Santa the Fat F**k

My poor attempt at a micro story back in 2010. Bear in mind I'm pretty bad at short stories.

Santa was stuck in my chimney; I saw it with my own eyes. Realistically, I knew that fat f**k would never make it down. And I know what you’re thinking �"  all those cookies and milk. Well, that’s why I wasn’t going to contribute to his bad diet and obese figure, and left carrot and celery sticks, as well as low fat soy milk. If he doesn’t like it, he can piss off.

Well now, here he was, dangling those legs in mid air, lodged up there, moaning and groaning. I sat there, not thinking how to get him out, but perplexed how he let himself get this big. I mean clearly his size must have been a hazard to his job, an obstacle too. And how long had he been alive anyway? Was this the one and only Saint Nicolas, or had there been generations of them? I mean, could this man really have lived this long and not suffered a heart attack yet and died? Maybe he wasn’t even human. But then why would he have chosen such a fat human form to live in?... so many unanswered questions, so I decided to go off to my desk, take out a pad and paper and ponder them further. He wriggled and moaned a little louder. ‘Soosh’, I told him. This wasn’t the least bit my problem. He should have thought about that diet of his before ending up in this predicament. Besides, I couldn’t have been the only chimney he’d gotten stuck in. Our chimney was the standard size, so this must have been a common occurrence for him. Surely then the reindeers or the North Pole people must know what to do.

I grabbed the plate of carrot and celery sticks and began munching on one as I started to walk off to my room. It looked like he was going to be up there for a very long time, and there was simply no point in letting the food go to waste. 

Reviews

[WillGrant]

Lol. Seemed like a good go at it to me. I don't think anyone is really good at short stories. But we try. Thanks for sharing :)

[Bela]

Thanks. I was even more s**t at any thing longer than that, like my short stories. I wouldn't dare to attempt a novel, I simply haven't got the patience and drive to become better at those types of writing.