To Learn

A Story by Jules

Not really a story, not really a poem. A thing about stuff...let's call it prose about watching too much tv, k? Yes, lets.

Things to learn from commercials:

If I have shiny, lustrous hair, perfect skin and teeth, smell good both orally and bodily, wear a metric ton of makeup, have silky smooth skin, and have nary a stray hair on my body, I will be blissfully happy and will find the man of my dreams.

When I DO find him, he will alternately shower me with diamonds in the most disgustingly romantic ways possible, and prove himself a moron that I have to babysit and reign in like a hyperactive child on crack when he sees electronics.

My children will either be gratingly cute or such brats that I'll have no recourse but to take a bath or wash my hair with smelly stuff that will transport me to a magical land of flowers and crashing waves.

My laundry detergent will transform my life, and the lives of my family, making us more cheerful and confident.

Cleaning is a life calling, and I should heed it. Else life falls apart.

All animals are sentient, and smarter than me. And you, too.

Cars are essentially sex computers.

If I pay with cash, I cause the earth to jump off its orbit. This is a bad thing as it annoys the throngs of people surrounding me.

Men can easily enlarge their precious peens, and when they do, they are reduced to automatons with SUPER scary blank eyed grins, but all the neighbor women will be jealous.

Fat men are funny and/or sloppy.

Gorgeous men are deep.

Fat women are earth mother types and know everything.

Skinny, gorgeous women are the only people that matter.

Losing weight is no more complicated than finding the right pill to take.

Every movie currently out is fanTASTic and most are number 1, too.

Jeans are the ultimate expression of individuality.

Wait, no, your car is.

Wait, no, it's your phone.

Haircolor?

It's something, and you must find it, to be an individual.

We are all afflicted with mysterious conditions we're not aware of, but all we have to do is visit our doctors and get prescrips for meds that will make us pass out, vomit, leak anally, itch, or never want to have sex again. BUT, we will be cured of the conditions we had that were destroying our lives even though we didn't know it.

Men are fine and dandy with erectile dysfunction, and tend to sing about it when they're alone together.

There's more, but that's all I can stomach right now.

This is why the television has been OFF for so long.