Dear Diary

A collection of stories from a girl's diary.

Monday, June 9, 2014

 

It was hot outside.  The steam rolled off the pavement in waves.  It was one of those days in which adults had short tempers and children acted out just to spite their parents.  My mother was at Boyd’s place for the afternoon just to relax or so she said.  She likes to go barefoot on Boyd’s lawn because it is that perfect, plush, green grass.  Mother was in one of those moods that day and it had obviously been a dreadful day, because she was going on and on and on about how appalling her life was.  As they were walking to the back yard, Boyd points to an enormous, still steaming pile of dog biscuits and says, "Mother, watch your feet.  That is fresh!"  Mother was so busy muttering to herself that she didn't hear her and she stepped right into the beast.  It squished up between her toes and ran over the tops of her feet.  (Did I forget to mention that mother has a slight gag reflex?)  She bent right over, started gagging so hard vomited.  I guess she didn't realize that bending over would put her closer to the offensive mess between her toes.  Still dry heaving and now crying, she gracelessly flopped to the ground. 

 

Boyd bent down next to her to help her back up.  Mother had other ideas.  She grabbed Boyd around the neck, pulled her over to where she was stretched out on the lawn and hollers in her ear, "Ashley Ann (that’s Boyd’s real name) - get a f*cking hose down here right f*cking now!"  Boyd ran back to the house to do my mother’s bidding.  You don’t want to tick my mom off. 

 

What does Boyd bring back?  In her hands is a one gallon pitcher of water that she dumps onto my mom’s feet.  Remember what I just said about making my mom mad?  It was on like Donkey-Kong now. 

 

"Ashley Ann Engle!  I said a hose; not a damn pitcher of water.  Do you honestly think a damn pitcher of water is going to remove this stank a*s mess?  No!  Hell no!  Load my a*s into the back of the Sean’s truck and run me through the car wash.  I’ll lie on my back and put my feet in the air.  Quit laughing.  No I’m not overreacting. I mean it.  Do it.  Now!  Go get the truck!  Ashley Ann!  You stop laughing this very minute.  It is not funny.  It is your fault anyway.  You knew it was there and you did not say anything.”

 

With Sean’s help, they hauled mother back to the side of the house and sprayed her feet off with the garden hose.  She made Sean wrap her feet in towels so she could go in the house and bleach her feet in the tub.  Boyd had a complete s**t fit. 

 

"You are not getting dog poop in my tub!"  Sporting a murderous glare, mother elbowed her way into the house, just about knocking Boyd down the steps on her way inside.

 

My mom doesn’t go barefoot on Boyd’s lawn anymore.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

 

Nathan and I were enjoying a quiet and peaceful evening at home last night. We heard a ruckus outside and before you know it our faces were pressed up against the window glass in fascination as we watched a guy in his mid-fifties chase Jaxxon around the yard. We couldn’t exactly depict what Jaxxon had in his mouth but whatever it was the guy wanted it back. Seeing as how the entire yard was a stinking muddy mess we were positive this pursuit wouldn’t end well…for the guy. Denali was jumping around on the sidelines barking and growling; I believe she was cheering on Jaxxon.

 

Nathan rushed to the front door, almost ripped it off the hinges and hollered, “What the hell is going on?” All three of them stopped dead in their tracks and peered up at Nathan. The guy comes up the steps with his hand out looking for a handshake to start this meeting off on the right foot and starts rambling on about how we need more insurance. Oh GREAT; a door-to-door insurance salesman.

 

“Buddy it looks like YOU’RE the one that needs more insurance seeing as how it’s my 100lb guard dog you’re chasing around the yard.” By this time Jaxxon had dropped what was in his mouth and the guy picked it up out of the mud puddle trying IN VAIN to repair the damage to his little item which happens to be a clipboard with a map of the area on it.

 

“I climbed out of my van and before I knew it your dog was right beside me and tugging on my clipboard. Pretty soon he had it in his mouth and took off across the snow banks and muddy yard. I tried to go after him but wiped out in the mud. Your driveway is a mess.”

 

“One would think the dogs alone would deter strangers from coming into the yard let alone getting out of their vehicles. What can I do for you?” Door-to-door insurance salesman starts telling us how everything we eat and drink is going to give us cancer, is bad for our heart and that we shouldn’t be leaving our family members to pay the price. Jaxxon and Denali were both standing at attention about 6 inches from this guy’s legs clearly bored out of their minds.

 

“Thank you for stopping by today and sorry for all of your troubles. I’m not interested at this time.” Believe it or not Nathan can be very cordial when he wants to be.

 

“Seriously after all that you don’t want to hear any more?” The guy shook his head �" clearly annoyed, turned around and started down the steps but not before he stuffed the clipboard into his jacket. Jaxxon saw this and immediately assumed it was a game of hide and seek. Jaxxon started bouncing up and down in front of the salesman. Nathan hauled a*s out the door, grabbed Jaxxon by his collar and hollered at the salesman to get moving. The guy took flight only to land ONCE AGAIN in another mud puddle just short of his van door. He managed to pick himself off the ground and make his way into his van.

 

When Nathan finally made his way back into the house I asked, “What was that all about?”

 

“Just some guy wanting to sell Jaxxon insurance. Jaxxon wasn’t interested, stole his clipboard and ran off.”