swam and through the haze she managed to perceive that the room appeared to be military in design, but it was the many rows of occupied medical beds that surprised her the most. She tried to move further but it was too much for her and she sank back down on to her own bed with a strained groan.

She drifted in and out of consciousness, fragments of dreams recurring over and over in her subconscious and leaving her in a bemused state and unaware of her surroundings.

It lasted for several hours.

***

“You need to get up,” the voice told her, firmly. She ignored it, but it repeated itself, this time more insistently.

“You can move it now or die here. It is entirely your choice," he said, then paused momentarily as if to think to himself. "Well, perhaps that is not entirely true. I believe you would rather I did not force you."

She let out a groan and forced her eyes to open. She was face to face with a man that she had only ever seen in her dreams. A man that, she thought, was actually quite nice to look at. 

“I am hallucinating,” she thought aloud. “You are a dream, and I am on God know’s how many drugs,” she added, pointing to an intravenous drip.

"No, I assure you I am quite real. Although it may alter your perception of reality should you learn exactly who I am."

She sat up in the bed, suddenly realising how cold and exposed she felt and pulled the medical gown closer, realising that he had probably seen a large amount of exposed flesh. She looked around for more suitable clothing but he beat her to it.

“Direct your gaze over there, by that loading bay door. The clothes within are due to be laundered but I am sure you will find something suitable if not entirely clean,” he offered.

“Th-thank you,” she stuttered. Her head was still reeling and she could not shake the sense of confusion.

“You are most welcome indeed,” he said, flashing her a handsome smile and she enjoyed the way it lit up his entire face. 

“I merely hope to see you up and about as soon as is humanly possible,” he added, and she caught him furtively glancing up and down the length of the hangar for any signs of movement.

“Wait, who are you again?” she asked.

“Of all the questions you should be asking, that is the least of your worries. I am a friend and I intend to help you to the best of my abilities. Let us leave it at that for now,” he said.

She nodded, agreeing on some level that she had more pressing concerns than who this man was. She thought hewanted to help, so she would allow it.

“The drip is partly responsible for the way you feel, remove it. Just pull out the needle, don’t be squeamish,” he said.

“Are you sure? Just, you know, give it a tug?” she asked, feeling unsure.

“I assume so. The quicker you do it the less painful it will be,” he said.

She nodded again, and took hold of it. With a firm tug, she pulled it free, wincing at the momentary flare of pain.

“There, excellent. You will feel better in no time. Come along, the walk will do you good. I need you to get yourself over to that loading bay door,” he told her.

She put one foot on the floor, then the next, and used the bed to lever herself into a standing position. Her leg muscles felt very weak, how long had she been there for atrophy to take such an effect?

With great caution, she let go of the bed and for a moment or two she just stood, shuffling on each foot as if unsure of how to walk.

“That is it, just keep going, a little more. When you are ready, try and get to the door,” he said, offering gentle encouragement.

She tentatively placed one foot in front of the other and stumbled several times as she made her way, often needing to lean on the other beds in the hangar for support.

She looked down at them, all of them looked very ordinary except for their current circumstances. Each one wore a tag with a number, a barcode, and nothing else.  This man was 29. The woman next to him was 30. There was nothing else that could give away their identity and they had nothing obvious in common with each other.

“That’s fine though,” she muttered to herself, “I know exactly who I am. My name is -,” and she stopped. She could not recall her own name at all, and looked at her tag. It said 23 and had a barcode just like all the others. She felt sick, and the room spun for a moment as she clung to the bed to keep herself upright.

“You are doing fine,” her  companion told her, “just a little further now. As soon as you get the clothes we can escape.”

She firmed her resolve and stumbled the last few feet to the laundry bin waiting by the door. She leaned over the side an began to rummage for something suitable, managing to find a pair of jeans, a plain green t-shirt, and a thick burgundy cardigan that scratched at her skin as she put it on. She knew she looked ridiculous, but she could not care about that right now.

“You continue to exceed expectation. I now want you open the door and let us out,” he said.

She looked around for the switch that would open the door but could find none, there was simply a black box with a small green light that was designed to be activated by placing a card key on the surface. She sighed.

“I want you to place your hand on the box and follow my instructions carefully,” he said.

“What do you me-?” she asked, but was cut off.

“Just do it!” he snarled, snapping at her. Then he softened his expression and added in gentler tones, “I am very sorry, I just want us to get out of here as quickly as possible."

She nodded, trying not to let on that he had scared her, and placed her hand on the door.

“Now, I am going to show you something and I want you to promise me that you will tell no other living soul about it because they will not understand. Neither will you to begin with,” he said.

“I…I promise,” she replied.

“Then clear your mind and hold out your hand,” he said, his voice taking on the characteristics of a teacher instructing a student.

She closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind, but all she could think about was the other people still in the beds and the confusion over her situation. She then started to wonder if anyone was missing her and if they had tried to look.

“You are not trying,” he scolded, gently.

“I am, but this is difficult when my head is all over the place,” she said.

“You need to focus. Imagine a box, put everything you are thinking about inside the box, and then push it so far away from you that you cannot see it any more,” he said, waiting. “Yes, like that. See, it was not so difficult. Now, take my hand and open your eyes."

She did so, holding his hand gently, and opened her eyes. Nothing could have prepared her for this, and she choked back a sob. They were tears of joy and longing for the beauty of what had been revealed. It was like she had known all along that the world looked like this but had never truly believed it and ignored it.

The colours were the most beautiful thing about what she saw, thin and fibrous threads danced in, through and around every single object in sight making it feel and look so alive and vibrant, tantalising all of her senses in ways she had never experienced. She was so confident that she could just reach out and touch them, play with them, tease them into new and beautiful forms. She did so, reaching out to caress the fibres of gold and crimson running through the metal near her hand. Then she heard his voice.

“No. You must stop. The strands of energy are beautiful, but they are more dangerous than you know and I have not had the time to prepare you,” he warned.

She looked around to find him but the man was gone. In his place was a geometric design made of the purest white light that changed and shifted continuously, never resting in one pattern. More tendrils constructed of small, interlinked triangles were coiled around her forearm, connecting her to whatever it was. She instinctively pulled away but could not.

“Do not be afraid,” it said in ethereal tones, “I had hoped to introduce myself properly over a slightly longer time frame but we do not have the luxury. You and I will both perish here if we do not escape. For every one of my kind that dies, the Great Adversary grows stronger."

She stopped struggling and swallowed hard, not knowing what to do but not quite being able to believe her current situation. She just stared at the creature that had attached itself to her.

“What you are seeing is energy flowing from one form to another within and around the objects near to you. When one of my kind links to one of yours, it gives you the ability to perceive and manipulate those energy flows. I want you to take those thin fibres of red over there and move them into the black box in front of you. The red fibres are heat. Enough of them and you should be able to overload the circuit and open the door,” it instructed.

“H-how do I do that?” she asked.

“Do not worry, just try it. There is a surprising amount that the human mind can achieve through instinct and this is one of them. Not a coincidence, I might add,” it said.

She concentrated on the thin fibres of red energy coursing through the nearby area, drawing them together into a neat ball before them both. She found that it was easier than she anticipated, and with gentle, reassuring encouragement from the being she gathered a large amount of it. She found that the more she gathered, the harder it became, noticing that when she went to gather more some of the existing fibres trailed off and back into the surroundings.

“That will do,” it said, extending an appendage made of interlocking triangles to point in the direction of the door panel, “Now direct them there."

“Alright,” she said, and did as she was told. There was a brilliant flash, and she noticed that several fainter fibres streaked off into the air and almost went to catch one but he tugged at her arm and shook an arrangement of triangles that she thought was its head.

“Good, that worked well. Now imagine there is a barrier between us and push me away as hard as you can,” it said.

She did as instructed and the lights faded to nothing, the geometric construct of light shifted again and again until it resolved into the form of the man.

“Incredible…” she said,  her tone saturated with awe as she began glancing between the man and the now open door. “I don’t even know where to begin…was that me or you?"

“It was both. It takes both of us to do it, but more you than me. For a first time, that was good. You are a natural,” he told her.

“So what now? This can’t get any stranger and I don’t want to be here when someone finds out what happened,” she said.

He nodded and gestured through the door of the building, which opened out onto a long corridor that stretched on for a hundred metres before curving away to the left.

The corridor itself was lined with no markers or indicators of where they might be, but instead her eyes were drawn to a flashing red light in the centre of the ceiling ahead of her. A security camera.

"Oh, now that is a problem. It is as likely as not that we have been seen," he said without much care, examining his fingernails and correcting his suit. "That is going to cause a spot of bother upstairs, though I might add they will be pleased to discover you awake."

"What the-...What do you mean?" she asked, looking at him warily. "Are you in on this?" she demanded.

"Me? In on what, exactly?" he asked, and she did not have an answer for him. "All I know is that the longer we stand here staring at the camera, we might as well go back in there for a lie down, and I do not enjoy medically induced coma's," he said.

"Then where?" she asked.

"There is only one place to go isn't there? We go down there, follow the rabbit hole as it were. We can only find ourselves in wonderland or a dreamland. One of the two," he said, no doubt trying to sound reassuring but missing it by a mile.

"I'm starting to wonder if this headache is caused by you," she said, dryly.

"Well there are side effects, but you will soon agree that they are worth it. I am worth it," he said, grinning.

Just as they finished their exchange, a number of armed guards rounded the corner and stopped in the middle of the corridor. They formed a defensive formation and the front row carried riot shields. All of them had masks and body armour, with a firearm aimed directly at her head. She squinted as the laser sights danced across her face.

"GET ON THE GROUND, NOW!" one of the guards roared. He appeared to be their commander but he wore no obvious sign of rank or status within the complex. There was no name badge on him or anything that might identify him. "DO AS I SAY! NOW!" he screamed again.

With an involuntary squeal, patient 23 dropped to the concrete floor and lay prostrate upon the ground with her hands on her head, shaking like a leaf.

"We are going to have to work on your sense of style," he said, walking around to the front of her to stand before the guard. He did not react to the man's presence in any way.

"Take my hand again. Do as you did before. We can take these men out relatively easily and hopefully escape fully before they have a chance to be missed," he explained.

"I'm not going to kill them, you madman. Wait...why can't they see you?" she asked.

"STAY ON THE FLOOR! Wait. Who are you talking to, patient?" The guard asked her.

"The voice in my head, I dunno. You tell me," she said.

"The whole bleedin' lot of you are insane. We should just shoot you monsters on sight," he said in reply.

"Take my hand again, 23. You are going to have to appreciate that being squeamish does not get you anywhere. Quite the contrary if present circumstance is anything to go by. Now, do as you did before..." he instructed.

She reached out a hand and took the man's without another word, trying to calm her breathing and failing. She closed it around his ankle, and carried out her breathing exercise.

"Hey, you. What are you doing? Looks like some kind of fit..." he said, caution creeping into his voice.

23's world reformed into the most brilliant whirls and eddies of colour as the patterns of energy came into view for her. She was overwhelmed by how beautiful it was and looked around in a daze, ignoring her present danger as the colours dancing mesmerised her completely.

"Get a grip, woman," her companion said in a less than gentlemanly snarl.

"Now, you know how I told you to gather thermal energy? Yes, the red fibres. I need you to do that again now." he instructed, carefully.

She began to build it in her minds eye. The thin fibres of glowing, red light twisted and writhed into one mass of thermal energy. Ice crystals began to form on the walls nearby but close enough to where she worked, the temperature soared. Heat. The air went from a faint shimmer to a blinding, radiant ball of light in an instant.

"Throw it at them," he said, as casually as if telling her to pass them a book. "Do not just lie there looking dumb, throw the heat at them," he added.

The men gasped, some of them lost their nerve and turned to run back down the corridor. She heard a gunshot but the inferno raging between them must have incinerated the bullet before it could hit her. Instinct took over, and she struck.

An explosion rocked the corridor, and she felt herself lifted bodily from the floor by the force of it and carried several meters back. She hit her head and slithered down the wall, unconscious.

"This is not looking g-," the strange man looked at the young woman and vanished into nothing before he could finish.

Reviews

[MaliKate]

Yet AGAIN I am not disappointed. Your story is intriguing. 23 is intriguing. I've scrapped my alien theory because he seems different to an alien. And I'm still curious about that hourglass. Is her time running short?

So, I noticed that the guy's dialogue alternates between formal and informal. For example, "it's" and "it is". If the guy has some ancient way of speaking, I'd imagine him speaking formal throughout. Maybe as the story progresses then he might adapt to informal speech. Or maybe she adapts to formal. Or maybe they both adapt to informal because she could be some mythological creature herself. So I'd just make sure that his formality or informality is present throughout. You need to ensure that it suits his character and helps the reader to get to know him as the person/creature he is.

A few things I picked up on. Whether or not to go by my suggestions or take them into account is entirely your choice. I am merely picking out what I notice and offering alternatives or letting you know what needs to be edited.

1. “You need to get up,” the voice told her, firmly. She ignored it, but it repeated itself again, this time more insistently.

The word "again" in this sentence isn't necessary as we already know he said it again due to him "repeating" himself. So that word can be omitted.

2. “Move it, or die here. It’s your choice…well, perhaps not entirely true. You would rather I didn’t force you, we are both still weak,” it said.

I would change this to something like... "You can move it now or die here. It's your choice," he said, then paused momentarily as if to think to himself. "Well, perhaps that's not entirely true. I believe you would rather I did not force you."

The next bit at the end of that sentence says that they are both weak, which contradicts his threat of forcing her. If he was weak but wanted to force her, then he would not admit to being weak, would he? So I'd personally either omit that and prove somewhere later that he is weak, or remove the threat of forcing her. Or he can just say that she has to bear with him and that he'd force her if he could. Although that would give us the sense of his vulnerability, and that may not be what you want. It's entirely your choice - and these are merely observations turned into suggestions.

3. “No. I assure you, I am quite real but it would stretch your definition of real to comprehend fully who I am…but there’s a time and place for all that,” he said.

I get the sentence well, but I think it could be revised. I'm not entirely sure in what way, though. "...but it would stretch your definition of real..." is the part that bothers me.

Maybe it can be rephrased to something like, "although it may alter your perception of reality should you learn exactly who I am." (Or something along those lines - just an example, remember.)

So all in all: "No, I assure you I am quite real. Although it may alter your perception of reality should you learn exactly who I am."

4. “Not a problem, my sweet,” he said, flashing her a smile.

Nothing wrong with the sentence. But I'm interested in what this man looks like. Is he tall and blond with gleaming white teeth? Is he buck toothed with rot at the roots? And what kind of smile was it? Was it cool, easy, genuine, half-hearted...? I can't see the character as well as I'd like to. We as readers don't need to see a full description of the character, but we want at least a vague idea about what we're looking at. A book is more than writing an event - it is creating a movie that plays in the readers head.

I'd also suggest giving a little bit of detail to 23. Did her brown eyes just open? Were they blue? Is she black or white? Did she press her fingers against her matted brown hair to try ease her dizziness? Maybe she can pass a mirror or window and catch a glimpse of herself.

5. “Wait…who are you, again?” She asked.

Should be: "Wait, who are you again?" she asked. The "s" is small. They are only capital when it's a necessary full stop at the end of the speech. Even when it's "!" or "?" - always a small letter following. Try and avoid "..." as well. It really only works when the character's speech is fading out or something.

6. “Of all the questions you should be asking, that’s the least of your worries. I am a friend, and I intend to help you to the best of my abilities. Let us leave it at that,” he said.

Okay, a perfect example of a swap between formality and informality. "...that's the least of your worries..." and then "...I am a friend" as opposed to "I'm a friend". And "Let us leave it at that" as opposed to "Let's just leave it as that."

It's either "that's" or "that is". "I'm" or "I am". "Let's" or "Let us". You see?

7. “Are you sure? Just…you know…give it a tug?” She asked, seeming unsure.

"Are you sure?" she asked, feeling unsure. "Just, you know, give it a tug?" - small "s" and omit the "..."!

8. “You’re doing fine,” her companion told her, “just a little further now. As soon as you get the clothes we can escape,” he said.

Since his formal speech overrules his informal, I'd suggest changing this to something like:

“You are doing fine,” her companion told her. "It is only a little further now. As soon as you get the clothes we can escape." (You don't need to add ", he said." at the end of that.)

9. “Right, good…I want you open the door and let us out,” he said.

Due to his overruling formality, the word "right" doesn't flow comfortably off the tongue. Maybe something like:

"That is very good. Now, open the door and let us out," he said.

10. “That will do,” it said, extending an appendage made of interlocking triangles to point in the direction of the door panel, “Now direct them there,” it said.

Because the dialogue extends twice in one sentence, you don't need the last "it said."

So it'd go like this:

“That will do,” it said, extending an appendage made of interlocking triangles to point in the direction of the door panel. “Now direct them there.”

It can even be:

“That will do,” it said as it extended an appendage made of interlocking triangles to point in the direction of the door panel. “Now direct them there.”

11. "Now...you know how I told you to gather thermal energy...yes, the red fibres...I need you to do that now{.}" he instructed, carefully. - needs to be comma and to omit the "..."!

"Now, you know how I told you to gather thermal energy? Yes, the red fibres. I need you to do that now," he said.

Just go through all your dialogue and make sure the rules apply throughout.


Now for the praise and adoration! The story itself is addictive. I read it in a flash because it was enjoyable, probably induced by the prologue. I was excited to read the chapter. The way you describe it pulls me into this dimension that I don't think a real human could ever truly fathom.

As for the length, I think it's great. Stories that don't send readers skimming through for the interesting parts usually find themselves in a reader's good books. I can see "***" at the end so it's clear you're planning on adding more. Just be careful that it isn't too long. If it's long enough to be two chapters then make it two chapters. It's better to have more chapters than extended chapters. That gets the story moving.

Overall, excellent job!

[jamesemaj89]

Thanks! I've checked back for the mistakes and taken your alterations into account. I guess I wasn't consciously thinking about things like the use of formal vs informal for different characters, but you're right.

His personality and manner are meant to conjure the image of a gentleman, some sort of aristocrat from days gone by. Appearance wise, assume handsome and suave. I'll write something in there to make that clearer. She's meant to be a bit of a plain Jane.

I toyed with including a brief extract of the medical report for her when she was admitted to give some idea of how she looks.

[jamesemaj89]

Also, I'm worried that these are too short. I'm wondering if there's an issue with description and making sure that things are as clear to other people as they are in my head when I'm imagining the scene. I dunno, really. :)

[MaliKate]

Don't worry, I'm the same. We all face the same risk of under explaining or over explaining. I'll have another read when I get home later, or maybe tomorrow depending on my exhaustion haha. What I got so far though was really great. I skimmed through some last night and noticed there are still a few "he said, she said" errors. Such as capital "He or She" where they weren't supposed to be. So I'd just suggest running through that bit again. I'll get back to you soon on the description. :)

[MaliKate]

“Are you sure? Just, you know, give it a tug?” she asked, feeling unsure.
“You are doing fine,” her companion told her, “just a little further now. As soon as you get the clothes we can escape.”

“What do you me-?” she asked, but was cut off.

“Just do it!” he snarled, snapping at her. Then he softened his expression and added in gentler tones, “I am very sorry, I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible.”

“You need to focus. Imagine a box, put everything you are thinking about inside the box, and then push it so far away from you that you cannot see it anymore,” he instructed. “Yes, like that. See, it was not so difficult. Now, take my hand and open your eyes.”

“H-how do I do that?” she asked.

“That will do,” it said, extending an appendage made of interlocking triangles to point in the direction of the door panel. “Now direct them there.”

“Incredible…” she said, her tone saturated with awe as she began glancing between the man and the now open door. I don’t even know where to begin…was that me or you?”

"Oh, now that is a problem. Likely as not we have been seen," he said without much care, examining his fingernails. "That is going to cause a spot of bother upstairs, though I might add they will be pleased to discover you.”

"What the-...What do you mean?" she asked, looking at him warily. "Are you in on this?"

"Me? In on what, exactly?" he asked, and she did not have an answer for him. "All I know is that the longer we stand here staring at the camera, we might as well go back in there for a lie down, and I do not enjoy medically induced coma's.”

"Then where?" she asked.

* * *

Just a few more I picked up on but I didn't search the whole page so there may be more you missed. These are ones that I edited.

Here they are in detail:

"Oh, now that is a problem. Likely as not we have been seen," he said without much care, examining his fingernails. "That is going to cause a spot of bother upstairs, though I might add they will be pleased to discover you," he said.

There doesn't need to be a "he said she said" twice in one line of dialogue. It only needs to be once and that's half way or at the end. As the writer, you'll have a good feel as to where you want it to be.

And as for the "seeming unsure" part, I had written an edited version but didn't explain it. Not really much to explain, only that "seeming" doesn't let us into our emotions. It makes us look at her rather than look into her. So if you put "feeling" then we really get to delve deeper into her character.

Still some capitals in the "he said she said" and I pointed some out up the top there (those are edited versions only removing the capital letters, replacing full stops for commas and removing the extra "he said she said" in the split dialogues.

As for the description, I found it was right to my liking. Have a read over though, not critically, but just a genuine read of the story and dismiss all the ideas you have of your characters from your head as you read. If you can't imagine the characters the way you thought, then you know how to fix that.

It's up to you to be comfortable with your characters, us readers will genuinely be in for the ride.