In the Grand Scheme of Things

I can’t connect the constellations anymore. Everything’s too blurry for me to remember.

I can’t match the constellations anymore. It makes me tired and nostalgic for a home I never had. Suddenly the pattern in the stars didn’t make sense. I didn’t make sense. She didn’t make sense. Life started to feel like a watered down memory, something on the tip of my tongue but not quite within reach. I couldn’t remember what I had said, what I had meant to say, and often, I just decided not to speak at all.

I tried�"and keep trying�"to pinpoint the specific moment that everything stopped making sense, started getting hazy and blurred around the edges like I was spinning too fast and the world couldn’t catch up. I tried to remember when I realized that I was this bad, but truth be told, I can’t remember having any clarity after you left. You were there and then you weren’t, and when you left, I couldn’t find the logical explanation of anything anymore. I couldn’t make sense of why God did this to me when I was so good to you, I couldn’t make sense of why I couldn’t make myself love her the way I loved you, I couldn’t make sense of the way the pain never truly left even though everyone swore that it would surely pass with time. I still can’t�"I still can’t find the reason.

When people swore the pain would pass, I believed them. I felt like everyone had betrayed me with empty promises.

I don’t know why I did that, either. I was so desperate. Truthfully, I still am. I wanted people to be right. I wanted the burning ache to fade into a dull throb, something that wasn’t always there. But it’s always f*****g there.

The stars didn’t make sense anymore and I didn’t understand how that could be. I spent countless nights remembering the constellations so I didn’t have to ask you which one was which or so I didn’t point to a star that was simply just there, meaningless, and ask which constellation it belonged to just to have you say it didn’t belong to anything at all. Sometimes I felt like those stars�"the ones that didn’t belong to anything, just there to fill the space on the vast canvas of endlessness. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t matter as much as I feel like I do. In the grand scheme of things, neither did you. The only person, thing, place you ever mattered to was me. In the grand scheme of things, we were nothing. We passed the time together, wasted a little more time, and we stopped caring because a hundred years from now, we wouldn’t even be remembered.

Oh god.

Nothing makes sense without you and faraway, I remember that everything made sense when you were around.

I try so hard to make myself love her because I know that I can’t spend the rest of my life mourning over you; wishing that when I looked at the stars, I’d hear your voice in my ear as you helped me trace the existence of another constellation. The ache in my chest won’t leave, though, Ray. You’re still in my veins. You were a part of me, the best part of me, and I still feel your existence in my chest, constricting around my ribcage so tightly that I can’t breathe properly and every heartbeat hurts. I can feel my ribs cracking under the pressure of your grip and I want the fist in my thoracic cavity to let go.

I never thought I would say this, I truly didn’t, but I want you to let go so I can. I keep feeling your fingers in between my ribs and I can’t keep doing this. The stars don’t make sense, she doesn’t make sense. You don’t make sense. Please let me go. Please let me go. I feel like someone unraveled every thread that held me together and now I can’t find all the pieces. I’m trying to put myself back together but you took too much of me. Why won’t you let me go? Why won’t you give it back to me so I can breathe?

In the grand scheme of things, I buried you under the stars six years ago and you’re still inside of me.

Reviews

[Zanne]

Wow, very emotional story about a lost loved one. It's really well written and I must admit I loved the line
" I feel like someone unraveled every thread that held me together and now I can’t find all the pieces. "