'Matter' 'of' 'time'

I have now passed through the dawn of infinity.

But what is it that is infinite?

Answer- it is obvious.

Like a godlike creature in my left pocket

Answer- it is never known.

And it lives in my left pocket

Like a flying air machine

Or as some would call it- flying rocket.

Reviews

[emmajoy]

It's refreshing to find a poet who goes further because he dares

So many writers (confess I'm one of them) add cliches as if mere gulps when finding an unknown. Whilst far too many spend their time criticising others they haven't a single orginal thought in their bodies! But the adventurer is a language hero in a way.

Not at all sure what it is, but there's an unknown, in this poem - maybe it needs direction.. if only to help the uninitiated!

Wrote too much initially, condensed it badly but now improved. Forgive.

[isus]

I don't know mam, but it was fun to write that poem :D

[AYVID N]

Time is an intriguing and fascinating component of the universe. I appreciate your point much here. The editing part can always be taken care of. Its the creative concept that matters.

[The Ink Chapters]

good work, it may be your writing style but I'm just wondering what "-" symbol really helps in your writing piece. Otherwise very intriguing

[Davidgeo]

"I have now passed through the dawn of the infinity"
It would read better if you omitted the second "the" from that line.

"But what is that is infinite?"
Doesn't make sense. Do you mean 'But what is IT that is infinite?'

I imagine you're trying to impress a knowledge of physics juxtaposed with biology and religion in an abstract poetic way. You failed. Fix the errors and it could be very good.

It saddens me to see so many other reviews leave no constrictive criticism of any kind. They just fawn over things hoping you return the favor. Those types are vampires... they will stunt your growth and suck you dry of any self awareness. Be careful of the extra nice one's on the internet, they are often compensating for or hiding an insidious character trait.

[isus]

Finally one good constructive criticism, i know i suck in english grammar, i appreciate your effort to help. I've noticed that it doesn't make grammatical sense myself but haven't bother to fix it, but now i will. Hope you'll read it.

[Davidgeo]

Usually I get yelled at for leaving comments like that. Who knew most poets were sensitive? Ha...

I was being serious, If and when you do fix this it could be very good.

[isus]

Check it, it's fixed. Thanx, man, on being honest (it's really rare here)

[Davidgeo]

These are just subjective tips, take em or leave em it'll largely be the same.

On the second line, "that is" works better than "that's"

On the 3rd line, add "the" after "is" so it reads "it is the obvious"
And do something similar on the 5th line, "it is the never known"

Gives it more of an abstract quality. But like I said, that was all subjective taste and bullshit like that.


This is a more objective tip...

"like a godlike creature..." is the definition of redundancy and an insult to poetic word economy

"Like a God creature..."
or
"A godlike creature..."

Stating both is just bad writing. (unless you have a something underneath going on I don't know about, my apologies if that's the case)

[isus]

i've just changed that's into that is, other is the same, i like it more this way now. about this 'like a godlike creature'- i like wordplay, nothing much. i was probably high when i wrote it

[Davidgeo]

I'm pretty high suggesting things to you right now.

It's a pretty good poem now.

[Davidgeo]

You write a longer version of it after a few weeks. That seems to help me, to come back to shorter works and expand them with a different frame of mind. You'd be amazed at what you think of your own s**t after a couple months. It's kinda weird actually.

[Davidgeo]

(add the word "should" after the first word of my last comment) don't I look foolish now. ha.. b******s.

[The Ink Chapters]

I know what you mean about the lack of constructive criticism, I have a very patchy short story that if you would review I'd be very happy as you give (somewhat harsh) but needed criticism. Don't be too hard on me if you do look at my page and give it a go as it's the very first thing I've posted but you seem very knowledgeable.

[Tazeen Ahmed]

Wow!
This has such deep meaning!
Yeah, I like the flying rocket.

[isus]

thank you bre

[guy drori]

Well I can definitely say I had an interesting read of this. Liked the way it ended

[isus]

glad you like it man !! peace

[andrew mitchell]

Interesting read not sure on the full meaning but looking at current events in the middle east I sense conflict here

[isus]

well, i have to tell you im not really into that current situation in world warfare, i have overcame that stuff. i was born in croatia in 92 when war was here, now im watching those refugees coming and passing through and i see motives and reall reasons of those situations so i must say: people wants it all

[Frontier]

Yes! The infinite is the obvious!

[WillaDanvers]

Very intriguing and beautiful in its own way :)

[isus]

thanx :)

[Lorne Blaine]

This is intriguing and very nice to read. Really liked it.

[isus]

thank you