Spiraling Out of Control

A Story by j.anna

true summarized story of my one-sided love

Have you ever had someone ask you the seemingly simple question of, “have you ever been in love before?” Many don’t realize the difficulty the question has attached to it, because, they've never been in love themselves. However, the most difficult scenario is having the person you're in love with to ask you that question.

Just about five years ago, I met a boy. A boy who I would have never guess to have any significant impact on my life. A boy who sat behind me on my first day in my new school. Who I specifically remember to be laughing with his best fried who was sitting next to him. All my insecure eleven year old self could think was, “are they laughing at me?”

At this point in my middle school career, I was friendless and alone. However, this boy didn’t really exist in my life till year two of middle school. I remember when I told him that I had a crush on his best friend. In that moment, all we were was friends. He was my best friend, someone who knew everything about me, someone who I could be myself with, and nobody else. This took a turn at the end of that school year and beginning of the next. Feelings began to develop between the both of us; middle school feelings, little crushes. We liked each other for a while before even dating, and when we did, it was amazing. He gave me my first kiss, and even though it was horrible, it was him…

I broke him not long after. Making up some excuse that I was too “mature” to be with him. When in reality I was too insecure with myself to be with him. This took me some time to realize, but when I finally did, it all made sense. I cried… no, I balled my eyes out when I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. It was so hard to tell the person that I contained so much love for that he was not right for me.

A few months later, we reconnected as “friends.” We both still had those preexisting feelings foreign another. The grew stronger everyday. All though we had these feelings, my insecurities always got the best of me. I couldn't be with him in fear of people taking about me and thinking things about me.

Once we separated into different high schools, things got worse. My feelings began to grow stronger, and I thought his were too. But, maybe the struggle of me not giving myself completely to him was drifting him away. I had too much pride to tell him I loved him back then, and I wish didn’t. During one of our off periods, he found someone. Someone skinnier than me, someone cooler than me, and someone more willingly available than me… That’s when I thought I lost him.

Throughout his relationship, he kept in contact with me ever so often. It was clear he still cared, or maybe he didn’t. I’m still not sure. But, he always had her on display, and I was always on the sidelines. Always there for him to come back to no matter how hard was to see him with her. So much happened between us, that she knew nothing about, which caused me to believe that he did care about her as much as he cares about me.

Damn, was he good liar! I was raised believing that the two main principles to live by in life were respect and honesty, and I’ve prided myself on being that person to give those things. Therefore, I expected nothing less than to receive those things, especially from him.

I once sent him a letter saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I'm done. And I know you probably don't care and are probably gonna find this random and amusing, but I need to get it off my chest. I'm done trying to believe the s**t you tell me. I'm done trying to pretend like I'm alright and I'm not hurting. I'm done feeling like I'm not good enough for you when in all reality, your not good enough for me. I gave you all of me; not necessarily physically, but mentally. Whether you believe it or not, I really am in love with you, but apparently that's not good enough. But I'm not sorry I couldn't be everything you needed or wanted me to be. I have to start excepting who I am and working on me. Because within the last few years I've lost myself trying to find a way to your heart and that's really sad to say. I know that one day you were gonna get bored in your relationship again and come apologizing to me, because that's what fuckboys do; they never truly let you go because they know they'll always have you to fall back on. But I'm sending this message because I just want you to know that I'm no longer that person for you. It's time for me to find someone who knows my worth and appreciates everything I do for them. So this is my final goodbye to you.” But, this wasn't my final goodbye.

Not long after I sent this message, him and his girlfriend broke up by his doing. This lead me to believe that it was because of me. However moths went past and I had heard nothing from him. Silence. Silence was all I heard from him this past July after being him for the first time in months. Silence put me in deep thought two nights later. I decided that if I didn’t ask him this simple question that has been on my mid for years, it would kill me inside. I couldn't live not knowing whether or not he had been lying to me these past couple of years. He answered finally saying that everything he said to me was the truth, and that he meant every word of him wanting to be with me. And I believed him… I believed him when he said he didn’t want to be outwardly with me just yet because of his parents and his need to focus on school… I believed him.

This interaction caused us to talk again, and this time with no distractions, just us. We had our first real date that week, at the movies. I was so nervous I was shaking and my hands were clammy. But I felt that he was nervous too, but now I now he was probably nervous for other reasons that I was. That day we kissed, not a peck like before, a passionate and magical kiss that left butterflies in my stomach, and still to this day makes my heart flutter. I felt like I was floating on air that day. It was as if my life was finally coming together, and my smile would never fade.

As the week went on I heard hideous things about him from one of our mutual close friends. This friend told me that the boy I loved was still talking to his ex-girlfriend. This made my heart sink. I confronted him about these accusations numerous times and he continued to deny them. What reason did I have not to believe? I asked myself if I wanted to believe what he said, so I convinced myself that he was telling the truth. He told me wonderful things, that it was only me… Then the dreaded day came, when my world spiraled out of control.

I will never forget this day. The day that he ignored me, and came up with the excuse that he spent the day working with his mother and could not answer my texts. I blew it off and had a great rest of the day with my girls. I thought nothing of his ghosting that day, not a negative thought popped into my mind that he could be off doing anything other than what he said.

That night, as soon as I walked through the door, my phone blew up with texts from our mutual friend again. He kept typing my name over and over again until I finally answered. He told me something that shocked me. The person I thought was going to be it for me, was with the one person he told me not to worry about, his ex-girlfriend. The entire day, I went on acting as normal, believing his elaborate lies, believing that he was busy helping his mother. When in reality, he was off doing God knows what with the person that he claimed ruined his life! That night I had never felt more hurt in my entire life. I cried my eyes out. He never tried to fight for me… That’s when I knew I never had him like he had me. That’s when I knew he was using my love for his own selfish reasons. That’s when I knew the person I loved, didn't love me back.

Still to this day, I’m shellshocked. And to here about him calling me a mistake to his ex-girlfriend was the icing on top of the cake. Just writing out these things makes my heart scream in pain. How could someone blatantly lie to my face like he did? With no remorse? How could someone have so much disrespect for someone who had nothing but faith and love pouring into them? I’ll never know, because I’m not that person.

The saddest part of this whole story is that I still think about him everyday. And I still get butterflies overtime I think of that kiss. And above all, I know that if he came running back, I’d be there. I’m always there… And that’s what I hate about myself, my willingness to accept people with open arms after all they did was hurt me. I hate that he has this affect on me that I can’t shake off. He’s done the most wicked an incentive things to me, and yet I still see his light. I still see the potential for him to be a great man one day, and the only reasoning I have for that is because I love him, and I remember. I remember the kind boy I met all those years ago, and the kind boy I began to develop feelings for, and the kind boy that I felt that I could spend a lifetime with. I only pray that one day that boy will come back to me, and be who I know he is deep down.

I know that I am not the only one who has felt such anguish in my short life, but many times I still feel alone. No one understands the love I have for this boy, not even him. I just hope that if someone is out there, dealing with a similar situation that you find it in yourself to make better decision than I have. Don’t give all of your trust, love, and respect to someone who clearly deserves it. All that comes out of a one sided love, is a permanently broken heart, and no one to fix it.