depression narrative

an illness narrative is a narrative in which a person expresses their experiences dealing with an illness or disease so that others may understand

Depression is an unwelcome houseguest. An uninvited intruder who has slowly and secretly stolen his way into the home that is your body, and your life. You stop inviting people over, and even when the doorbell rings, you stop letting them in, because you have an unwelcome guest. And these people, these family and friends, they have such fond memories of you, so much love for you. And you don’t want to see them. Because of your unasked for roommate.

Because when you have depression you blame yourself for having a roommate. For having this extra baggage that clutters the hallways and stops people from being welcomed in; because you don’t want them to see what a mess your home is. Because you look in the mirror and see your depression and yourself as one. And it hurts so much. To feel like you are disappointing everyone around you.

And that is depression, when you like people’s memories of you more than you like yourself. So you stop going out, you stop seeing friends. You stop leaving your bed. You lie there and you wish that you could go back and change so many things. You lay there and wallow in your remorse as regret eats you from the inside, yet another unwelcome guest in the consecrated temple that once was your body, a thing that seems to barely belong to you any more. And you silently scream for help, as your cries are lost in the mounds of trash blocking your front door. And you scream until your roommate wraps his hands around your throat and steals the breath from your lungs. And you scream to yourself, until the only one left is your roommate. And your house belongs to him.