Off On My Own

New school, new life. I kept repeating those words to myself as I sat in the car ready to enter what would be my home for the next year. My hands were shaking and I could already feel sweat start to arise from my forehead. Great, I would start the first day as a nervous wreck. I definitely didn't need that.

My mother turned the key and shut off the rumbling engine of our car. This car had been with us since a week after I came into the world. Yes, it was fourteen years old and still running. Or I should say, fourteen years old and still taking us to our destinations at a snails pace. I soon felt my mother’s bony hand on mine and that only made things worse. Here I was, mad at her for forcing me to go to boarding school and it’s only because she doesn’t want me to have to take care of her while she grows weaker and weaker. No, she has my deadbeat dad for that. After that thought I quickly looked around, half expecting her to defend him as always or for him to shoot some snarky comment at me. Thankfully I kept those thoughts in my head.

“It’ll be fun. Trust me, I went to a camp for a full summer and I had the best time.” She said this with a half smile. She didn’t have the energy for a full toothy grin, just a sad smile that hung down at the edges implying that she wasn’t fully committed to it. I knew she was trying her best, but for me that just wasn’t good enough.

“Mom. This isn’t summer camp. Your sending me away for a full school year. I will be working my a*s off and at the end of the day I’ll still be at school. I’ll never see you and then before you know it….you’ll be gone.” Uh oh, I said it. Of course I did. I couldn’t believe how ungrateful I was.

Her face said it all. She has hurt. She was also desperate so she wouldn't get mad at me. “Hun, I know you are upset that you have to….well basically live at school but you will have a great time. I promise.” This was said through another attempt at a smile.

“Mom, I’m not upset that I have to go here. I’m mad that you don’t want me with you right now. Especially now!”

“You know your father and I want you there. It’s just….it’s just that it’ll be too hard for you. I don’t want you to see me this way.”

“Mom?” I said this as more of a cry then a question. “You know I could help way more then dad can. I could be there for you. And my school won’t even care if I miss days because they’ll understand.”

What she said next surprised me. I knew that it was the only thing she could say to get me out of the car, but even fully understanding this I hated her for saying it. “This is your school now.”

The next sound I heard was of the passenger car door behind me slamming shut as I stalked away.