A Swimmer's Fate: The Life and Legacy of Mike Kane

The full story of swimmer Mike Kane's rise to fame and subsequent downfall when proved guilty of cheating.

Ten years ago, if you were to ask your local teen who Mike Kane was, you would most likely be capable of receiving a description of novel proportions. Fast forward ten years: 2016. Ask a local teen who Mike Kane is and you're more likely to receive a look of confusion or disgust rather a biography. So, how is this possible? How could, in just ten, minuscule years, an aquatic icon become so unknown?

This theory is known as the Peter Richman Effect. The Peter Richman Effect is a theory based on the embarrassing backhand of Peter Richman's swimming career. In 1992, Olympic swimmer Peter Richman was named the highest paid land mammal of the year. In 1993, Peter Richman was charged with lying under oath. On February 12th, 1993, famed conspiracy theorist Howard Rosenberg published an original article to his independent editorial, The Glass Serpent.

In his article, Rosenberg wrote, "It has come to my attention that the organized athletic community, as a sport and as a pastime, is entirely and utterly monetized. While, yes, this is a publicly known and well-accepted fact, I have noticed an absence of discipline amongst the highest paid athletes. An absence of punishment which I have studied and dubbed 'The Peter Richman Effect.' The Peter Richman effect is a basic theory. In 1993, Peter Richman was charged with several felonies and misdemeanors. These included: public urination, puppy theft, kitten theft, fish theft, illegal possession of a firearm, and illegal possession of an exotic animal. What was his legal punishment? Three hours of community service. Why such a lenient punishment? Because, he was worth too much. Peter Richman generated the daily revenue of $1.4 million per cable channel. Eliminating his career entirely would mean a significant drop in revenue generated by broadcast swimming."

The aftermath of the article was career homicide for any sports agent who spoke against Howard Rosenberg's theory. Many believe there was a personal quarrel between Rosenberg and Richman, however, to this day, Rosenberg denies he has ever met Richman. Richman went on to serve twenty years in federal prison after he stated, "I have never, let me be clear, never possessed an exotic animal," moments before four exotic chipmunks fell out of his pant-leg. After this case came to a conclusion, a blatant loss for the athletic community, the N.S.G (The National Guild of Swimmers), was not to be a figure of controversy until the next decade.

Mike Kane got his start in 1995 on a lower scale college's swim team. This quickly changed however, as the college soon noticed Kane's perplexing talent. Kane was offered several scholarships, each offer from a school more prestigious than the last. Kane swam his way through college, becoming a national celebrity in the process. In 1999, when Kane finished his college career, he moved to a small cottage in New Hampshire where he carved wood for a living. Professional organizations and sports critics, as well as dedicated fans, urged Kane to pursue swimming. Kane publicly announced on live television, "I am done swimming. I've had my fun. But it is time to move on," before vanishing from the public for several years.

In 2007, Kane came out of hiding. He appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman. At 30, Kane was sporting a thick beard and unkempt hair, a look the public had never seen on the swimmer. After some friendly banter with Letterman, Kane announced his plans to return to swimming. Kane then formally announced his official affiliation of the upcoming 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.

Audiences were shocked. Newspaper headlines read 'Swimmer Michael Kane to come out of Retirement at age 30.' Journalists craved interviews with Kane. However, after Letterman, Kane returned to his private life until 2008.

When the 2008 Summer Olympics rolled around. Photographers waited patiently to capture Mike Kane in action. Kane arrived to the Olympics, clean shaven, bald, and more wrinkled than audiences were used to. However, it was apparent he had been training. He looked more physically qualified than ever. After predictions of Kane's defeat which circulated the internet like wildfire, Newspaper headlines proved those theories wrong when news of Kane's various Olympic wins made national news.

Officials were quick to claim Kane was of a higher being. Kantianity, a religion claiming Kane was the new world's savior, became popular amongst high school and college swim teams. Some named him the greatest athlete to ever live. And, inevitably, some were not satisfied with Mike Kane's Olympic triumphs.

In late 2009, conspiracy theorist and writer Jack Holly posted to YouTube.com, footage of Kane's 2008 Olympic victory. Holly's video pointed out the odd movement of Kane's legs. "Kane moves almost as if propelled by something inhuman," Holly says in the YouTube video. And, as Holly theorized, they were. After medical professionals were able to prove Mike Kane had placed propelling devices inside of his skin, Kane was forced to forfeit his wins. Kane then returned to his reclusive life of woodworking, never to be heard of again.

However, you can order customized wood furniture from his website: Mikekaneswood.com

When asked about his theory and the truth behind it, Holly simply said, "It's not something that should surprise the public. These things tend to happen when greed overpowers competition. It's just the way people act. Remember the Peter Richman case and Howard Rosenberg's 'Peter Richman Effect?' Well, this is the same thing. Greed. That's all it takes, really."