An Inside Joke, A Surprise, A Kiss and A Secret

    A rumor started spreading through the eighth grade and eventually found its way permeated into the seventh. Unlike most people, however, the rumors didn't upset me or make me angry. In fact, I liked people approaching me about it. There was no truth to the rumors, though every part of me wished there was. "Cassi, I heard that you're dating Brendan Allen? Is that true?"
    I always shook my head and told them that no, I wasn't dating Brendan. This had been happening since the beginning of the year. I wasn't the only one that people asked, either. Occasionally, Brendan was questioned. Sometimes even Zach, Mike, Megan or Austin. But everyone was saying it and almost everyone believed it. Despite our frequent denials, people kept the rumors up. It turned into a joke with Brendan and me. "Are we dating today?" I would ask him, or he would ask me. If we were, then we went through the whole day holding hands, kissing on the cheek, acting as if we were dating. It fooled everyone. Even our group had to ask us until we told them it was just to mess with everyone's mind. In reality, I only went along with it because it gave me the chance to act like I was dating the kid I had wanted to date for almost a year and a half. Megan and Mike both tried telling me it was the same for him too, but I was in complete denial. I knew what I wanted to be with Brendan. However, I was also smart enough to know that we would always just be friends. I had grown to accept that fact.
    I was glad, however, that we weren't just friends. Brendan and I had, that year, grown to be best friends. If I couldn't have him as my boyfriend, I was glad to have him in my life at all. So I played along.
    When Brendan and I managed to get in the library alone, just the two of us, it was always just different between us. We didn't get the opportunity often. Usually it was our whole group hanging out together in the library. Once or twice a week however, Brendan and I got our time alone. Thinking about it now, years later, I think everyone else knew about those trips for Brendan and me. I think that's why we got those opportunities at all. Whatever the reasons were, I was grateful for them then, and I still am now. It helped us both a lot in the long run.
    We always sat at the chairs all the way in the back of the library, the same place that Austin had done his dance. Only we never sat in the chairs; we sat on the floor in front of them. We would push the two chairs facing the window, and simultaneously facing away from everyone else, together and sit in front of them, side by side. We weren't doing anything wrong. It was just a matter of us wanting our privacy. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we read from the Chicken Soup for the Soul books (which I had recently become addicted to and forced Brendan to read), and sometimes we just did our own thing. Brendan liked to draw and really had a talent for it when he tried. Sometimes I would be sitting or lying on a chair, writing a poem or a story in my notebook, and after twenty or thirty minutes, he would tap me on the shoulder to show me his most recent drawing.
    Occasionally, there were days when Brendan wouldn't be in lunch or Sex Ed, but I would know he was at school. I'd see him in the guidance office or just walking around, ditching class. I would still go to the library at the end of the day, hoping he would show up. When he did, we would do our thing. However, when he didn't show up there either, I used that time to think... to write... to just reflect, usually on my favorite memories with my friends, namely Brendan. I was graduating middle school that year, and tried to remember everything I could. So most memories I would recall would wind up written in my notebook. One day, Brendan hadn't been in school, and I knew it. I still hoped, though. I went to the library anyway and just sat in one of the chairs. I leaned back, closed my eyes... and let the memories flood in...
    I will never forget the day I thought he was mad at me. He had seemed fine with me at the beginning of the day, in Sex Ed and at lunch. In fact, he'd seemed to be in one of those moods. He hadn't taken his eyes off of me for more than thirty seconds at a time. And then when we got to the library at the end of the day, he completely ignored me when I went to the back, where he was already sitting. Oddly, he wasn't sitting on the floor like he usually did. He was sitting on a chair, facing me. I sat on the floor and looked up at him. "What's up?" I asked.
    He stared at me without saying anything for a good five minutes before shaking his head and shrugging. He took out his sketchpad and started drawing. I was a bit upset now. I sat up in the chair across from Brendan, took my notebook out of my backpack and started writing on the first blank page I saw. I was just getting the thoughts out of my head. Currently, my thoughts were all focused on the angry boy sitting across from me, occasionally looking up with a frown on his face. Every time I said something, he ignored me. After a half hour of this, I finally threw my notebook into my backpack and stood up. "You're being a real a*****e today, Brendan. I don't know why, but you are. I didn't do anything to you and you're completely ignoring me. So, I'm going back to class. See you tomorrow."
    I walked out without looking back at him. I took my seat beside Megan back in my homeroom. "Why are you back so early? Who was there?"
    "It was just Brendan and me. He was ignoring me in every sense of the word 'ignore', so I left. He's being a jerk."
    She must have heard the tears in my voice because she put her arm around me and said, "It'll be fine, sweetie. He'll come around. He's just being stupid."
    Suddenly there was a quick tapping on the door window. Brendan stood there with a smile. I glared at him. "I don't wanna talk to him right now. I really don't."
    "I'll go see what he wants." Megan stood up and walked over to where the bathroom pass and sign-out sheet were. Grabbing the pass, she walked back past me, opened the door and slipped out. I watched her talk to Brendan for a few minutes. His face went through an array of emotions: confusion, surprise, amusement and finally relief. I wondered what they were talking about. She was back in the room in two minutes and I stayed in my seat, bouncing in anticipation. She stopped by my desk on the way back. "I suggest going out there and talking to that boy."
    I gave her a weird look, but she just smiled. I took the pass out of her hands and walked out. I never signed out and Mr. Perry, my homeroom teacher, was used to this. When I saw Brendan standing outside my door, in perfect view of the teacher, I waved him farther down the hallway. "Walk more down. The teachers can see us." We walked silently to where the bathrooms were and sat down. "Well?" I asked.
    "I'm not mad at you. I wasn't mad at you or anything like that," he said. "I just... I had something to show you and I wanted it to be a surprise."
    "So you ignored me? You could've just said you had a surprise and you'd show me later."
    "I know. I'm sorry, Cassi." His tone was apologetic, so I stopped being antagonistic.
    "Well... I'm sorry, too. I probably shouldn't have overreacted."
    "Wasn't your fault. So can I show you what I was working on?"
    I smiled at him and nodded. "Yeah!"
    He reached into his backpack and pulled out his sketchpad. Flipping through some of the pages, he started talking again, "There are actually two. One I think you'll like more than the other, and I'll show you that one first. But be honest with me; I really want to know if you like them." Brendan stopped flipping through the pages and hesitated with a sheepish look. "Promise me you won't laugh?"
    "I promise. I wouldn't do that to you, Brendan." He handed me the book and quickly stood up. It was a beautiful landscape picture. I didn't recognize where it was drawn, but in the middle of a beautiful sunset, there was a weeping willow, which was my favorite tree. I had never told Brendan that directly though, so it was either him being a good friend or it was merely coincidental. The very top part of the sky was already a dark blue and sparkling with stars. I had to assume that he'd drawn it a few nights before. It was stunning. "Brendan... oh my gosh. This is incredible. And you drew this?" He nodded. "It's amazing. Seriously, I love it."
    "I thought you would. You can keep it if you want to."
    "Oh, no, I couldn't. This is yours. When you're famous one day, you'll be able to show people this. You keep it, Brendan. What's the other one?"
    He blushed deeply. "I'm not sure I want to show you anymore."
    "Oh come on! You can't do that to me! Please! I wanna see it! I promised you I wouldn't laugh. Show me."
    His blushing got deeper. "Okay. But this time, I'm leaving the vicinity. I'll be back in a couple of minutes." He took the sketchpad and flipped to the very last page. I got it back face-down, and he quickly walked into the boy's bathroom.
    I turned it over and lost my breath. It was a portrait. I studied every detail: the small dimple in the chin, the wide and happy smile, the eyes that looked like they were simply dancing, the hair pulled into a ponytail... everything down to the familiar t-shirt that I was wearing at that very moment. I wasn't sure how Brendan had been able to draw a picture of me looking so happy when I was in such a terrible mood when I'd seen him in the library, when he'd been drawing this. It was his only picture in his book without color. It made me look a hundred times better than I looked in reality. I felt tears well up in my eyes and heard a door open to the right of me. Brendan sat beside me. "Well?" I opened my mouth to talk, but I couldn't get any words out. "That bad?" I caught his eye. He looked truly conflicted. My reaction confused him.
    Once again, I tried to speak, but once again, I failed. Instead I stood up and pulled him up with me. When we were both standing, I threw my arms around him and held him tightly. "I love it, Brendan. I really do. How did you do that though?"
    "Do what?" He was confused.
    "You were drawing it while you were in the library. I was in a bad mood, but in the picture I'm smiling and happy. How did you do that?"
    Brendan laughed and a slighter version of his blush returned. "You have to promise not to laugh again."
    "I won't laugh! Why do you always assume I'm going to laugh at you?"
    He paused. "I don't know. Just don't." He sighed. "Well, to be honest, I love your smile. In my opinion, your smile is your best feature. It can cheer me up anytime. It always has. So I kinda have it memorized... your smile, I mean. And your eyes... those I could get while you were sitting there. And everything else... just kind of fell in with each other." He grinned. "Of course, the picture couldn't capture your actual beauty. That's really the only thing I dislike about it. But otherwise, I thought it came out pretty okay. So you really like it?"
    "Yeah."
    "Good. And if you don't mind, I'd like to keep this one. Like I said, your smile cheers me up." I was the one to blush this time. "Well, I guess you need to be getting back to class."
    I nodded. "Yeah, Mr. Perry will notice me not there. It's probably quiet in there for once." We laughed. I hugged him tightly. "Thank you, Brendan. You're the greatest friend I could ever have." I kissed his cheek lightly before running off back to class. "Bye!" I whispered loudly back to him...
    Mr. Perry hadn't noticed I was gone when I walked back in, and Megan had a sly look on her face. I told her about the pictures and she smiled smugly, a slight "I-told-you-so" gleam in her eyes.
    Those were the kind of memories I relived. That one came to me frequently. It was one of the times that almost made me cry after eighth grade.
    As time went on, our visits to the library changed. We had fewer conversations, and we read from the Chicken Soup books more. It became my obsession. I read them as often as I could, and eventually I just forced Brendan into reading them, too.
    My favorite sections were the ones about love and friendship. Brendan liked reading the ones about tough times, learning lessons and, very seldom, family. It was just days after Austin's exuberant dance in the library that I got what is probably my favorite memory from my middle school years...
    We sat together on the floor in front of the chairs, just like we always did. Brendan was sitting with his legs both straight out, and I had mine bent at the knees, leaning my Chicken Soup book against my thighs. For reasons I still don’t know to this day, Brendan held my left hand easily with his right. His book was face down on his lap, his next story already chosen. I was reading mine.
    When I finished reading my story from friendship, Brendan looked up at me and smiled, biting his lip at the same time. We took turns reading stories or poems. It was corny and stupid to some people, yes, but it was a way to pass time. And I liked hearing his voice. "Don't even say it, Iverson,” I told him. “I'm not going to laugh."
    "Okay," he replied, laughing a bit. He took a deep, shaky breath and started a poem that I already knew by heart:
    "I never thought I'd find myself the day that I found you. Plans for only one of me are future plans for two. Soul mates in this universe that make the world surreal. For when I'd given up on dreams, you showed me love is real. And now that all my love for you will never cease to grow, please take me in your loving arms and never let me go."
    I was smiling when he finished talking, but once again, Brendan Allen had shot me speechless. It took me a minute or two before I was sure I could speak in a full sentence. "Wow. I have to be honest, Iverson, I never thought I'd hear a love poem leave your mouth."
    We both laughed and our eyes caught each other... caught each other and held. I was just thinking about the past two years. Not about the stupid arguments between him and me, not about the mistakes we’d made. I thought about the inside jokes... the fun times... the laughs. How I wanted little more in that very moment than to just kiss him. It was probably why I was imagining him moving closer and closer to me every second. I opened my mouth with every intention of telling him how I felt. I looked up at Brendan to meet his eyes. There was only one problem: he had his eyes shut. I wasn’t imagining him moving closer to me every second. Oh my gosh, I thought to myself. We’re about to kiss. I am about to kiss Brendan. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. It’s finally, really happening! I stopped freaking out in my head and let my instincts take over. This would be my first kiss ever. I hadn’t practiced with my girlfriends, or read books or websites like most girls my age had. I was jumping headfirst into unknown territory. Knowing that it was the same for Brendan comforted me.
    His face was mere centimeters away from me when he hesitated slightly. I closed my eyes. Next thing I knew, Brendan’s lips were on mine. I literally lost my breath. He kissed me very gently, keeping his mouth closed. He still seemed guarded. Despite that, it was one hell of a way for me to get closure. After all, I finally got to kiss Brendan. Our mouths separated for a millisecond while we both caught our breath before we were kissing again, this time not so gently. His hands wound up tangled up in my hair, and my arms twisted up to his neck. Little by little, it transformed into an open-mouth kiss, and just as I was about to faint due to shock, lack of oxygen and complete joy, Brendan pulled away from me. There was a look of surprise on his face. “I… am so sorry!” he exclaimed. “I am so sorry! I shouldn’t have done that.”
    “What? Why?” I asked.
    “Because I shouldn’t have.” Brendan looked at me. He had been starting to stand up, but stopped abruptly, sitting back down next to me. His hand found mine and he held on tightly. “Cassi, you’re my best friend and you know by now how much I care about you. And don’t get me wrong, I do really like you. People ask me all the time if we’re dating, and I always hate having to say no, but—”
    “Then don’t say no. Brendan, I’ve liked you since the seventh grade. Ask Megan or Mike or anyone. They all know.”
    “So do I. That’s why I shouldn’t have kissed you. I wanted to, trust me on that. I have wanted to kiss you so badly, but it’s wrong for me to do.”
    I paused. “Why?”
    “Because I have no intentions of dating you.” His words were harsh, but his tone was sad and apologetic.
    “You said you like me.” Brendan nodded. “And that you have for a while.” He nodded again. “And you wanted to kiss me, and have for a while. So why don’t you want to date me?”
    He turned toward me and grabbed my other hand, holding them both tightly in his grasp. “Cassi, you have to know it isn’t personal. It’s not that I don’t want to date you. It’s that I can’t. I dated Lisa last year because… she was there. And because I thought you hated me. I didn’t want to date her. I can’t date anyone. I have so many issues—”   
    I cut him off before he could say anything more. “Brendan, come on! For once, don’t use your home life as an excuse! That’s not why you won’t date me and you know it.”
    He paused and bit his lip, knowing how true the words were. He didn’t speak for a minute or two, and I thought he was considering actually dating me. Those hopes were shattered when he opened his mouth. “I… worry… about what Mike, Zach and Austin… and everyone else… will say about you if we date.”
    “People already think we're dating, Brendan. Everyone does. When I tell them we aren’t, they’re shocked. Why would you worry about that? The worst people could say is ‘finally’.”
    Brendan was already shaking his head. “No, Cassi, trust me, you don’t want to date me. You’ll understand eventually. Maybe sooner than you think. Just please, please trust me.” He kissed my hands. They were still in his grasp.
    I was frozen. What does he mean, “sooner than I think”, I wondered. “Brendan… what’s happening that you don’t want me to know about?”
    “Nothing is happening. I just mean… Cassi, I’m not a well-liked kid. Half the kids in this grade hate me. You can’t even deny it. It’s the truth. If you started dating me, they would still think of me as the crazy kid and you would be treated badly because of it. It’s because I care about you so much that I don’t want you to go through that.”
    “Brendan, these people are my friends; they wouldn’t do that to me. And if they did, well, then they weren’t my friends in the first place, huh?”
    “Cassi, it isn’t going to happen. Just let go. You can do so much better than me anyway.”
    “I don’t care!” I halfway shouted. Tears started blurring my vision, partly from pain, and partly from rage. I was angry, but I couldn’t stop hurting, either. Then, remembering we were in the library, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and counted to eleven. I didn’t like even numbers. When I opened my eyes, I was a little calmer. “Brendan,” I started again, my voice quieter and gentler. “You are my best friend, but you also happen to be the kid that I’ve been chasing for the past two school years. If you weren’t my best friend, I’d be taking what you say as face value and dealing with the fact that I’m not going to date you. But you are my best friend, and that’s why I’m going to fight you. Because I know that you want it just as much as I do.”
    “I do want it, for me. I want better for you.”
    “That is a total bullshit excuse, and you know it.”
    “Cassi, you’re my best friend, and I love you. You know I do. So please just trust me when I say it’s not a good choice. It’s not as if I’m saying no to you, and then turning around and dating someone else.”
    “You mean like you did last year? When you said that you liked me and that I’m ‘the first person’ you’d want to date. Then, not even two weeks later, Lisa Danforth is following you around like a puppy.”
    He flinched from the memory and the harsh tone of my voice. I would admit it still to this day that I never fully forgave Lisa or Jessica for that, and I never got over my jealousy of her dating him. “I told you about that, already,” he defended himself.
    “No, I know. I was just providing an example.” I smiled grimly.
    He let go of both of my hands and put one of them under my chin, lifting my face so my eyes met his. I’d been looking away so I didn’t start crying again. “Cassi, please just trust me. I promise that once high school starts, I’ll still be here if you want me. I’m going to Old Colony, but it can still work. And if it didn’t at some point, I could transfer schools. Just… give me until high school. That’s all I ask, is that you give me until high school.”
    Brendan’s eyes looked serious. He wasn’t playing me for a fool and he wasn’t trying to mess with my emotions. He was telling the truth. He just needed time. I had already waited for almost two years; a few months would fly by when I knew what I was getting when they ended. “Okay,” I told him. “But if you go back on me when high school starts, Brendan Allen, I will never talk to you again.”
    “I promise you… I swear it on my heart and soul, I will not do that to you. I will not go back on my word.”
    I nodded, finally entirely calm. “Anything else you want to get out of the way?”
    An odd expression crossed his face. “Yeah, but I’m not sure if it will hurt your feelings.”
    “Haha, that’s never stopped you from telling me something before. Just spit it out, Brendan. I won’t get mad.”
    He sighed. “Can we not tell anyone about this? Like I said, it’s not because I don’t like you. I just… worry.”
    “I understand. Sure, we won’t tell anyone. I can deal with that. I won’t even let it slip to Megan.”
    His eyes narrowed. “Her especially.” Brendan hadn’t ever been fond of Megan, not in the least. “She’ll tell her newest crush of our group, who will, in turn, tell everyone else.”
    Though his words were a bit harsh, they were kind of true. I said nothing, but nodded again. “I won’t tell her anything. Don’t worry.”
    Brendan nodded now and relaxed beside me. He released his grasp on my one hand and sat himself beside me the way we had been before. Instead of sitting awkwardly, he smiled and turned to me. “It’s your turn, Mom.”
    Some memories will make you smile when you relive them. However, in time, all will make you cry. Good memories are always sad to relive. They were a time that made you smile, truly smile, that you can’t get back. This memory always made me cry. Even the next day, as I sat in class, and remembered the fact that I had finally kissed him and still couldn’t have him, tears came to my eyes, but I fought them back. It was the wrong place and the wrong time.
    My room became my asylum. I could cry, scream and break down without anyone else hearing me. It was in a part of the house where no one came, and that’s why I had chosen it. I needed and enjoyed my privacy. In the days after the kiss, I cried. Finally, after a few days, I calmed myself enough.
    The days that followed that… my safe haven disappeared.