her eyes

in his perspective.

dark streets blinding with the streaks of yellow and red

sitting outside in a dreadful, long night

with no one but a bottle of vodka

a perfect company of bitterness and heat in my throat

felt nothing but my head was with the clouds

and that sudden urge to pee

everything was a blur

but that speckle of blue I see

the moon shining on heavenly deep aquamarine eyes

an enchanting smile

revealing the aggravatingly seductive depth of her dimples

…what an eye-catching beauty

I stare into her eyes as I watch her walk away

as her scarf flows with the rhythm of the wind

with the sound of her heels in harmony with the city noise

pondering whether i’ll see the sight of her dreamy eyes 

…wondering ever again

Author's Note

wrote this for our creative writing class, please tell me what you think and what I can improve!! thank you <33

Reviews

[John Alexander McFadyen]

The first stanza sets the scene well, a sneaky rhyme in stanza two suggests the protagonist moves from his spot to find somewhere to relieve himself. I did find it difficult to envision him heading for a dark corner alighting upon her. Where did she suddenly appear from? Ok then there is the dissonance betwixt the two players; her fortunate, him down on his luck as he fantasises about the beauty he has seen. Perhaps simply a drunken mirage!

[mariposa]

I love your insight!! I appreciate is so much!!

[Kerra]

I think this is wonderful, beautifully written

[Coyote Poetry]

Beautiful story written in the poetry. The eyes. If we look, we can see everything and more. Hello dear mariposa and thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[mariposa]

Thank you!!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome dear mariposa.

[Just Kim]

This is so wonderful, i enjoyed this

[Cherrie]

I love to take a moment and let it unravel, just like you have done here. If you gather a room full of 20 poets and ask for their opinions you will get 22 opinions. Lol, my only suggestion when creating a moment is visualize it, then read your work aloud a couple of times. and tweak the piece till it feels done. I thought you created a detailed filled snapshot, both smooth and enjoyable. I look forward to your next piece.

[Cherrie]

I like how she was willing to smile at him, in a world where people are afraid of even eye contact, you gave this man a connection to humanity.

[mariposa]

Thank you so much!! I will use your suggestion in every piece I'll work on

[Einstein Noodle]

ahahahaha .. Vodka or no .. i guarentee every man alive that loves women .. will have had many of these scenes packed away .. both in and out of reality .. i kept thinking as i read .. that somehow this "drunk" was going to end up driving and killing some young lady .. whew .. so glad for you closing .. rather innocent and harmless this man .. i think you did an excellent job of writing from a man's point of view ...in you note you say "in his perspective" and I am assuming you are a female :) .. its not easy to do .. write from perspectives out of our own boxes .. i think you could not have accomplished it better .. A+ says i! welcome to the Cafe' .. nice to meet you.
E.

[mariposa]

I am a female :)) Thank you so much!! I found it easier to describe a woman than a man that's why I wrote it in his perspective

[Einstein Noodle]

yes .. i knew you are female .. that's why i mentioned how difficult (i think) it is to write from the "other" gender perspective ;) i think you did a great job of it.

[mariposa]

thank you !!!

[Lily Z]

This is great! Wow! :D :D

[mariposa]

Thank you

[jacob erin-cilberto]

she is his fantasy, his love, but she lives in a different world than he.
an untouchable world for him.
reminds me of an old song by the New Colony Six called "Can't you see me cry"---
definitely fits...loving from afar, loving and speaking of the romantic thoughts to a bottle hidden under a tattered coat on a winter's night.

[mariposa]

I appreciate your review, thank you so much!!

[gabby]

franz!! this is such a beautiful piece. i love your imagery, it is a mysterious piece which makes the readers want more. its nice to see it in the eyes of a drunken persona and how they view the woman with such delicate, simple, yet powerful words trough imagery and not in such a vulgar way. proud of you! :)

[Geean]

I really like your use of vivid imageries since it made it very easy for me to visualize the sceneries that you were describing. It was like reading a poem with pictures because of how easy you made it for the audience to picture the sceneries. Overall, great poem.