Who I am

Are we really ourselves? Or just a reflection of what we see?

‘Be yourself.’ They said to me

But who am I?

Aren’t I just a concoction of you all?

Whom I have seen, live their lives,

Deceive their destinies with puny lies, I’m 'em.

A little bit of you all, is who I am,

Everything I know, is who I am.

But mostly he, who hurt me most, I’m him.

I might have turned him out from my life,

just to occlude all the strife, But I’m him.

To never let anyone stab me like he did,

To hurl out the venom he blessed me with, or,

to punish the world for his sins,

I am who he is.

Like you teach me, I will be,

What you show me, I will see.

But when you gave me abhor,

don’t wish me to love,

because I am what you are to me.

Author's Note

We may be dark, but so is the world.

Reviews

[JayG]

The reader, as in everything we do, asks, “What’s in it for me? What do I get from this?”

In this case, it reduces to: “Why do I care that someone I don’t know is upset with someone I know nothing about?

Look at the structure. You began with rhetorical questions, for which the reader has no context. When you say, “Deceive their destinies with puny lies,” are you talking to me? Do I have a “puny life?” And what is this destiny that I’m “deceiving?” You know, but you begin reading with context and intent, of which I know nothing. So how can the words have the same relevance to me as they have for you?

You then speak to an unknown “he” with, “But mostly he, who hurt me most, I’m him.”

Who is this male, and how did he hurt the unknown speaker? Damned if I know, because only you own the necessary context. So in the end, though it certainly wasn’t your intent, what can a reader do but say, “Awww…boor baby.” ?

My point? Don’t talk TO the reader. Make THEM live the situation. Give them reason to CARE. Poetry is emotion, not fact-based, so your goal is to make the reader react, not nod in understanding. So…if this “him” is a b*****d, instead of telling the reader that, make them say, “Damn…he’s s real b*****d.

Is it easy? Hell no. But that’s why poets get paid so much. 🤪

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Jags]

Points noted. Thank you very much for your time... Will surely implement this in future :)

[T.S. Ulmus]

I have to discent from Jay's comment, respectfully as a venerable colleague of course. A first-person narrative about the nature of existence seems quite appropriate. "To hurl out the venom he blessed me with" is quite a powerful phrase. Let the entire night sky reflect in a single drop of few and put out any words you would.

[Jags]

Indeed, thank you very much for reading and reviewing!!

[wordman]

i guess we are what we need to be at the time we`re in

[Jags]

Yes indeed. Thanks for your time:)

[wordman]

you`re welcome