A letter to mom

Dealing with self harm is a lot...

Depression

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity or apathy that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being. People with a depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, angry, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, experience relationship difficulties and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present.

 

Bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental disorder with periods of depression and periods of elevated mood. The elevated mood is significant and is known as mania or hypomania, depending on its severity, or whether symptoms of psychosis are present. During mania, an individual behaves or feels abnormally energetic, happy or irritable. Individuals often make poorly thought out decisions with little regard to the consequences. The need for sleep is usually reduced during manic phases. During periods of depression there may be crying, a negative outlook on life, and poor eye contact with others. The risk of suicide among those with the illness is high at greater than 6 percent over 20 years, while self-harm occurs in 30�"40 percent. Other mental health issues such as anxiety disorders and substance use disorder are commonly associated.

 

Honestly, I don’t like having to say this but I won’t be able to show you how I feel unless I tell you.

Every day and every night I am frustrated, annoyed, depressed, anxious, and many more things but it’s so hard to explain.

I am constantly ashamed for crying and being depressed along with knowing I disappoint my parents by them knowing the fact I deal with self-harm.

At night, I can’t sleep because thoughts of ending my life run threw my head, and even if I try to find a person, I have no one to reach out to.

I constantly wonder to myself what death is like, what it is to move on from such terrible pain, frustration, humility, and just be able to be happy once again as I was before.

I am always asked 2 certain questions; “why are you so depressed”, and “what dose cutting solve”?

Whenever I try to explain my reasons for being depressed they seem to never be enough, I seem to never be enough. I constantly feel inadequate. My nose is too big, my grades aren’t high enough, my b***s and butt are too flat, my hair is really greasy and thin, my occasional acne breakouts are ugly, my feet are too big, I am not tall or short enough, all things I am constantly criticized for and there is much more.

I am one to be triggered easily to a point where I can have a break down and just feel completely exposed to every possible trigger there is and cannot function. I am to find my distance and most times that is not respected like how I want it to be, I understand some are worried for my sake but my well being is much more needed to be appreciated and understood.

My main triggers consist of my family and classmates, I have been able to find a way to calm myself but I cannot do when my space is not respected. Music seams to calm me down along with being with those I wish to be with not relationship wise but as companion wise.

I always seem to attach myself to a partner to rely on and I think this comes from being used to being left, I also think this is why I fear change.

 

What is the fear of change?

If we're going to suggest changes, here's my proposal: allagiphobia, from the Greek for "change.". The fear is not of new things, the fear is a change to the status quo. A fear of things getting worse, not a fear of things becoming new. The word for the fear of change is metathesiophobia

 

I think this all started at the age 7 when I was separated from my brother, my home, my friends, my father, my normal life I was so use to and was then all of a sudden gone.

I know this doesn’t really answer why I am depressed but it just is there.

Cutting is a very well-known of self-harm for teens and can be expressed in many ways, my reason, well reasons for cutting was because when I am depressed and am so flabbergasted and cannot explain myself cutting helps me express my pain. Cutting is a second resort; it is for when you are not at the point of wanting to be dead but feel as if you should be punished for feeling this way. Just how a child is punished to get forced out of a bad habit. Cutting is trying to force out all bad thoughts and depression from the mind and body.

I am so exhausted and done with all concept of life, I always feel anxious because I am unsure of what is going on. I have nothing to look forward to anymore in my life.

I am not suicidal nor need your comfort just support