7 years

I was only 7 when my world flipped upside down as i had to make a life changing decision.

When I was 7, my mom brother and I went to my mother’s moms house for Christmas who we never went to see because we always went my dad’s moms. We lived in anchorage Alaska and my grandma lived in deer park Washington which was about an hour from Spokane, my dad was working in Juno back at home so he was going to just meet us there. I was so happy to be with family I hadn’t seen for a while that I didn’t notice anything big but I took note of my parents having arguments which wasn’t normal, I didn’t think much of it though. After new year’s we were supposed to go home but only dad did so I thought we were just going to stay longer witch I was fine with. Until my mom told me that we were going to live with grandma for a while and that she was going to Alaska to get our stuff.  I thought mom was going to come back with everything and dad but that didn’t happen. The day mom came to get my brother and I we drove a very long time across the state to Marysville Washington. In the hotel a man came he was very nice and took us to dinner, my mom seemed to really know this man and that confused me because I didn’t know him but once we got a small rundown apartment and moved in he was around a lot more and him and mom would go out for a long time at night and I would stay and take care of my little brother.

            Everything happened so fast that I didn’t realize what was going on, not till one day when my mom asked me a life changing question, something that split my life in half along with my heart. I remember this moment, we were in the car and I was in the backseat, I don’t remember where we were or where we were going but I know that we were in the car. My mom turned back and looked at me with sadness in her eyes, not tears but complete sadness.

            “Honey, I uh I have a question for you” I was confused why she was stating it but responded with a long and confused response, scared I was in trouble.

            “yeeeaaaaahhhhh?”

            “Do you want to stay with me or dad”, her voice shook.

            “What do you mean?”

            “well a lot is going on and well you get to pick who you are going to stay with for a little.”

            “It’s not, forever is it? And where is brother going?” I was confused and upset I had to pick between my two-favorite people.

            “No, its not forever but your brother will be with dad for a little.”

            What I did next was so stupid, I always got so angry with my brother and I wanted to get away from him but I knew it wasn’t forever so I decided,

            “I want to say with you” I exclaimed.

            “Are you sure? You don’t have to decide right now.”

            “No mom I want to stay with you so you don’t get lonely.”

            This conversation haunts my mind knowing my life could be completely different if I would have changed my mind, maybe ide still see my little brother, maybe ide still see my dad, maybe everything would be okay and I wouldn’t have to be sad about losing people close to me. I’ve never had a close person to me die but losing my brother with pretty much no chance to see him again was pretty close. The day my brother left my mom cried and cried, I didn’t understand because she said it wasn’t forever but I tried to comfort her but I’m not very good at that. As time went on the crying began for me, once I began to miss my brother, the one I wanted away from. I now know that forever wasn’t supposed to be forever, just like how my mom said and just how everything was supposed to be but my dad messed that all up. 2 years passed till I found out my dad wasn’t my real dad and that he had adopted me and that my real dad left before I was born, over time I knew more about what happened. 5 years passed before I knew this and my mother didn’t even tell me directly, she never does, we were at lunch with one of her close friends I grew up with like she was my aunt I wasn’t too close to her but there was still a connection. During this lunch, everything opened up and I was exposed to the truth, the terrible terrible truth.

            The man I grew up calling dad wasn’t my dad, he was my brothers but not mine and he wasn’t even a dad to my brother. See my brother is autistic and so he can’t understand things very well and life is confusing to him so when his dad told him my mom and I had died in a car crash he wouldn’t understand the concept of life and death if he found out it wasn’t true and that we were actually alive and well. My brother is about 10 now and I’m 14 so it’s been 7 years with him gone and 7 years with me dead. And my childhood dad, well he might as well be dead to, dead to me at least. So even if I have a stepdad now who adopted me I still will never have a dad because I don’t know what a dad is, I have never come to have one. No man will ever be enough.