The Monster Inside Her Heart

This is my second attempt at writing this story. The last time I tried to write it, I was about five years younger, and it came out sounding very immature, with a lot of unnecessary dialogue and exclamation points. So this is my second try at revamping the story. Give me creative criticism on the dialogue, the grammar, everything and anything you can see wrong. But be gentle. Anything harsh and I won't want to write it anymore.