Myself

A Story by Stine

Thoughts, memories, frustrations, joys.

I'm not a big fan of writing, but hey, I need to get my thoughts sorted out somewhere right?

Throughout my life so far, I've had many acknowledgments, encouragement, and praise for things that I have achieved; however, with that, I've had my fair share of disappointments, failures, and pain.

Like most teens, I've struggled to find myself and who I really am. I've gone through the usual girl phases: Cute-kiddy girl, tomboy, sporty, fashionista, to normal. By experimenting with the different sides and personalities to myself, I've found that everything that I have listed, is part of me. Whether or not people like the way I am and have changed throughout the years, that's me, and I have no intention of changing myself to fit their liking. The thing about finding yourself is that it's difficult, very difficult. I've lost plenty of friends through all of us finding ourselves, some for the better, some for the worse.

Sure, you may not know me personally and probably won't ever meet me, but the things I've gone through are very similar to almost every other teen out there in the world, no matter where they are. However, I will note that I have gone through a lot of "doo-doo" as I should put it here. Life, death, betrayal, happiness, anger, pain, violence, you name it, I've probably been through it or dealt with it.

I still find it a little silly that I had been wearing a 'fake' personality for such a long time to mask the pain and anxiety I had always felt for years, especially throughout Jr. High and last year. My closest friends never knew, I highly doubt they'll ever know unless they read this, and I would love to apologize for any worries that I had put on them. The reason I had this 'fake' personality for so long was that I had so many things to deal with at one time, much like everyone else; however, I know now that I never needed to put everything onto my shoulders.

Edit: Ah, I might need to mention that I come from a family that traditionally shows very little affection and emotion when it comes to love and approval.
I dealt with an emotionally distressed sister for about 4 years, bearing all the blame even though I never did anything to cause it. I swore to myself that I would never become that way, but in doing so, I hurt myself, mentally. I bore with the yelling, punishment, humiliation from my parents and relatives, all to protect my sister. Even so, she continued to be that way until she finally got the professional help she needed. Things were well for the time being, until a year later, things happened that made her begin hurting herself again.
What did I do?
I snapped. I lost all of my cool, all of the pain that bottled up in me burst open and from yelling and throwing everything out at my sister for all the things I did and bore for her. Everything. My parents came that time, and the began yelling at me again, "Leave her alone she's depressed." "Stop bothering your sister, you're hurting her more."

I thought to myself, "I should just leave. I don't need this family that doesn't even care about me and my feelings." I couldn't stand the fact that they still defended her, who caused all these problems in the family. I don't blame her anymore, I don't blame anyone.

After this event, I hated my family for a year, all throughout 9th grade. My depression was clearly apparent at school as my work ethics and effort fell through a hole. I was no longer the straight A student I was before. Well, I guess 1 B+ made that streak slip a little, but it still hurt my image. Even though I said I didn't really care, like hell I did. I never showed my pain and humiliation in public or even to my family. This is actually the first time I've ever said anything about my failure as a daughter, sister, and student. I lost faith in everything, happiness, trust, love, hope, God, and myself.

Eventually, I picked up the pieces with what was left of myself and started anew. Even though I had felt so alone during that time, I finally realized that my friends were with me all along, as well as my family. I was blind. Blind to everyone that loves me. Just last summer, I realized how wrong I was doing everything, how selfish I was being thinking that I would be able to make everyone happy when I, myself, was never happy. Since then the smile I wear everyday to school, is genuine.

One thing that really changed my life in the most amazing way was my Confirmation Retreat: AIS, 2010. The picture included consists of the mask I used to wear, my renewed identity, love and beauty that I see in everything, and tag that helped me find my way back to myself.