Carwash = 1, Heidi = 0

Ever had your a*s handed to you by Mister Carwash?! I have! Nathan purchased this unlimited carwash package for me so I decided to finally take advantage of it. I managed to make it through the endless line, the robot arm scanned the tag on my car and I started to progress forward. I slammed on the breaks. The stop arm wasn’t going up. What the hell? I started to roll down my window and ask the attendant why the stop arm wasn’t going up when the attendant yells at me, “Ma’am! Please just be patient and wait for the stop arm to go up.”

 

“Yeah, I got that! It’s not going up!”

 

“It will. Can you see the line of cars ahead of you? It’s just waiting for some of these people to get through the line before it allows you to move forward.”

 

“Sorry!” (Inside I’m rolling my eyes and kicking my own a*s for overreacting and having like a troll.)

 

One of the carwash techs �"YES that’s what they call themselves - sprays “bug-removing soap” (pretty sure it’s that s****y hand soap we had in elementary school in the restrooms �" its smells the same) on the windshield of my car while two other guys gently remove any stuck on bugs �" or body parts - from the grill and bumper of my car. The guy wielding the soap wand of fun does some fancy hand gesturing (This isn’t a fricken 747 and you’re not an airline stewardess buddy! What?! Is he doing the Macarena dance now!? I can’t tell. My one eyebrow raises up and I’m about to open my window and ask what the flash dancing is all about.) BUT, I finally get the gist of it �" he’s pointing at a sign and making sure I read it -  and move my car’s driver’s side wheel into the slot and put my car in neutral as I enter the carwash.

 

1…2…3…WIDESPREAD PANIC has set in. Let the shitshow begin. Maybe I shouldn’t be in here by myself. Heidi you MORON! You know you’re claustrophobic. OooooooooooohMyGawd! This carwash-of-not-fricken-fun is just going to drag me through and I have no control of the steering wheel or how fast I go!? What if the tenement on wheels in front of me stalls and I run into it?! “Jesus Take the Wheel…Take it From My Hands” �" Carrie is screaming in my head right about now. I slam my foot on the breaks! My hands slam down on the steering wheel! My arms stick straight out. I am as far back in my seat as I can go. (Please Note: I’m still in neutral and moving along at about a ½ a mile an hour.) Quit freaking out. Just take a deep breath and try to relax. (I am not the only one that has entire conversations with myself…).

 

Whew!  I made it through the two big water hose do-dads raining down on me. Um, WHAT is that?! THAT is this giant effing mop splatting itself against the windshield. WHERE IN THE HELL did they get a mop �" SPLAT �" this big?! It’s dragging its sorry carcass across the roof of my car and making a horrendous noise. I can’t see anything! Yes, my eyes ARE open. Okay Heidi DEEP breath. It’s only a carwash. You can do this. Distract yourself woman! I pinch the thin skin under my arm. Ya know the skin your mother dug her fingers into when you were being a little a*****e in church on Sunday mornings in hopes of getting you to pay attention?! Nope. That didn’t work in distracting me.

 

S**T! What is THAT? All I can see is some smurf-colored foam crap dropping in colossal dollops and and two giant swirling mop things coming at me. I’m starting to sweat. That’s a lie. I’m seriously sweating. There is B**B SWEAT people! Yeah, b**b sweat. I’m beyond freaking out right now. My breaths are short and choppy and too fast. My eyes are bugged out. Why is it so fricken hot in here? I yank on my collar only to realize I’m wearing a tank top.  Is the heat on?! Sweat is coming out of EVERY pore that exists. Am I gonna s**t my pants? I wonder if I should’ve told Nathan where I went? What if I get stuck in this car wash and I suffocate in this car? He better not tell anyone about this if I make it home to tell him about it. When the carwash tech finds me slumped behind the wheel in the middle of this carwash pile up, he better relay something better to the newspapers instead of “she freaked the f out and passed out”.

 

Finally, the mops are gone, the smurf stuff is cleaned up and there’s a gentle rain-like waterfall running over the car. Ah tranquility at its finest. I sag with relief. Whoa! What is that smell?! It’s definitely a funk of some sort. Yuck, I am gross. My clothes are actually damp. Oh yeah �" I am pretty sure I just completed the entire Beach Body INSANITY workout inside my car. Then, what sounds like the engines firing up on a jet, start up. Again, I slam backwards into my seat. Why?! I don’t have any fricken clue! Ah, those must be the dryers drying my car. Hurry up already!!!!!! I find myself ducked down inside my car like I’m hiding from something. Again, why?! No idea!

 

Okay. I survived I can do this. I’m almost out of here. Yay, my car is gently spit out of HELL �" the carwash building �" and I’m free to go. I step on the gas. OooooooooooohMyGawd! Why aren’t I moving? (Let’s try stepping on the gas again! I’m still not moving. Did Jeff Gordon’s pit crew race in there and steal my motor while I was distracted by the smurf stuff?) Frantically looking around trying to find a telephone number I can call to see if they can push me out of the way when I notice a sign that says something along the lines of, “HEY DIPSHIT! PUT YOUR CAR IN DRIVE AND MOVE FORWARD.” I guess that would help, huh?!  I put the car and drive, step on the gas, squeal the tires and get the hell out of there. On my way home and out of harms I way I realize two things: 1) I’m batshit crazy. 2) I managed to sweat through my entire outfit in less than two minutes…ya know I know that?! That carwash only takes 2 minutes to get through.

 

Some days ya just gotta roll with the punches!