Advice to Open Mic Readers

Drink a case of Molson Canadian,

slam back a few shots of Jack

and smoke two packs of cigarettes

 

before you take the stage.

Rule out every poem

where the first line is

 

“I love you because” or

“I miss you

and want you back.”

 

Avoid the introductions to the poems.

If the poem has any merit

it should speak for itself.

 

Focus your eyes on the audience.

Stop looking at the ground, goddamnit,

you’re destroying the image of poets worldwide.

 

We’re supposed to be cool.

When I’m rubbing my beard,

it does not itch.

 

I’m doing it

to look as if I’m in the process

of producing something greater than Howl.