Excerpt four

from Jack's Inferno, chapter 2

Burning car fell out of the sky like an act of some lunatic god. Blacked out before I hit the ground. Corpse of the Cadillac exploded on impact. Woke up on fire. Too numb to notice right away, too disoriented to care. I picture myself running around in circles, consumed in flames like a Hollywood stuntman. No one around to appreciate the joke, though. So I ignore the smell of burning flesh and start making my way towards nothing in particular. Walking funeral pyre.

I hear a sudden banging noise behind me. It's coming from the trunk of the car, but louder than before. Kicking and screaming. Fear and fury. I pause for a moment to wonder about the other passengers. The ones that had to fly coach.

With a triumphant crack, the latch gives way and the stowaways manage to escape their flaming tomb…and emerge in Hell. Some people have the worst luck. If Harry Houdini ever lost a wager with the Devil, it probably would have played out about the same way.

They practically rip each other apart trying to be the first one to crawl out. Bruised, burned, and mangled. Already starting to rot.

SIX DEAD BODIES: The number of cadavers you can fit comfortably in the trunk of a Cadillac according to the owner's manual (seven if you have a hacksaw).

Now they're all running around screaming at the top of their useless, dust-filled lungs. Incoherent corpse gibberish. Mostly begging, praying, and cursing. One of them keeps shouting, "Stop the car!" Another one recoils in horror shrieking about a "burning devil." I look around but I don't see anything that fits the description. Then I realize that I'm still smoldering in flames and he's pointing at me. Well that's a relief.

I take a moment to put out the fire like I was brushing lint off of my sleeves. I mutter a few compassionate words of hope ("Shut up, fuckers, I'm not a demon") to the lost and tortured souls newly arisen in the afterlife. Then I shove one of them to the ground for getting too close ("And don't f*****g touch me, either"). I'm surrounded by dead penitents tugging at my sleeves. Weeping. Sniveling. Red tears. Black drool.

Confessions are recited. Promises are made. Bribes are offered. Sure thing, kids. Ten thousand Hail Mary's and you're free to go. Just follow me to my magic spaceship and we'll all take the rainbow bridge up to Heaven. All is forgiven, happy ending, amen.

No dice. Call a tow truck.

If they think that I'm here to save them, then they're in for a world of disappointment. My advice? Find Jesus. Pray for a ride. Bring gas money.

They're still moaning and groveling as I walk away. It's not that I don't want to help--okay, that's part of it. The bottom line is, I got problems of my own.

Reviews

[scatterbrain]

i can't say that i've enjoyed the excerpts, just because they don't tell anything about the story. no character, no setting. it'd be different if you planned this out, and the first excerpt was Jack's descent into Hell (or some sort of anchor for the reader - an event within the story that we could recognize), and then another could be a great descriptive sentence of Hell itself.

as for this excerpt:
what car? when is this car in the story? why should I care about it (whereas, if you used your character (rather than a car), i'd have reason to care about the sentence).

Is this sentence set in Hell, and does Hell have a sky? an atmosphere?

(The) burning car....
or else, I'd be able to do this:

Pink n****e slipped into my mouth like a slice of tangerine.

;)
The pink n****e, the burning car...

despite my dick-ish tone, i am interested in your story. and you. but not in any sort of sexual way... not yet...
ahem...
nevermind.

GO PIRATES!!!

[Michael Carr]

Enjoyed all of these excerpts. Very witty, intelligent, and thoughtful.
four and two are the best in my book. While I enjoyed the third it seemed a bit out of place witht the rest. Didn't have as big an impact of snark or sly humor.
still, this is very nice.

[roarke]

then again, stranger things have happened..... lol. (one's you've already written about)