Coming To Terms

Sometimes admitting the mistakes one has made in life can breed frustration and inner angst.This story is about a man who confronts a demon from his past and how it affected him for many, many years

Coming To Terms

Daniel Fitch sat in the dark, in his bedroom with his head in his hands, left leg trembling uncontrollably. He was confused and troubled. It was so difficult for him to know what to do next, and he was doing his best in fooling himself into feeling calm. After some time, he rose, went to the window, and peered out at the brightly lit street, at the passing cars and the occasional occurrence"a squirrel climbing a tree, a car pulling out of a driveway. But watching the goings-on did not provide the distraction that he had hoped. His mind was behaving of its own accord, his thoughts were controlling him, and he felt completely at their mercy; never before in his life had he felt the way he felt right now…his emotions seemed impossible to harness, but he could feel their genuineness and so he was compelled to follow them.

Half an hour passed before he left the window and walked down to his daughter Haley’s room where he found her curled up on her bed, peacefully slumbering. He walked in, and careful not to wake her, quietly paced the room for a few minutes before he sat down at her work desk. He wrote a note explaining that he was going to be going, told her how much he loved her, and told her not to try and contact him, that he would get in touch with her very shortly. Upon finishing the note, he went over to the side of the bed, kissed her gently on the forehead, and left the note on her nightstand. It was time for him to leave this house. He left his daughter’s room, and went back to his own. He quickly gathered some clothes, a pair of shoes, and his toothbrush, went downstairs, walked through the front door, got into his car, and drove off. Daniel would not be seeing his family, or his home, for a long time after tonight. The choice had been made"the choice to leave a life he could no longer possibly live"a life that had been killing him for so long.

When a man makes the kind of decision that forever alters his future and the course of his life, a certain personal vindication grabs hold of him"he comes to terms with all of the bad decisions he’s ever made, with the times in his life when he felt lost and unyieldingly frustrated, with all of the times he had been wronged, or betrayed, or lied to, or treated poorly by those close to him"and especially with all of the times that he reciprocated any malice. This man finally recognizes the errors from his past, treats them as poisons and makes a conscious decision to eradicate them and flush them out forever from his present and from his future. A new man takes over. Physically identical and identifiable, this man only bears a superficial resemblance to his former self, but an internal overhaul takes place, born from mentally taxing periods of intense introspection and reflection. The decision should never be made lightly, and all possible options and outcomes should be weighed, because there can be no worse a feeling than that of permanent regret. Men who regret such powerful decisions often times never recover"from then on they constantly question themselves and doubt their ability to choose what is right from what is wrong. Their moral compass gets thrown completely out of whack, and they lose direction and the ability to stand for something. And a man without conviction is a troubled man indeed. But Daniel was no longer such a man. One might make the assertion that someone who leaves his daughter in the middle of the night has no right to call himself a man, rather a despicable degenerate running away from his responsibilities. But Daniel was not such a man. His decision was not made in haste, and it was certainly not his daughter that he was leaving. If everything were to go to plan, in fact, his daughter would be reuniting with him in a few short weeks. No, it was the unbearable digression on which he had found himself on over the past ten years with his wife. Daniel feared that any more time spent in that life with her would be an irreversible detriment to his psyche. He had endured long enough. The breaking point had been breached and there wasn’t going to be any turning back.

As Daniel made his way to the car, he looked up at the house that he had built, the house in which he had, together with his wife, raised a daughter. While there were certainly some fond memories made there, he would no longer look at it as home. His future had no room for this place, and it would serve, in his memory, as a symbol of that which needed to be shed in order to move on.

And so, Daniel drove. His initial instinct was to go to his brother’s house, but then he thought better of that idea-- that perhaps the best thing to do now would be to just continue driving without a destination. He would stop eventually, but there was no reason for that tonight. That night was about liberation and Daniel did not want to feel any pressure of having to explain his choice, did not want to have any conversations with anybody; he needed to be by himself. His heart had already been working overtime that day. His mind needed a break too.

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Eleven years ago Daniel, for the first time in his life, at the age of nineteen, found love. Like many men his age, it happened in a matter of moments. He was walking home from school one day, and passing through the park, he noticed a young woman reading on a blanket, in the shadow of a giant oak tree. He was immediately drawn to her. Without even really thinking about what he was doing, he began walking toward her. The girl’s face was delicate and calm; there was a certain aura of confidence surrounding her that Daniel was immediately attracted to. And she was undeniably beautiful. Curly locks of thick auburn hair cascaded freely down to her shoulders; her blue eyes, big, bright, and fierce, her lips pursed in concentration upon her reading. There was a caged wildness in those eyes. He had never seen a girl like this before. To Daniel, she was extraordinary, and without having said a word to her, he knew that he had fallen for her"maybe it was not love at first sight, but then, perhaps it was.

So he approached her, and the two of them began talking. Her name was April Shaw, and she, like Daniel, was studying at the university. She was an only child, the daughter of a police sheriff and a journalist and she read every day in the park whenever the weather allowed her to do so. Her voice was smooth and powerful, as if she meant every single thing she said, as if she’d always known what to say in every situation. She was sharp and witty, and it was clear that she was proud of that fact…her mind worked in a way that intrigued Daniel. It was as if he met somebody from some other universe, who knew the same language, but who spoke it in a way that was uniquely magnetizing. There was nothing familiar about this girl. Daniel could not stop looking at or listening to her, nor did he want to.

April felt the same way. She sensed an honesty about him, an earnest joy for life that couldn’t be tampered with. He spoke clearly and took his time, not trying to impress her, but just being himself…a characteristic that was typically absent among the boys April usually encountered.  He made her laugh with ease, unafraid to be silly or embarrassing. At times she found herself laughing without even really knowing why, and not really caring either. She felt comfortable around him from the very beginning. There was something about this boy that made her feel warm. His sincerity was infectious, his voice relaxed and tempered, and April found refuge in his tranquility. He spoke simply, never muddling his thoughts with irrelevant detail. Daniel, charming and vivacious, made quite the impression on April. She didn’t want this to end, and she already knew that she would be devastated if she never saw Daniel again.

The two of them began spending a lot of time with each other after that first evening. After class, on the evenings that Daniel didn’t have to work, they would meet in the park and walk for hours. They talked about many things, from their backgrounds and childhoods to their fears and hobbies. Even though Daniel was far from being a fountain of erudition, April felt challenged by his frankness and willingness to share seemingly private details about his life. But while she admired his honesty, she was also in a way intimidated by it. He told her about his mother’s recent and untimely death, unafraid in telling her how he felt or what he was going through. April was not a dishonest person, but she certainly was not quite as adept at straightforwardness as Daniel was. With him, she started to relax her reservations in talking about things and opening up.

The time that passed in the following months would turn out to be the most fun either of them had had in a very long time. But even more so than it being a pleasant or engaging period of time, it was an important, invaluable one"for both of them. The two of them were in very challenging stages of their lives when they met.

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Daniel’s mother passed away from cancer a month prior. The doctors had said the cancer had gone away over a year ago, but had somehow relapsed, affecting her body exponentially worse than before. Her body was already in such a fragile state that it was impossible for her to combat it a second time. Daniel’s father was destroyed by what happened. He was a retired airplane mechanic, and Daniel’s mother was his world. He was a man who was driven every single day of his life by the love for his wife that enveloped his soul. This love was fantastic and completely defined the way he viewed life. He depended on this love. After her death, the love remained, but the body of the woman he lived to hold had gone. Daniel’s father lost his equilibrium, that which was so constant had disappeared. His father was a good man, a devoted husband, and was anything from a bad father. But when his wife passed away, he became, in his own mind, worthless. Like a sequoia tree crashing down to the dark forest floor, the mind of a man suffering from such a loss decomposes from his depressed thoughts, his soul slowly becomes barren from being hollowed out, and his heart turns numb from the cold nights alone. Needless to say, a rotten, degenerative fate seemed inevitable for Daniel’s father.

Because of all of this, Daniel and his two older brothers began to take care of their father. Being the youngest by a handful of years, Daniel still attended school, but he also had a part time job. His oldest brother Andrew was a high school math teacher and decided to move back home for a while to help out. Daniel’s other brother, Hector, served six years in the military, and was now attending school, in hopes of returning to the military as a higher ranked officer. The three boys got along. They always did. Their mother, from when the boys were very young, instilled in them the importance of being there for one another and emphasized the inherent beauty of being part of a family. For her, trust and honesty were paramount in every relationship. The boys followed their mother’s direction. Now was the time to take what they learned every day from their mother and apply it every day with their father. Aside from going to school and working, Daniel spent much of his time at home during that trying period.

April’s was an altogether different background. She never knew the feeling of sibling love"that super powerful camaraderie that makes having a brother or sister so special. Growing up an only child leaves a girl to her thoughts a lot, and often times no one with whom to share them. Unlike many only children, April was not overly coddled.  And even though she came from a well-to-do family, she was never spoiled. Her parents made sure to make her appreciate all that she had. Shortly after her tenth birthday, however, her parents divorced, leaving April with a lot to handle and understand at such a young age. The years following the split were extremely difficult on her, and she frequently found herself feeling extremely alone and vulnerable, sometimes breaking down if she wasn’t around other people. Her fear of solitude was exacerbated by her insecurities"although always a very pretty girl, she became harshly critical of her physical appearance, especially in the always awkward years leading to, and during high school. This continuous self-criticism and self doubt eventually led April down a troubling path. Her mother, a strict, overworked, and sometimes hyper-critical woman, did her best in raising April by herself. But in the years following the divorce, she struggled with connecting with her daughter on any level. Being quite a successful political journalist, she was rarely at home, and the time she did spend at home with April was usually stressful and fraught with tension, more often than not culminating in a heated spat regarding April’s father and the divorce. Contempt and frustration frequently fueled the arguments.

April’s relationship with her father could really only be described as poor. They saw each other only once a month and he almost always was with a different woman, and April hated him for that"April was not a priority in her father’s new bachelor life. By the time April had turned fourteen years old she was already experimenting with alcohol and was spending a lot of time with the wrong kinds of people. It was a tragic situation of a girl who felt lost not only in the world, but in her own skin, and, sadly, in her own family.

She first started seeing a psychologist shortly after her mother found half a bottle of liquor in her closet. At first April resisted the help under the guise of teenage rebelliousness. But in reality she just had a very tough time understanding why people cared about her life. While it did take a long while for April to make a turn around, progress was eventually made. It was a long process, and her problems were still being mapped out. But, she began to focus more on her schooling, and began to fully realize what a tremendous asset her truly remarkable mind could be. School was where she was finally able to express some of her bottled up thoughts, feelings, and ideas about life in a safe environment surrounded by peers. It turned out she was an absolute force in the classroom. Her teachers would sit, stunned at the way April tackled complicated subject matter with seemingly no effort. There was a wonderful ease with which she extrapolated information, discussed topics and argued her points. Her talents were unparalleled and fellow students lagged behind her in nearly every subject. Naturally, she was moved up into more advanced classes. Teachers liked her, not because she sucked up to them (which she didn’t) but because of the simple fact that they were excited to see a girl who could develop herself and her mind at such a phenomenal rate, and April motivated them because it was so very clear that she enjoyed every minute of her own intellectual progression.

When Daniel and April met it had been years since she had started seeing her psychologist. Very recently, she had broken up with her boyfriend of two years, and was simply spending a lot of time alone, reading and writing, studying and thinking. She had become a girl, through her difficult experiences as an adolescent and young teen, who vowed to herself to never go back to the detrimental lifestyle that had taken quite a sizable toll on her ability to properly interact with people and cultivate healthy relationships. The recent break up was with a boy who she felt strongly about, but they were not on the same wavelength when it came to things that April considered important"the future, setting goals, achieving something worthwhile in life. Also, if she was being honest with herself, April always felt a gap when it came to their intelligence levels, and that was ultimately what she could no longer handle"this intellectual disparity that April felt with most people had become a recurring problem in her life however…one that she could not quite figure out how to (or if she even wanted to) remedy. The real problem was that she had no idea what kind of a man would be right for her.

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Daniel was driving for what seemed like days, trying so hard to keep his mind vacant from thoughts of home. He was tempted more than once to turn around and go back. But he felt that if he did he would never forgive himself, and would just fall right back into that routine which he so thoroughly detested.

The copious amount of hours he was spending on the road forced him to think about a lot of different things"he wondered about his wife who would have recently gotten home from work, and her reaction at the sight of her daughter, crying, holding a note in her hand outlining her father’s domestic defection. She was not a hot-tempered woman, and in fact, since the day they were married, Daniel had never known her to really be anything but apathetic about his life. She was an ideal mother but she was a cold, uncaring spouse. A husband needs his wife to make him feel like a man; make him feel like he’s the only person in the world who can take care of a situation. But in the nearly ten years that they were married, his wife never made him feel that way. He always felt that she considered his masculinity expendable. And she had a particularly callous way of dismissing his efforts, often speaking to him with such cruel and cutting condescension.

A self piteous tear spilled down Daniel’s cheek, which he quickly wiped away with the sleeve of his shirt. He was sick of feeling bad for himself, sick of getting trapped in his own mind, in that state of inner loathing that inevitably brought him back to wondering why he ever got married to her in the first place. But as he sat there, driving down the thruway, struggling through yet another conflict with himself, a smile crept its way onto his face. Here he was, finally getting away from it all, getting ready to delve into a fresh stage of life. For once, none of that other garbage mattered anymore. He was ready to expunge that pain from his life once and for all. He felt hopeful for the first time in a long time"hope had unfortunately become a strange concept to Daniel over the years.  And Daniel’s life, void of optimism, had become stagnant and uninspired…but the turnaround was forthcoming. With newly discovered conviction and a little bit of luck, his life would finally be where he had envisioned it being before the marriage.

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It had been half a year since Daniel and April started dating. They were truly happy together. In those six months, not much had changed in either of their lives. Although Daniel’s father was still in fairly dismal condition, he was slowly becoming very fond of his son’s new girlfriend. Daniel started bringing April around to the house after the first couple of months. Initially, he was a bit apprehensive about introducing the two of them because he was unsure how his father would react to having a female in the house again. It turned out, however, that meeting April was the best thing to happen since his wife’s death.  Following her death, he had taken to not speaking for days at a time, only getting up from his chair to eat or go to the bathroom. Rarely did he leave the house, and when he did it was only to go to the mailbox or pick from his apple trees. His sons took care of the house and made sure that he was properly fed and safe. But their schedules were very busy and they sometimes struggled to find the time (and energy) to simply talk to him and keep him company"something he very much needed in the wake of the loss. April, it turned out, provided this much needed company for which Daniel’s father yearned.
April would stop by with Daniel a couple of evenings out of the week to spend a few hours with Mr. Fitch. He was never keen on opening up to his sons. But with April, he felt comfortable in unburdening some of the antagonizing feelings he was regularly experiencing, because he could sense some weariness and pain in her. This was a man who had, since his wedding day thirty-two years ago, and prior to his wife’s death, never felt vulnerable to the pains of loneliness. When he lost her, he lost a big part of his identity. He sensed in April a soul which had already experienced a lot at a young age, someone who could maybe understand some of his trouble. Of course, April was very much able to empathize with Mr. Fitch’s situation. Much of the past five or six years had passed by in solitude and disaffection for April. She listened to him when he would tell her stories about Mrs. Fitch--not begrudgingly, but with rapt attention and curiosity.

He would recount everything about his wife, from the way she folded blankets to the way she smelled after getting out of the shower. On Saturdays, he said, she would take a bath and listen to The Supremes…it was her end of the week routine. On those nights, he knew not to bother her unless he wanted a sopping wet, soapy pair of pants.

He began telling April about a particular evening when he and his wife were making dinner for the boys. They were making their favorite dish"spaghetti and meatballs. Mr. Fitch had picked up all of the ingredients on the way back home from work, and was washing up before starting to prepare the meal. Mrs. Fitch had already started making the pasta (she was an expert at homemade pasta). He left the bathroom and made his way down through the hallway and into the kitchen. He said that when he stepped into the kitchen, as she looked around at him, he felt himself getting nervous. He could feel himself getting warm and starting to sweat, and he took his time in approaching her. It had been ten years since they were married, and still he sometimes felt like he was back at a high school dance wondering if that girl he liked would want to dance with him. An otherwise stern and demanding man (something to which Daniel could attest); Mr. Fitch was, in that moment, a young boy who was starting to understand the power of love.

April had always loved stories and the importance of meaningful storytelling, but most of all she fell in love with the fondness with which Mr. Fitch spoke about his wife. She wanted that in her life. In fact, she needed that. Mr. Fitch showed her what love was supposed to be like, and what it could do for people. People, he said, take love for granted everyday in every part of the world"poor people and rich people alike. From the day he met Daniel’s mother, to the day she died of cancer, he vowed never to take the love they had together for granted, it was as vital as eating food and drinking water for him. He felt protected in it.

On those evenings Daniel would simply sit and relax and listen. He loved his father, and although he had heard many of his father’s sayings and stories, it was nice to see April appreciate them. And in retelling the stories, in talking about the woman he loved so much, his father had found catharsis and started to come to terms with his loss.

After one such evening, Daniel and April went out to dinner to a restaurant that Mr. Fitch had suggested to the two of them. He and Daniel’s mother went there for every one of their anniversaries. It was a quiet Mexican restaurant in the heart of the city called Casa Negra…a true gem"unassuming and simple but with some of the freshest food around.

The hostess seated them on the upstairs patio which had a stunning view of the park where they had met almost eight months ago. It was the perfect setting for what turned out to be a perfect night. The food was exceptional; the view picturesque as the two of them laughed and talked until the server politely told them closing time was upon them. As they left the restaurant they took a walk to the park and sat on a wooden bench located only a few feet from the oak tree that landmarked the first place that Daniel saw April. As they sat there letting the warm summer air fill their lungs Daniel took April by the hand and looked at her in those eyes and told her, for the first time ever, that he loved her. She hugged him and breathed into his ear and said, with a confidence and a sincerity that scared even her: “I love you too Daniel. I love you so much.”

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Daniel pulled into a parking lot of a hotel near the edge of the state. He had gone about seven hundred miles and was exhausted. After ten hours of driving he felt it was time to get some rest. In the morning he would finish off his trip and send word to Haley. He grabbed what few personal items he had, got a room for the night, went to the room and fell almost immediately asleep. Tomorrow was going to be an important day in his life.
He had a very strange dream about being chased around by clones of himself"they were chasing him through a field, then through a city street. The dream was continuous yet the scenes were constantly morphing and changing the closer his pursuers got to him. They would get very close to grabbing him and then the landscape would change entirely. It felt as if the chase was perpetual with no end in sight.
A booming clap of thunder woke Daniel suddenly the following morning. He got up and took a hot shower. As he was drying off he looked at himself in the mirror. For ten years he was disgusted nearly every time he saw his reflection. He was so ready to finally be able to look at his own eyes and to start the day happily.

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In what was a fairly short span of time, April’s and Daniel’s relationship had gotten very serious. They were in love with one another and their ebullience cast an encouraging shadow upon the struggles that were going on in their lives.

April started spending more time with her mother after sitting with her and telling her how she felt about everything that had happened over the years. She explained her feelings of entrapment in a world where her family was not a priority. She broke down when she expressed her desire to be more of a part of her mother’s life, and how her mother needed to be more of a part of hers"to be curious and ask questions, to learn what her daughter liked and disliked…to be there when she needed her to be. It was a conversation that was long overdue.

Summer vacation was underway and so Daniel was working during the days, leaving his evenings free to spend with April and his father. His father was really coming along phenomenally since April became a part of their lives. Both of Daniel’s brothers were off from school, and so they were around to spend more time at home as well. Weekend barbecues became a regular event that summer. Mr. Fitch could be found grilling his famous chicken kebabs, smiling and laughing with his sons and April. Life’s rough terrain seemed to be smoothing out as the five of them (and occasionally April’s mother) would enjoy the weekends together in the Fitches’ backyard.

But sometimes when things start to turn around in life human imprudence has a way of quashing progress. We have a knack for messing up the parts of our lives that are good for us.

On a balmy Wednesday night in July, April and her mother went out to dinner and a movie together, and so Daniel was left to his own devices. His friend Sal had invited him to go to a house party that a friend of theirs from high school was throwing who lived just a few minutes from Daniel’s house. He liked the idea of catching up with some old friends and relaxing for a few hours.

So he and Sal went over to the party at around eight o’clock. Daniel saw a lot of familiar faces, many people that he hadn’t seen in at least two years. He ended up running into an ex-girlfriend from senior year named Abigail. The relationship hadn’t ended too well, but those times were behind them. They talked for a bit. She was going to school in North Carolina for Marine Biology and enjoying her time there.

Unfortunately for Daniel, there was no avoiding Abigail. He tried shaking her off a couple of times by initiating conversations with friends or going to the bathroom. He even went so far as to flat out tell her that he didn’t want to talk to her anymore. Drunk and obnoxious, she rudely shrugged off his wishes and continued to pester him.

Everybody at the party was drinking beer and Daniel was no exception. He wasn’t one to get drunk often but on special occasions he indulged in the revelry. Later in the night, at about one o’clock in the morning, people were beginning to doze off on chairs and floors…inside the house and out. Daniel and Abigail found themselves talking again on the couch in the family room. Daniel really did not want to talk to her but he was exhausted and drunk, unable to extricate himself from her annoying blathering. She began kissing him and running her hands through his hair. He just lay there stupidly. From that point on his memory was fuzzy, but what he remembered next would turn out to be evidence of one of the worst decisions he’d ever made.

He awoke the next morning to find Abigail’s head on his chest with her bra on the floor next to them. Assuming the worst, and furious with himself for making such a mistake, Daniel immediately pushed her head off and left the house. He had just jeopardized the best thing going on in his life. Guilt and shame welled up inside of him, sure that what had happened was going to infect all that had come from his relationship with April.

His mind was flooded with conflicting solutions"if he was honest with April there was a risk of losing her forever, but if he didn’t tell her he was unsure if he’d be able to continue dating her with those feelings of remorse constantly reminding him of his foolish transgression. Neither option seemed particularly appealing. He wept pathetically as he walked down the street, sick to his stomach about what he had done.

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Before leaving the hotel Daniel wrote a letter in the lobby to his wife.




Dear Abigail,

You’re probably wondering where I am right now. I have travelled a long ways away from home and from you because I have something that I need to do. I will be gone for a couple of weeks after which I will return to the house temporarily to get Haley and collect the rest of my things. I am divorcing you.

Maybe you’ll laugh at me for writing this to you, maybe you think I won’t seriously ever follow through with this plan of mine, but you’re wrong. I’ve never felt surer of anything in the ten years of being with you. You, Abigail, are the sole reason for me doing all of this. I couldn’t stand the thought of waking up to you anymore"the mere mention of it makes my stomach turn.

But after all the years of your cheating (in our own house no less) and lying, the turmoil and hell that you put me through on a daily basis, I finally came to the realization that it was my own fault for ever marrying you. My mistakes led me to where I am today. That night we slept with each other has been playing over and over in my mind the past several months. While Haley was the result of what happened I am positive that no other good came from it. I was stupid and young. Now that I’m older and more worn I finally know what I have to do to make things right again in my life. But as you get older you’re getting worse and worse Abigail…the rottenness cannot be scrubbed away apparently. It seems that indecency is stuck in a rut somewhere down in your soul. I tried to ignore it all and move on and look the other way, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t and I won’t.

So, I guess what I really would like to say is thank you. Thank you for forcing me to come to terms with my life as it has become.

Have Haley ready to go on the 25th of May, if you have any issues with that call my attorney Charlie. I’m sure he would be happy to explain how your lifestyle is a gross and inappropriate example for an innocent ten year old girl. Keep the house. Goodbye Abigail.

 

Daniel

He sealed and stamped it and gave it to the concierge to be mailed immediately.

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Walking through the hallway leading to the front door of Daniel’s house, April was reeling from the news Daniel just gave her. Daniel stood up from the couch and ran after her. “I’ll make this right” he said, grabbing her shoulder. “I screwed up, I know I screwed up. I’ll make this right…”
She stopped and turned to look at him. Without saying a word, sure that she would never see him again, she walked out the door.

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Daniel fidgeted with his keys as he got back into his car in the hotel parking lot. His hands were trembling and his heart was racing. With both hands clenched on the steering wheel Daniel backed up and drove off. He needed to go 5 miles east of the hotel to a suburb of Cleveland to a street called Perry’s Way.
Ten minutes and two wrong turns later Daniel pulled into a quiet driveway. The house, small and beautiful, was set back half a mile from the road tucked at the back of a lush courtyard that was teeming with all kinds of flowers and fruit trees. He pulled in close to the stone path leading to the front doorway but didn’t get out of the car right away. He was collecting his thoughts so that he didn’t make a fool of himself.
After finally deciding to head toward the house he walked ever so slowly and felt the gravel of the pathway grinding beneath his feet.He could feel his pulse in his stomach, pounding against his organs, his heart thumping the sheet of ribcage-- he was surprised it was able to keep it from coming out. Beads of sweat started to tumble down his forehead. Daniel began to wonder if all of this was just a huge mistake brought on by guilt of something that was no longer his business. His heart kept beating faster and faster, pain began to slowly set in and then just as quickly became very sudden"sharp, severe pain that paralyzed him mid-step as he clutched at his chest and fell hard to the ground just a few paces before the steps leading up to the house.  
When he woke up he was in the middle of a hospital room. The TV was just loud enough to be heard and a window was open very slightly to let in the fresh breeze from outside. He opened his eyes and saw April sitting to the left of him looking more beautiful than he ever remembered her.
He spoke first. “April,” he struggled to catch his breath “…I know this must seem like I’m a crazy person. Please, please don’t be mad at me.”
“Mad?” she said, “Daniel I’m not mad. Confused maybe…well definitely confused,” she gasped with a small smile, “but I’m not mad. I’m glad that you’re alright. You had a heart attack in my front lawn for God’s sake…I’m just glad that you’re okay. How do you feel?”
“April, I came to your house. I know that seems like such a strange thing for me to do after all this time, all these years. But I needed to see you and talk to you. There’s been so much on my mind lately. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and what I did to you…what I did to myself, to us, really. I just…”
She stopped him before he could continue. She put her hand on his chest and in that way that only she could ever do, told him to get some rest and relax. “The doctors don’t want you getting worked up and neither do I. We’ll talk soon…when the time is right. I promise.”

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“April…April…?”
“Yes. I’m here. I’m in here Daniel.”
She was in the bathroom getting some paper towels to clean up some water that she had spilled on the floor. “You were asleep for a while” she said as she took her place next to Daniel. “The doctor was just in and he said you’ll have to stay overnight and maybe all of tomorrow too. They don’t want to take any chances.”
Daniel propped himself up on his pillows and looked out the window. He seemed to be focused on something. He was just staring and didn’t say anything for some time. “Well,” he finally muttered after three or four minutes, “I’m thirty years old. I found your address on the internet and I drove 1,000 miles to see my ex-girlfriend from ten years ago, the girl who I cheated on with the current mother of my daughter to apologize and make amends. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in years, I left my wife in the middle of the night, and I just had a heart attack on the front steps of the house of the woman who should have been a part of my life all of this time. Now I’m laid up in a hospital bed with that girl, who just dried up what I hope was water on the floor next to me. You know…it doesn’t sound so crazy when I say it all out loud actually ….” He stole a glance at April to see her reaction. She had her head down but he could see the creases on her cheeks that told him she was smiling, if only slightly. That was what he wanted.
“April, maybe it’s too late, maybe you don’t care anymore…I don’t know, maybe you haven’t even thought about me in the past ten years. I’d like to think you have. But I’ve thought about you so much. I’d wake up and think of you. I’d eat lunch and think of you. Every time I read a book I would wonder if you’d ever read it, what you thought of it. Believe me, if I could go back and change what happened I would have. It was the biggest mistake that I’ve ever made April. My life hasn’t felt right without you in it and I don’t know if I can stand it anymore.”
April looked at Daniel with those eyes that he missed so much. It was like peering into a moonlit jungle in the shadow of heaven"seemingly peaceful but teeming with life and beauty and danger. “Why are you here Daniel? Do you think that my life stopped since we broke up? What am I supposed to make of all of this?”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me right away. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t ever forgive me. But I am so, so sorry for what I did. I make myself sick thinking about all of the time we should have spent together, and the fact that I ruined everything…April I can’t really explain how it makes me feel. If anything I need you to just understand where I’m coming from…these years have been rougher on me than you know.”
April didn’t get upset or yell or make a scene that could have prompted a response from the hospital staff. No, she spoke with the same serenity and ease that made Daniel fall in love with her a decade ago: “I was devastated when you told me what happened that day. When we saw each other last I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to handle it, honestly. But I got over it…I tried so hard to not think about it and after a while it fell from my mind. I moved on. It definitely wasn’t easy on me though Daniel I’m not going to lie to you and say that everything is okay and that I forgive you. Maybe someday I will, I don’t know.”
“Did you ever get married?” he asked.
“I did. I was married for five years to a publisher that I met when I started my internship. His name was Brian...he was a really good guy but things fell apart when my career started taking off and his started to fizzle away. He was a bit older than me and I guess that started to catch up with us after a while. But I’m with someone right now. I don’t know if we’re going to get married, we’re taking it very slowly. Anyway, things aren’t going so well at home I take it?”
He didn’t exactly know why but Daniel knew that he had absolutely no desire to mention Abigail’s name at that moment…to him it would have been tantamount to going back home and giving in. “They never really were.  I can’t remember the last time I was happy to be with her…maybe in the first couple years after Haley was born, but the marriage life support started running out pretty quickly after that. Anyway  we’re getting a divorce, a guy can only go through so much crap. God, April…it’s like I have this feeling of hatred inside me for myself that I can’t get rid of. But this is something that I should have done a long time ago. You know, aside from the almost dying part.”
“Daniel, Daniel, Daniel… as cliché as it sounds, everybody makes mistakes. I understand that. I know you’re sorry for what happened. And I do appreciate you coming all this way to see me. Truthfully, it’s good to see you. I didn’t think I would say those words again. Boy, you’re getting some serious pity points with this heart attack situation, let me tell you.”
Daniel closed his eyes and smiled…that was what he needed to hear. Maybe he wasn’t forgiven, he’d have to work toward that. But he did what he came to do and he felt like a man again. He felt like the man he was going to be. She listened and she talked and she was there for him when she didn’t have to be. Daniel Fitch felt restored.

=====================================================================

April left the hospital later that evening. She and Daniel spent most of the day catching up and talking about different things going on in their lives. April became a successful editor at one of the country’s biggest publishing houses. She sounded really happy, and Daniel was so glad of that. In a way it felt like they never skipped a beat, but in another way it felt like there wasn’t really a reason to see each other after that day. Daniel realized that what was done was done. It wasn’t April that fell apart after that day, it wasn’t April that needed to repair her life. It was just the opposite; Daniel had to put the pieces of his life back together. It would be a lot of work but his will would not wane, a determination to get back on track was reignited inside of him. Maybe they’d meet again somewhere down the road. Maybe not. A part of Daniel hated seeing her go, but it was the time to look ahead and not behind. It took seeing her for perhaps the last time for Daniel to fully come to terms with that. It took a heart attack to help Daniel’s pulse beat with self assurance again.

Author's Note

Do you think Daniel is both "hateable" and "likeable?" Do the characters seem consistent to you? Also, how's the length? thanks

Reviews

[Marie]

I was reluctant to read this story because of its length, but I found it interesting.The characters were nteresting. Daniel seemed "likeable", not "hateable". He just made a mistake. You did a good job, not letting the story have a normal "happy ending," but leaving it open. It is a bit long. For instance, you could cut quite a bit of the third paragaph. Don't say the same thing over again. I automatically proofread pieces, and I found no mistakes in your story except that sometimes quote marks appear where I think you meant to put in other punctuation.

[Steve]

quotations appear where commas were before, slight glitch, hope it doesn't bother anyone