Blank

The room was pitch black, no light coming in anywhere, not from the windows that I had boarded up or coming in from underneath the door. There was no lights in the room no TV’s or computers. All that was in the room was myself, Ava Mae. A little twin mattress, and the voices screaming in my head. Go away I would beckon, just leave me alone. A silent tear slid down my unmarked cheek. On the opposite cheek was my birthmark, a long pink line running from my temple down to the corner of my mouth. It had been lighter when I was born, almost invisible. But through each of the 16 years I’ve been alive it has grown darker. And it will continue to grow darker until it’s a thick dark purple color. I used to hide this mark, ashamed of my face, ashamed of how I looked. But all the make up in the world couldn’t help me; everyone’s mouth still dropped open when I walked in to a room.

My birthmark isn’t the only mark on my body; some may not be as visible, hidden by baggy clothes or long sleeve shirts. Covered up by the way I talk or the smile on my face, yes I have many scares, and maybe you cannot see them. Not all scares are external some are on the inside; Tears in your heart, Rips in your stomach, holes in your lung. Pain is killing everything inside of me yet I keep living. No, not by choice because my parents called 911 before I had the chance to die.

The doctors diagnosed me “Suicidal” after pumping my stomach. Of course I was suicidal I though to myself after I had woken up, why else would I have taken the whole bottle of pills. People can be so ignorant, at times. I thought to myself, why does no one have any logic anymore. Not even five minutes after I had awoken the doctors and psychiatrist were already in the room asking me questions, trying to figure out what caused a young girl to try and take her own life. That was one year ago today and I still regret that my parents had found me passed out on the bathroom floor.

2:53am the alarm clock read, I groaned and rolled over. Why wouldn’t they just stop talking? Why couldn’t my brain just stop thinking? Why couldn’t my parents have found me 10 minutes later? These are all questions that go through my mind every night, while I laying in the emptiness of my own room scared of what might be hiding in the dark. My breathing is slow and my eyes are getting heavy, I keeps trying to close them hoping my mind will let me sleep but the voices are still there. When I close her eyes they become louder, they yell at me. They scream you don’t need sleep Ava, you’ve already made it 4 days with out sleep, what’s another day going to do to you. Stay awake Ava don’t fail your self AGAIN. My body wants to hurt it likes to be in pain.

I’m so f*****g tiered of just laying here I want to scream. So I slid my fingers along the side of my bed, passing by book by book until my pointer finger stepped upon the pages of the biggest book I own. Carefully I picked it up making sure nothing would fall out and opened the book. It was so dark in my room that my eyes wouldn’t even adjust so using the sense I could the sense of feel, I stuck my hand inside the cut out pages or my book box, in search for the small piece of metal. I slowly stand up, feeling light headed from lying down for so long and the fact that I hadn’t eaten in almost five days. Touching the wall with my fingertips I stepped one foot in front of the other slowly moving through my small room towards the door. I walked as quietly as possible hoping I wouldn’t wake my sleeping mother. The doorknob didn’t even click when I twisted it and pulled the door open. I should be a magician if I do say so myself. Opening the door as little as possible I slipped out into the openness of the hallway. Trying to calm my breathing I tip toed into the bathroom. One, two, three, four five sixseven. I’m finally inside the little bathroom and it’s almost as dark as my room. I flipped on the light slowly closed the door then locked it with a click. Standing there frozen I slowly put my ear to the door and listened for any sign of movement and praying that I hadn’t awoken my mom. My ideal night was definitely not explaining to her why I was in the bathroom when I should be in bed. I couldn’t hear anything so I knew I was in the clear. A small Breath escaped my fine lips. I hadn’t realized that I was holding my breath until now.

Already tired from just walking to the bathroom I slid down the wall and sat on the floor. Why is my razor so cold, I thought while holding it tightly in my palm. What’s wrong with me? Was the next thing I wondered before pulling up my pajama shirts sleeve and taking the sharp razor to my left wrist. Cold bright red blood was running down my arm and the pain from the cut made me feel more alive than ever. F**k I screamed in my brain, which would have been out loud, if I hadn’t covered my own mouth with my hand. This multi personality thing could come in handy sometimes. I grabbed toilet paper as fast as I could and managed to catch the drop of blood only a few inches before it hit the white linoleum floor. I should have put the f*****g toilet paper down before I cut. I’ve done this so many times before I don’t know how I could forget. I switched the sink on not caring if my mom heard me anymore. The water was heating up as I flushed my bloody toilet paper. The sink water was pink mixed with the blood from my cut the color over whelmed me with joy and excitement. It had been way to long since I had last done this; I almost forgot what it felt like.

I knew there had to be Band-Aids in my bathroom somewhere, I mean I have little sisters they could fall and get skin their knees. I found them under the sink. There weren’t any normal band-aids and for that I was sort of happy because hello kitty Band-Aids made everything a whole hell of a lot better. I put them over my freshly cut arm and hoped the blood had stopped flowing enough that it wouldn’t bleed though. As I bent down to pick up my razor off the cold white ground my back ached with pain and sorrow. Why did I have to be such a young girl trapped in this old woman’s body? I turned the light off before I opened the door so I didn’t let light escape into the open hallways. The same way I tip toed in to the bathroom I tip toed back to my bed hoping that the voices may let me have at least one hour of sleep.

4:12am, I have to be up and in the shower in less then two hours. Can I please sleep?I asked myself hoping silence would be my answer. And it was. As soon as my head hit the pillow I drifted into a deep sleep. A sleep to deep for dreams even though dreamland is what I want.

BEEP BEEP BEEP. Ugh the noise of the devil. It takes everything I have to push myself out of bed but I do. And now I’m outside in the cold morning air running and running away from my thoughts away from my problems. When I’m running it’s the only time I’m actually free of everything bad in my life. I’m on the bike path near my house, the wind whips my face and my pours tingle as they numb. My eyes fill with water, and it threatens to spill over but nothing can stop me now. I’m lost in myself in my thoughts. I’m lost in the person I used to be not the person I am now. I see someone coming towards me they’re small but they’re there. I can tell there not running because I’m covering ground so much faster then they are, my legs swing fast taking long easy steps. My feet hit the ground fast but not hard, this maybe because of my weight or because I’ve been sneaking around for years either way it making things nice. I don’t steady rhythms so not hearing my feet hit the ground keeps my running helps me escape. The tears spill over and I go to whip them away right when I feel the wind being knocked out of me. The next thing I remember is having someone’s arms around my back, I could feel the heat going through my sweater and through my shirt on to the thin white skin of my back. The arms were still around me holding me up making sure that I was steady.            

            “I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” He was asking me but I wasn’t completely in reality yet. I was still partly in the little world I escape to when I run.

            “I’m, I’m yeah I’m alright. Are uhm are you okay?” I was mumbling it made me embarrassed so I looked away from him.

            “Yeah I’m fine, I was more worried about you. You’re a little tiny thing you know that. I didn’t even see you running there I was to in to my music.”

            “I’m really not that little, and I don’t even know you. I don’t think it’s very polite of you to say something like that to someone you don’t even know.”

            “My name is Quinn. What’s yours?”

            “I’m Ava.” I told him.

            “Well hello Miss Ava. Since we know each other now, I think it would be alright if I told you that you are a little tiny thing”

            “You’re a very rude boy Quinn.” I smiled at him. My heart was beating faster then It had in a long time, and my breathing felt different then normal. It was easier and harder at the same time. And right then right when I’m actually happy they’re back tearing me down ripping away my happiness. He would never like you Ava. You’re to fat. You’re too ugly. He’s just trying to be nice; he really just wishes you would walk away so he never had to see your ugly face again. They’re screaming at me and I just wish that they would stop. I must have shown the pain on my face because Quinn’s smile quickly faded. I turned away so he couldn’t see the pain in my eyes. I didn’t want him to be able to read me like an open book. He placed his hand on my shoulder lightly. He was quiet for a while and then he whispered.

            “I’m sorry if I offended you. I think your really pretty Ava. I’m sorry I’m new in town I don’t really know how things work here.” His voice was so quiet I could barely make out the words he was saying. The voices in my head were yelling but his whisper spoke over them, I slowly turned around to face him.

            “It’s okay.” I said. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I have to go now maybe I’ll see you around” I turned back towards my house and started running home. I was gone as fast as I could the distance muffled sound but I thought I might have heard him say goodbye. I ran as fast as I could faster then I had ever run before. I was out of breath when I reach my front porch. Gasping for breath as I pushed open the door letting the screen door slam shut behind me. My mom is in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee; the warmth inside was such a big change from the 30-degree weather I had just been running in.

            “Are you alright honey?” My mom asked me. “You look kind of pale.”

“It’s winter mom.” I replied. “I don’t have a tan. Yeah I’m fine, I need a shower see you in a bit.” I waited for her to say something but she didn’t so I quickly walked down the hall and into the bathroom. I hadn’t been in her since I had cut last night and I’m hoping neither has my mom. For the first thing I see when I step in the door is one little drop of blood on the sink. I quickly turn on the water and scrub it off, clean and white like there was never any blood there. 

I turned the shower on all the way hot, the hotter the water the easier to escape, even if that meant getting burnt. I stood in the bathroom staring down my reflection just waiting for the mirrors to steam up enough so I could take off my clothes with out seeing my horrid body. My nose is too large and my lips to small. I hate the green color of my eyes, and my hair looks like a mess. Why can’t I be normal and well put together like all those other girls, I guess that just wouldn’t be very fun now would it? The mirror slowly started fogging up and I was slowly disappearing, the same way the old me had disappeared years ago. I couldn’t see myself anymore but I still knew where all my imperfects would be if the mirror was clear. I slowly took off my sweater and my pants, then my shirt and my panties. As soon as I could I jumped into the shower and indulging myself in the steaming hot water. The water stung my arms and it made me shiver. I stood there for a while head back arms wrapped around my body not wanting to be exposed even in the shower. I grab the shampoo off the windowsill and pour the cold substance into my open palm. My hands are disgusting, my fingers are crooked and the knuckles stick out in weird direction. I stop staring at my hands and massage the shampoo into my scalp until my hair is covered with a soapy mess. I rinse the shampoo out of my hair and step out of the shower without even thinking about shaving my legs. I pull my towel around me its rough and scratches my back. I hear water dripping onto the floor from my wet hair; I just stand there listening to the steady noise. Drip, drip, drip. Why did this have to happen to me? Why me? Part of my brain is wondering off while the other part is still here listening to the water dripping from my hair. Why does everything have to be so confusing? Why can’t I just go eat a bunch of cookies and brownies and be okay with who I am? Why can’t I just be happy?Bang, bang, bang.

“Ava the waters off, what are you still doing in the bathroom?” “Ava what’s going on in there?” “Ava Mae open this door right now.” My mother is yelling at me from outside the bathroom. I know I should let her in but I only have half a brain right now and the other half doesn’t seem to want to come back. Open the door Ava, Open it now you don’t want to ruin everything you don’t want to get caught you don’t want to fail. The Voiced are back they’re yelling she’s yelling I can’t take this. The mirrors are clearing and I’m still standing here in my towel I want to move I want to leave this room but I can’t process what’s going on. I want away from the voices as far away as I can go but on the other hand I don’t want to see my mom. As fast as I can blink I was on the ground back pressed against the cold white wall holding the towel around me with one hand. I held my eyes as tightly closed as I could and tried to cover both ears with one hand, I was rocking. Back and forth, back and forth. Stay clam Ava stay calm. I could still here my mom outside the door.

“Ava are you okay?” “Open up Ava.” She was screaming. Screaming like she was worried not like she cared. That was because she doesn’t care. She doesn’t actually care about me or what I’m doing in this bathroom right now. All she cares about is herself. Herself and not seeming like an unfit mother. Even though she was very unfit, She’s the one who pushed me to this she’s the one who used to tell me how fat I was and that I didn’t need to eat anymore that I’d had enough. ‘Don’t you think that’s enough food Ava.’ ‘Ava Mae how much more are you going to eat.’ Just shut up just shut the hell up I wanted to scream at all of it at everything. At my mom, at the voices, at my memories, at the water dripping from my hair, at myself.

I don’t know how long I’d been out. All I know is that right now in this very moment everything is quiet and I’m alone. I open my eyes and see an unfamiliar room. This isn’t the bathroom where I was sitting, in what felt like only moments before. I look down at my arm an IV. Dear lord this is a hospital. A f*****g hospital. What happened back there in the bathroom? I think to myself as my mom walks in the door.

“Oh Ava, good you’re awake.” She was talking but I was only half listening. “How are you feeling?” I didn’t answer her I just sat there. Who cares how I’m feeling who cares that I’m awake all I can Think about right now is that I know I’m going to be sent back to that wack house, otherwise known as the psych ward.