Steel upon endings

Distance...to far to explain

Steel upon endings

By jack

 

Taken, by fate, to a subway of feelings

Caverns which reap what I call

Beacons of hope at the end often stealing

Fixtures in spite of it all

 

Counting the tracks of a firm destination

Purchasing tickets to share

Fear stands my heart of my own hesitation

Wondering if you are there

 

Whistles a’ call and the watchman he carries

Candles of flickering flame

Dancing like wings on the shoulders of fairies

Illumined this night to remain

 

Standing alone on this platform libation

Drinking the sights I do see

Pacing my walk as my feet they do hasten

Bounding so effortlessly

 

Hearing the rumble of steel upon endings

Narrow the edge where I wait

Moving along with the answers depending

Finding the hour is late

 

Darkness invades past the lights ever keeping

Colors to turn on in time

Riding this train of a heart constant weeping

Until the day you are mine

Author's Note

Thank you for reading

Reviews

[s y e]

A lovely write from you. Flows really well, the rhyming is great, a very interesting write, very much enjoyed!

[Jack...]

Thank you so very much

[s y e]

Anytime :)

[Veronica Chandler]

There is so much I enjoy about this piece; "The subway of feelings" ...The idea of feelings being a subway delights my senses. The way you wrapped it up with,
"Riding this train of a heart constant weeping
Until the day you are mine" is the perfect cap to this emotional and very descriptive write.

[Jack...]

Thanks so much Veronica. Don't know how I missed this review before, but I found it now. I appreciate your sweet words to me.

[Veronica Chandler]

I sincerely enjoy reading your soulful writes.

[KAOlmsted]

Fantastic metaphor...one has to wonder at the Freudian undertones of using the train as vehicle to the ultimate goal "Until the day you are mine" ;-) Or maybe that's just me...I like the rhyme scheme, too, which is a true testament to your talent. Excellent write.

[Jack...]

Thank you Kimmer. I don't know any other way to say it but thank you. Your comments are the highlight of my night

[KAOlmsted]

Ha! Really? That makes me think maybe your nights are pretty damn boring xD

Seriously, though, you know reading your work is such a pleasure for me. Thank you.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

You might be turning me into a "rhyme convert"! Wow...this one was great. At first it took me a few lines to get the beat and tempo, but then I re-read and it was absolutely beautiful. I love the way that you used your rhyme scheme and then set it off by the long and short lines. This is a VERY well constructed piece. Now, that's just the form and style, don't even get me started with the content...wow...this one is really magical, Jack, truthfully.

[Jack...]

Thank you so very much for your kind and flattering words. Yes I do seem to rhyme quite a bit.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

And I like YOUR rhyme!

[J Todd Underhill]

Wow excellently crafted piece, good flow and rhyming and such a great look in to ones longing. this is just screaming to be read aloud... Which I must confide I was doing while at work this afternoon. Great Piece Jack!

[Jack...]

Thank so much. I truly appreciate your kind and flattering words.

[David Scott]

I liked this little ride through your emotions. I really enjoyed the metaphors and i felt the journey of it all. I did not feel like the last line works. She will never be yours if your heart is indeed "constant weeping". That is not attractive nor is it realistic. Yes it is a poetic expression and an exageration, but I believed the poem until then.
Overall, I enjoyed the write Jack.

[Jack...]

Thank you David. I will take your suggestion to heart (when it stops weeping) and see what I can do to make it more believable.

[David Scott]

Ha! ;) I can get you a tissue.

[Jack...]

Thanks, sniff...sniff...I could use one.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Jack

Sometimes, I will read anything, poems in particular, where the langauage is so loose, the use of English so poor and the meaning so opaque, that no matter how many times I do my best to read it, every time I get lost and precisely nowhere.

This, of yours, I now have read over and over again and on each read, I notice more and more and pick up things I missed before.

As a reviewer, I always try to be politely constructive and if I find fault, I will say so gently. Where I find something to praise, I will say so too.

I have a tendency then, becasue I often dwell in the world of detail as well as that of standing back and taking an overview - actually seeing the wood rather than just the trees - to be rather less than concise in my reviews.

But if I were to let myself go on this one, my review would extend to so many words that I am not sure the website could accommodate them all.

So I will just say this:

This is a very impressive piece of writing; the delicacy of the vocabulary you use, the imagery of the train journey and the love at the end of the line.

I hate limiting myself to 'I love it' or I 'dislike it.'

But in this case, I can only apologise in advance:

I adore it.

With my thanks and kindest regards

James

[Jack...]

Wow, thank you James. I truly appreciate your kind words. I try to write poetry that paints a whimsical picture in the readers mind yet still remains understandable. I like to create a dance with my words but with easy steps to follow. Love is the key with me, I write from my heart, I can picture the scene as I write and try and present something that will make people feel good about what they read. I don't always accomplish this, but I try. Your kind and flattering words have lifted me this day and brought a smile to my face. Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my work.

Jack

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Jack

Thank you. I am pleased.

As writers, we all need encouragement at times to keep going.

You have deserved mine.

Warm regards as ever

James

[Zap-the-awesome]

I live the way you rhymed that. It seemed different somehow although I can't quite explain it. Amazing work

[Jack...]

Thank you so much.

[MOON]

Lovely write a subway of feelings great imagery. Finding the hour is late... Full of emotion longing and loss.

[Jack...]

Thank you so very much.

[Robbie~xoxo~]

I felt the fear and hesitation of getting on board the train...afraid of the destination, of the end...

"Whistles a’ call and the watchman he carries

Candles of flickering flame

Dancing like wings on the shoulders of fairies

Illumined this night to remain"~ You have weaved a romantic tone into this melancholy piece....Excellent write!

[Jack...]

Thank you so very much for your sweet and kind words.