And the Sports Bra Wins!!

ARM DAY AT THE GYM. Need I say more? Probably not; but I’m still gonna. Since it had been almost a week since my last lifting session, going a little easier on myself WOULD have been a grand idea. But let’s face it; I didn’t get much sleep the last 5 days so I wasn’t functioning on all cylinders yet. I dragged my stank-a*s home from the gym, hollered hello to Uppie and headed for a hot shower. Lifting up my arms (which were on fricken fire and shaking badly) to remove the sweaty bandana and ponytail holder from my curly hair SHOULD have been my first inkling that my night was going to get “better”. Do you think karma would let me by with getting that fricken ponytail holder out of my hair without issues? Hell no. Arms shaking, tugging, sweating, cursing and eyeing the scissors, I thought to myself, “Self! Should I just end it all? Should I just cut this fur off? I am not in the mood to deal with this s**t!” Luck was back on my side �" for now. As I reached for the scissors, the ponytail holder slid free…with a pile of fur attached to it. Oh well. It was out.

 

Now, on to my tank and sports bra. Usually I get them both off in one sweaty, awkward tug. Oh, but that just wasn’t how karma was playing tonight. As I reached about mid-face with the tank and sports bra, the sweaty, stinkin’ mess got stuck on something and now I was trapped breathing in the sweaty, stinkin’ mess with my fricken arms trapped above my head no less. No amount of tugging was getting this damn thing off my head. Let’s add to this! How about I start to freak the *&^% out?!

 

“Holy fricken balls, my arms! I can’t breathe! What is that smell?! OMG �" it’s me! I’m trapped in the sweaty, stinkin’ mess. Am I going to pass out trapped inside my fricken sports bra?! What if I hit my head and there’s blood?! Will Uppie at least throw a shirt on me so my girls aren’t saying hello to the paramedics when they show up?! Oh God! How do I get out of here?! S**t! Balls! D****t! I can just see the headlines. WOMAN TRAPPED IN SPORTS BRA SUFFOCATES! Oh the humanity.”

 

I am beyond rational thinking when Uppie comes sauntering into my closet.

 

“What in the hell are you doing?! I can hear you from my office. Are you trapped in there?!”

 

“Are you fricken kidding me?! Stop talking! Get the fricken scissors and cut this sweaty, stinkin’ mess off me. Hurry up! Why are you not hurrying? Stop laughing! Nathan Thomas this is not funny. Get the damn scissors and get me out of this death trap.”

 

“Ewwwwwwwww. Its all sweaty. Hold still. Quit wiggling around. Stop. I can’t help you if you don’t quit freaking out in there. Babe, you sweat a lot. I don’t think I sweat this much. What were you doing at the gym?”

 

“Thanks for the news brief, Connie *&^%$#@ Chung. I know I sweat. Here’s something new to report. I STINK TOO AND I MIGHT BE HANDING YOU YOUR BALLS IN A DOGGIE BAG IF YOU DON’T GET THIS DAMN THING OFF MY FRICKEN HEAD. Now stop talking and start cutting!”

 

“You don’t have to be so bitchy. I’m just trying to help.”

 

“And why are you still laughing?!”

 

“Oh I see. One of the little hooks from your sports bra is caught in your fur and its holding up the show here. Hold still. I’ll try to get it out.

 

5 HOURS LATER…(okay so it’s like a minute…)

 

“What the hell are you doing up there? Writing a fricken novel? My arms hurt so fricken bad. Hurry up Nathan.”

 

“Would you STOP MOVING!? You squirming round is not helping the sweet bird’s nest mess you’ve got going on up here.

 

“You are taking way too long. Get the damn scissors. Either cut this sports bra and tank off me or shave my head. I don’t care at this point. You have to get me out of here. I can’t handle it anymore. Quit laughing. I’m serious. Hurry up!!!!!!!”

 

A lot of screaming, tons of sweating, a little bit of swearing, one elbow to the face and I was FREE. Uppie dragged that damn thing off my head and I finally let my arms down. Oh, the sweet relief.

 

“Hey, Bride of Frankenstein why is your face so fricken red face?”

 

I picked up the sweaty, stinkin’ mess and chucked it at Uppie’s face. SPLAAAAAAAAAAT! (Even I gagged a little when that hit him. Ha!)

 

“AH! You wretched pig. That was disgusting.”

 

“Thank you for freeing me. Now remove yourself from this closet before I get pissed off and gag you with that sports bra.”

Heidi = 0

Sports Bra = 1