Jordan

    "Rebecca, it's me. Look, something happened last night. I need you to call me as soon as you get this. I love you. Bye." I hit the skip button. "Rebecca? It's me again. Um, I called you around 9:00, and now it's about 11:30, so give me a call. I love you." I hit the skip button again. "Okay, so now it's about 3:00 and this is my third time calling you. I need to talk to you. It's important. Call me back. I love you." I hung up my phone when the third message ended.
    Along with the voicemails from Jordan, my phone was being bombarded with texts from Shawn all day. "Rebecca, we still need to talk." "You can't ignore me forever." "Do you want me to just show up?" "Please just call me." "Rebecca, I can't handle this." "I love you, please just call me."
    My brain was overwhelmed. Should I call Shawn or Jordan? Did I even want to talk to either of them. How was I going to be angry with Jordan for cheating on me when I'd done the same thing with Shawn? And what was I going to do about Shawn? He was in love with me, and I took advantage of that when I was upset to sleep with him. I brought my hands up to my head and grabbed fistfuls of hair. Tears started to well up, and I pulled slightly, grinding my teeth in pain until I pushed the tears away.
    My phone rang again. It was Kevin. "Hello?" I answered, trying to sound casual.
    "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked immediately.
    "Nothing, Kev, I'm just kinda freaking out right now." I tried to think of an excuse. "I haven't gotten much sleep lately."
    In his typical smart-a*s attitude, Kevin said, "Usually that implies something being wrong. Talk to me, Rebecca."
    I sighed. "Come pick me up." I hung up, and went outside. Kevin lived five minutes away walking, and I knew it wouldn't take long for him to drive here. As predicted, he pulled in within minutes. I climbed into the passenger seat, and he drove to our rock. At least, he drove to the path and we walked to the rock. Once we were there, Kevin sat beside me and nudged me with his shoulder. "I slept with Shawn last night."
    "Totally not what I was expecting you to start off with. Why? What happened to Jordan?"
    I wasn't ready to talk about Jordan yet. "I was mad at him. It was a mistake; I shouldn't have done it. And I'm just afraid that Shawn's going to get the wrong idea. I was upset and vulnerable, and it just happened. I don't know what to do."
    Kevin pursed his lips to one side, something he was prone to doing when he was thinking. "Tell Jordan and talk to Shawn."
    "You make it sound so easy!" I snapped. "If the solution was that simple, I would have done that already. They've both been blowing up my phone since 8:00 this morning."
    "Even Jordan?" Kevin asked. I nodded, but didn't elaborate. "Well, it sounds so easy, because it is. That's the only thing you can do. Jordan's your boyfriend; you can't avoid him forever. And Shawn... I don't know much about him, but if you're really friends with him, you're kind of obligated to talk to him." He put his arm around me. "No matter what happens between you and either of them, I'm here for you every step of the way. Even if you want me to bring you to them and wait for you so you aren't alone afterward, you know I'll do that. We're best friends for a reason, Beckie."
    I didn't respond right away, but I leaned my head on his shoulder. There was nothing between Kevin and I except friendship. It was nice that I could feel comfort with the simple intimacy and not worry about another Shawn-like situation. "Could you bring me to Jordan's?" I asked.
    Kevin nodded and we slid off the rock. The drive to Jordan's house was basically silent. Kevin let me reflect on what I wanted to say... what I needed to say. The only times I spoke was to tell him where to turn and when, finally, to stop. I hesitated before opening the door. "I'll be right here when you come out," he reassured me, understanding me perfectly, as always.
    Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the door and walked up to Jordan's front door. I barely reached the tops of the steps when Jordan was standing in front of me. "Rebecca," he said softly, pulling me forward. I didn't have the heart to hug him back, and I felt tears well up in my eyes, as they had been so frequently lately. I took a shaky breath, and Jordan looked at me. "Baby, what's wrong?"
    "We need to talk," I blurted out before I lost my nerve. I sat down on the very steps I'd just climbed up. I waited while Jordan shut the door and sat beside me. "What happened last night?"
    Jordan didn't respond right away, and when I turned to look at him, he had his head down with his fingers laced behind his neck. "You have to understand, Rebecca, that I wasn't thinking clearly. A friend from school invited Missy over to party, and my mom and her mom asked me to go with her and keep an eye on her, since she doesn't actually know anyone. She met the kid while she was out running or something. We both got a little tipsy and she kissed me." Silence. "And I kissed her back."
    There was more silence, but it was the kind of silence that said there was more to the story. "What else, Jord?"
    "Rebecca, please. It was a mistake." He bit his bottom lip. "Someone saw us kiss and pushed us toward a bedroom. And we had sex."
    My heart broke at the words, but I stayed composed. I had to remember that I wasn't in a position to condemn his actions. "I know. Missy called me last night and sent me a picture of the two of you laying in bed together."
    Jordan's head sank back down momentarily. "No wonder you ignored my calls all day. I'm so sorry, Rebecca."
    I took another deep breath. "I slept with Shawn." I closed my eyes, counted to ten and looked over at Jordan. He was frozen in place with a look of anguish spread across his features. "After I got the call and picture from Missy, I was upset. I called Shawn because I knew he'd be there to talk me through it despite it being 3:30 in the morning."
    "Sounds like he did more than talk," Jordan interjected with a growl.
    I chose to ignore his comment, knowing the words came from pain more than spite."He came and got me, and we went down near the edge of town and well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex."
    I bit my tongue in anticipation as I waited for Jordan's response. "So what now?" he asked after what felt like a hundred years.
    My anger exploded. "What now? What now! You just told me you slept with your ex while you were drunk, and I told you that I slept with Shawn in, more or less, revenge. And all you have to say in response is what now?" I breathed in deeply. "I'll tell you what now. I'm done. We're through."
    Jordan looked more surprised by my declaration than my previous confession. "Rebecca?"
    "I can't, Jordan. Obviously we aren't good together if you're still harboring feelings for your ex-girlfriend, who just so happens to be staying with you. Oh, and let's not forget about me, who just casually slept with my best friend that's been pining after me since the seventh grade. Yeah, we're a perfect match," I ended bitterly.
    Jordan reached for my hand, standing up, but I stepped away from him. "I can move past it if you can," he bargained hopefully.
    I shook my head dejectedly. "I can't. I'm sorry. Goodbye." Turning on my heel, I ran back to Kevin's car. I started crying as soon as Jordan was out of sight, and Kevin reached over to put his hand on my back.When we reached the much-driven-over shoulder to our rock, Kevin wordlessly scooted across his truck's seat and put his arms around me. Ten minutes passed, where Kevin did nothing more than hold me in the most platonic, supportive way possible.Finally, I pulled me head up. I was a mess. My nose was running, my eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and my ruined mascara and eyeliner ran tracks down my cheeks. "I ended it with him," I said brokenly. "I couldn't do it anymore, Kev. There's no chance for us anymore."
    "Don't talk like that, Beckie. You don't know that. I haven't seen you this happy with someone in all the years we've known each other. That's not something you should give up on so quickly."
    I ignored his statement. "I need to see Shawn."
    Kevin took my silence in stride, as he always did. "Need a ride?"
    "Just there," I said, nodding. "I can walk home from Shawn's. He lives closer to me than you do." I wiped the dried make up off my cheeks and tried to fix my hair a little bit. "Thank you, Kevin. This means a lot to me."
    He smiled. "That's what I'm here for, love." He drove me the short distance to Shawn's and leaned over to plant a kiss on my cheek before I clambered out clumsily. "For good luck. Call me later." He waved and drove away.
    Shawn's car sat in his driveway. I strode up to the small house and rang the doorbell. I could hear the echo. A few minutes went by before I heard the door unlock. Shawn stood in front of me, a blanket wrapped around his body. If he was surprised by my presence on his front porch, his face didn't betray it. He leaned, almost casually, against his door frame. "Didn't expect to see you here."
    "Honestly, I didn't expect to be here. But I didn't think it was fair to leave you hanging after we, um. Well after we--"
    "Had sex?" Shawn finished bluntly, his neutral expression still unchanged.
    My face burned red with embarrassment and frustration. "Yes," I replied in a clipped tone. "Shawn, I know how you feel about me, but--"
    Once again, he cut me off mid-sentence. "No, I really don't think you do, Rebecca." He finally let some emotion through, a heartbreaking mix of pain, anger and love. "Until you fall in love with someone, chase them unsuccessfully for years, have them sleep with you for god-knows-why and yet still refuse to give you a chance, I don't want to hear you say that you know how I feel."
    Shawn's outburst momentarily stunned me into silence. But I quickly bounced back. "No, I don't know how that feels, but I'm not going to apologize for how I feel... or how I don't feel. I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry you feel used, but don't expect me to be sorry because you fell in love with me, and I didn't fall back."
    He punched the door frame in frustration. "Why won't you just open your goddamn eyes and realize how perfect we are for each other?"
    "Stop it!" I shouted. We were standing on opposite sides of the door frame, shouting loudly at this point. "I came over here to apologize for hurting you, but to let you know that it meant nothing. It was a mistake and I wish it hadn't happened." My words hurt him like a slap in the face; I watched the color and passion drain from his eyes. But I didn't stop there. "You're a pathetic excuse for a person... for a man. I don't know how I stayed friends with  you for as long as I did. Don't call me, or text me, or IM me, or in any way contact me ever again. I want nothing to do with you."
    I watched his face crumble as I turned around and walked away, feeling a pang in my heart for the two losses I had suffered.