Trick Of The Eye

A one act play I wrote to tease superhero plots by putting teenage superheroes in the spotlight. This was produced by several high schools in Ottawa.

CHARACTERS

DC Cast

Batman, Superman, Poison Ivy, Wonderwoman, Joker

Marvel Cast

Spiderman, Mystique, Captain America, Black Widow, Xavier

 

SCENE 1

(DC stage left, talking among themselves. Marvel stage right doing the same.)

 

POISON IVY: I can't believe that they closed down DC! It was such a great high school! Just because we were becoming a little smaller doesn't mean they should have shut it down.

SUPERMAN: It's kinda sad, ain't it?

POISON IVY: It's not just sad! It's the worst thing that ever could have happened to us. And to mix us with those... Marvel kids!

BATMAN: They aren't the worst. They also couldn't be as bad as some of the people you used to hang out with back at DC.

POISON IVY: Like who?

WONDERWOMAN: He's right. You used to hang out with that nut, Catwoman, before she graduated. And don't even get me started on The Riddler. He creeped me out.

IVY: Well they were better than these people. They may have been a little villainous, but they weren't bad people.

WONDERWOMAN: Of course they were! Catwoman used to steal any of the teachers valuables, and don't get me started on the way the Riddler would talk back to the teachers in class!

BATMAN: We're just gonna have to accept it. Marvel and DC are now one school.

IVY: Well I'm not taking this lying down. I will not associate with those freaks. I mean, look at that one over there! He looks like a spider! And her... Can you be such an obvious s**t?

WONDERWOMAN: You haven't even met them, Poison Ivy!

IVY: I'm gonna dig up some dirt on those ones. Batman! Superman! Let's go to the  cafeteria! I want some salad. Are you gonna come, Wonderwoman?

WONDERWOMAN: No, I have to head to the library. I have to send a couple e-mails.

IVY: Alright, see you later.

BATMAN: See you, Wonder.

SUPERMAN: Do you think these Marvel girls will check me out? (All DC exit.)

MYSTIQUE: Did you see those DC kids? They wouldn't stop looking at us.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You're just being paranoid, Mystique. Relax a little.

MYSTIQUE: No, they were, i swear.

SPIDERMAN: They're new. I can't believe they shut down our schools just to make this place. What're they deciding on for the name?
BLACK WIDOW: I think they decided on Sky High.

SPIDERMAN: Wasn't that a movie?

MYSTIQUE: I don't want to have to deal with these people. We've spent the last seventy years facing off against them, how is it that they suddenly want us all to work with them?

BLACK WIDOW: I'm sure they aren't that bad. The only reason we've had this rivalry going on with them is because it's tradition. The people there aren't anything terrible.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: As long as they don't get in my way! I will fight for justice no matter what! The teachers will not go on work to rule this year!

BLACK WIDOW: Still sour about that, are you?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: They took away my football! Stever Rogers: Captain America! They cheered my name as I stepped back to throw the pigskin! They roared and clapped and screamed my name when I scored a touchdown! I don't want the teachers to deprive them of getting to see me play this year!

MYSTIQUE: Deprive them of seeing you play? Yeah, that had to have been terrible.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: (Wipes a tear from his eye.) Yes. It truly was.

SPIDERMAN: The strike didn't really affect me. I spend most of my time working on school anyways. I'll take a few moments to go webslinging when I need to relax, but I don't do many extra curriculars.

BLACK WIDOW: Well there's gonna be less chance for us to get on any teams this year. Have you seen the new guy from DC, America?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: That Superguy? I'm not worried about him. All muscle. No brains. He won't be a competitor for quarterback. He'll be a lineman. A guy like that, all he does is spend his time saving some girl or another from people. He'll probably spend most of his time talking to people on the sidelines.

MYSTIQUE: I should play football.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You're a girl, Mystique.

MYSTIQUE: I don't have to be.

BLACK WIDOW: How sexist can you be? Just cause she's a girl doesn't mean she shouldn't be allowed to play. This is the twentieth century! Get your head outta that 1940's style of thinking, Captain! Women are equals in today's society!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: That doesn't mean they should be playing on the men's football team, Widow.

BLACK WIDOW: (All Marvel exit, Black Widow lectures Captain America as they leave.) How can you think such primitive things, Rogers! You need to learn some respect for women and those around you. I know you come from a different place altogether, but in this day and age...

(Poison Ivy comes back out.)

POISON IVY: Oh no… I can’t find my earring. Those were mother’s.

MYSTIQUE: (Comes onstage. Calling off stage.) I’ll catch up with you guys soon. I need to go grab something to drink. (Ivy, looking down and walking forward doesn’t notice Mystique and plows right into her. The two tumble on to the ground.)

IVY: You! What’s wrong with you!

MYSTIQUE: Me? You just ran right in to me!

IVY: What!? You’re blaming that on me!? You should’ve moved out of my way! I was looking for my earring!

MYSTIQUE: Maybe you should be looking where you’re going!

IVY: Don’t talk down to me!

MYSTIQUE: Talk down to you? I don’t need to talk down to you. You’re already the equivalent of dirt!

IVY: How dare you insult my powers like that!

MYSTIQUE: Your powers?

IVY: Just because I’m one with nature doesn’t mean that you need to take a stab at that! At least I’m not… not… not… What are your powers?

MYSTIQUE: (Changes into Ivy.) I can shapeshift. It’s better than being able to play with dirt, that’s for sure.

IVY: Why you…

MYSTIQUE: What, are you jealous that I look better than you when I’m pretending to be you?

IVY: You’ll regret treating me like this. (Angrily storms off.)

Mystique: (Changes back into herself.) I’m sure. (Exits)

 

SCENE 2

(In a class. Characters bring on chairs and sit, doing their work. Ivy starts talking to her friends.)

IVY: Did you hear about Mystique? (The group looks at each other and shakes their heads.) I was talking to a couple people, and they told me all about what Mystique used to be like.

BATMAN: Who cares? Just drop it. We have work to do.

SUPERMAN: Mystique? Is she the shape shifter?

IVY: Yeah, that's the one. She's over there.

WONDERWOMAN: (Staring over at Mystique.) I've heard stuff about her too.

IVY: What have you heard?

WONDERWOMAN: I hear that she has blue skin, and that she used to have something going on with a guy called Magneto.

IVY: Not just that. She is the biggest w***e of them all. That girl would date several guys at once... but they would never have any idea! She would pretend to be different girls for each one. She'd tell them a fake name, and then she'd go out with them! Now that's sloppy seconds.

WONDERWOMAN: Serious? That's messed up!

BATMAN: Why are you engaging her, Wonder? She's just gossiping cause she has nothing better to do.

WONDERWOMAN: I'm always down for a little gossip, Bat. So quiet down and do whatever you were doing before, or join in. There's nothing wrong with a little gossip once in a while!

SUPERMAN: That really cute girl is blue?

IVY: That wasn't the point, Super!

SUPERMAN: Uh... Point?

WONDERWOMAN: Oh never mind, you buffoon.

SUPERMAN: That's kinda mean, Wonder. Do you guys know anything about that Black Widow girl? She's super hot.

WONDERWOMAN: Is that all you think about, Super?

IVY: He’s just upset that Lois Lane dumped him.

SUPERMAN: That’s not why!

IVY: You shoulda rescued her!

SUPERMAN: I didn’t even know that Mr. Luthor took her.

BATMAN: You’d think they would think twice before hiring a known mass murderer as a teacher.

SUPERMAN: Well I would’ve saved her had I had any idea of the fact she’d been abducted. I didn’t deserve to be dumped by her. Who’s she been hanging with now?

 BATMAN: Green Lantern.

SUPERMAN: Grrrr. I hate that guy.

WONDERWOMAN: He could step up his style a little bit. Green was so last year.

SUPERMAN: (Quiet for a moment.) I’m gonna go talk to her. (Gets up.)

IVY: What? You can’t talk to her! She’s from Marvel!

SUPERMAN: Who cares? A hot babe is a hot babe. (Walks over to Black Widow.) Hi there. My name is Superman.

BLACK WIDOW: Oh. Um. Well. Uh. Hi there.

SUPERMAN: (Sits down next to Black Widow.) Are you liking the new High School?

BLACK WIDOW: Oh. It’s alright. There’s some weird people from your school who have come along, but otherwise it isn’t so bad.

SUPERMAN: Weird people? Like who?

BLACK WIDOW: Well… Your friend over there, Poison Ivy, she’s… a little creepy.

SUPERMAN: (All Marvel and DC are watching the two talk intently.) Oh, haha, Yeah, Poison Ivy can come across that way, but I try to see the best in people no matter what.

BLACK WIDOW: Oh. That’s really kind of you to do.

SUPERMAN: Well, I’ve been judged in the past and it’s really not fun.

BLACK WIDOW: (Relaxing, starting to flirt some.) Judged for what? Your incredible muscles?

SUPERMAN: Hahaha, yes actually. When I was really little I picked up a car to help a child once, and the kids at my elementary school laughed at me.

BLACK WIDOW: Oh no! Why would they do that? I wouldn’t have laughed at you.

SUPERMAN: I wouldn’t think so. You strike me as a very kind girl.

BLACK WIDOW: Well… I dunno about that. I have a wicked temper. Sometimes I lash out.

SUPERMAN: (Quietly implying things.) Well that’s okay. As long as you do it at the right times.

BLACK WIDOW: (Smiling slyly.) Don’t worry, I always know when to let my aggressive side come out.

SUPERMAN: Listen, the teacher is looking over here, I think he’s gonna get mad if I don’t get back to my seat, but would you like to go out for a coffee today after school and hang out for a bit?

BLACK WIDOW: (Looks over at the Marvel crew, smiling. Looks back at Superman.) I would love to. I’ll meet you in the foyer at the end of school?

SUPERMAN: Sounds great. (Heads back over to his desk. He and Batman props each other. The DC girls sigh in contempt. The Marvel crew start talking.)

SPIDERMAN: Kind of a one track mind that one has, doesn’t he?

MYSTIQUE: Don’t trust that guy. He’s one of them.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: The size of his arms… They almost rival mine!

BLACK WIDOW: I like him.

SPIDERMAN: That’s obvious. (The group goes back to doing their work. Captain America sits flexing his muscles and staring at them, looking upset.)

SCENE 3

(Black Widow is out with Superman. Spiderman and Captain America stand about, talking. Mystique walks up to them angrily.)

MYSTIQUE: It’s that Poison Ivy girl, I tell you!

SPIDERMAN: What? Mystique, what’s wrong?
MYSTIQUE: You didn’t hear about it? Don’t tell me you didn’t hear about it!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hear about what?

MYSTIQUE: There’s a rumour going around that I used to make men take me out on lavish dates by pretending that I was a different girl for each one. I know it was that Poison Ivy girl who started it!

SPIDERMAN: Why would you think that?

MYSTIQUE: I know how those people work. That’s the kind of thing they do. They choose a target and then set out to make their lives miserable! She won’t get away with this! I have an idea.

SPIDERMAN: You know, you should probably make peace with these guys. Black Widow is currently hanging out with one of them.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: They seem pretty nice other than the occasional moment.

MYSTIQUE: I have nothing against the others. It’s that Poison Ivy.

SPIDERMAN: Why are you so certain It was her?

MYSTIQUE: Becauses, she and I don’t get along. But like I said, I have a plan.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Actually you said you have an Idea.

MYSTIQUE: Shut up you idiots! (Storms off. The guys shrug and exit. Wonderwoman and Batman come on stage from the other side.)

BATMAN: I can’t believe that Superman actually got that Girl to go out with him.

WONDERWOMAN: Who cares? He should go for someone who’s actually worth his time.

BATMAN: Who?

WONDERWOMAN: I don’t know. Like Ivy says, those Marvel kids aren’t trustworthy.

BATMAN: I think that maybe Ivy is overreacting to all this Marvel vs. DC stuff.

WONDERWOMAN: No she isn’t. She’s right. We shouldn’t be close to them, we should be making their lives miserable. Superman shouldn’t be going out with the Black Widow.

BATMAN: Can you blame him? She’s super hot.

WONDERWOMAN: Yeah I guess she’s pretty.

BATMAN: That girl is sexy. You don’t even understand.

WONDERWOMAN: Well of course I don’t! But man, that Captain America is pretty cute too.

BATMAN: Oh don’t start!

WONDERWOMAN: Oh, so you’re allowed to talk about how attractive a girl is, but I’m not allowed to say how attractive a guy is?

(Mystique enters, pretending to be Ivy. She walks directly past them without acknowledging them.)

WONDERWOMAN: Ivy!

MYSTIQUE: Oh. You two. What do you want?

BATMAN: What?

MYSTIQUE: What do you mean what? I’m sick of seeing you two all the time. You’re idiots, both of you! You try to pretend you’re such righteous people, but in the end all you are is arrogant. You act like you know everything. Batman, you pretend you don’t care what people think even though your entire life revolves around your image. Wonder, you think you’re so pretty! Well you aren’t! You’re ugly, and by the way, you’ve gained weight. All of us can tell! You’re flabby! I don’t know why I hang out with you guys. I have new friends now. Those Marvel kids, they’re so much better than you. I don’t blame Superman for going out with Black Widow! She looks better than you’ll ever look… Fatty!

(Mystique walks off.)

BATMAN: What was that about!? That was out of the blue.

WONDERWOMAN: How dare she! My figure is ten times nicer than hers will ever be! Just because she’s a vegetarian she thinks she can say I’m fat! I’m gonna tell her off so bad!

BATMAN: Why would she do that!

(Poison Ivy walks on, clueless about what just happened.)

IVY: Hey guys, what’s up?

BATMAN: You think you can just calmly walk back here and pretend nothing is wrong?

WONDERWOMAN: Yeah!

BATMAN: Why would you say all of that to us?

WONDERWOMAN: I’m not fat!

IVY: What? I know you aren’t fat.

WONDERWOMAN: Oh yeah!? Well a second ago you sure thought I was! Well guess what, Ivy! You’re flabby! Go eat your beans and sprouts! Doesn’t matter how little calories you eat, you’ll never be pretty! I haven’t gained weight, you have! So screw off… FATTY! (Wonderwoman runs off crying. Batman shakes his head at Poison Ivy and follows Wonderwoman.)

IVY: What… (Mystique, Spiderman and Captain America walk by. Mystique smiles and waves at Poison Ivy as they go by. Poison Ivy puts things together.) She didn’t! Oh my God! She’s taken things too far! Oh, but I’ll get her back. No worries about that. She’s gonna hurt me and my friends? I’ll hurt hers!

(Poison Ivy runs off. Captain America walks on his own. Poison Ivy comes in after him.)
IVY: Hello there, Captain.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh hello Poison Ivy. How are you? What can I do for you?

IVY: I just want one thing. (Walks up to Captain America and kisses him. He stands smiling for a minute, but then starts to stumble back and forth.)

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What… The … (Falls to the ground. Gets back up.) Ivy, my master. What can I do for you?

IVY: I want you to bring me Spiderman.  (Black Widow and Superman walk in behind them, holding hands.) Now that you’re under my control, you’ll be doing as I say from here on out.

BLACK WIDOW: What? What have you done to him!?

(Ivy spins around, seeing Widow and Superman.)

IVY: Captain! First grab the Black Widow! She’s seen too much!

(Captain America goes to get the Black Widow. Superman steps in the way.)

SUPERMAN: You won’t touch her!

(Captain America goes to shove Superman out of the way. Superman throws a punch, knocking over Captain America. As this happens, Spiderman and Mystique walk in. Captain America shakes his head and gets up.)
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh my achin’ brain. What happened?

SPIDERMAN: That musclehead socked you, that’s what! (Spiderman runs over to help out Captain America, and then the two turn on Superman.) Let’s get ‘im! (They rush Superman as Wonderwoman and Batman come in. Spiderman and Captain America fight with Superman.)

WONDERWOMAN: Hey! Leave him alone!

BATMAN: You started a fight with the wrong people!

(Wonderwoman and Batman jump in the fight.)

BLACK WIDOW: Hey, Wonderwoman! Don’t touch him! (Black Widow attacks Wonderwoman.)

IVY: You Marvel fools think you can win in a fight against the DC crew!? (Jumps in the foray.)

MYSTIQUE: Oh no you don’t! (Attacks Ivy.)

(All of them tussle. They grunt, yell, so on so forth. Principal Charles Xavier comes in.)
XAVIER: Stop! (Everyone stops where they are.) What is going on here? When they combined the schools I expected you students to behave appropriately. Instead, you have a brawl in the halls? All of you have detention! Now! You can follow me. If any of you don’t follow, trust me, I can make you.

(Everyone stops and follows, shooting glares and threatening motions at each other.)

Scene 4

(Everyone sits in detention. The Joker stands staring at the delinquents.)

JOKER: Well, Well kiddlings! You’re in detention for… (Looks at a piece of paper) Starting a war field in the halls! (Laughs wickedly) Very nice! Exactly what I’d expect of little brutes like you! (Everyone sits quietly staring at him.) Now, I’m the teacher they often put in charge of this little detention center. I like to make things interesting of course, because none of us wants to sit here and be bored for the entire time, hmm? So what say we play a game?

SPIDERMAN: Are we going to play seven up?

JOKER: QUIET! There will be no talking in detention.

BATMAN: How do we not talk if we’re playing a game?
JOKER: QUIET! Anyone speaks again I promise they’ll be sorry! (Laughs wickedly) Now… Where was I? Ah yes. So, you weak little fledgeling superheroes want to grow up and save the world someday, hmm? I suppose some of you are looking at going to Gotham for your education, or perhaps Metropolis? Then you’ll be true superheroes with the power to fight every crime in the world! Well guess what! Not likely! (Batman yawns. Joker gets upset.) Am I boring you, Batboy? Maybe you’d like to call your buddy Robin over! I see you two walking around together. Best friends are you? Well, I love to show my best friends magic tricks! Would you all like to learn a magic trick? (All characters exchange glances, confused.) Well let me show you one. (Pulls out a pen.) I can make this pen… disappear. Batman, come here. (Batman doesn’t move.) Now now, kiddie! Come here, it’s completely safe. I treat everyone with kindness and respect! (Batman gets up and walks over.) It’s a simple Trick of the Eye. Now, I’ll show you on three. One… Two… (Xavier enters)

XAVIER: Joker! What are you doing here? I fired you!

JOKER: Aha, here comes baldy! Always ruining my fun! Baldy, you know what I think of you? I think you’re a control freak! You’re so whiny. I always want to show off my trick of the eye, and you never let me! Why not? Why, why not?

XAVIER: Joker, I fired you! What happened to professor Jean Grey?

JOKER: She… called in sick.

XAVIER: Get out! Don’t show your face in this school again!

JOKER: (Skips out of the class.) La la la la la.

XAVIER: (Pulls out a drink.) I wonder what happened to her. Kids, your new task for detention is to find your professor if she’s in the school. (Takes a drink.) Oh no! I’ve been poisoned! (Falls, dead. All the Marvel and DC crew rush over.

SUPERMAN: He’s dead!

SPIDERMAN: Thanks, doctor obvious.

BLACK WIDOW: Shut up Spiderman. This is seriously bad.

IVY: We need to stop Joker!

BATMAN: What was that trick of the eye he was going to show us?

WONDERWOMAN: Who cares? We need to stop him! He killed Professor X!

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  We will seek Justice for this crime!

MYSTIQUE: Where do we start looking?

(Over the announcements, the Joker talks.)

JOKER: I have taken over this school with my gang. All students are now in custody. Any resistance against my people will result in death. Do not fight against your teachers. They are working with me now!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: All the teachers! They’re working with him!

(The group starts discussing this turn of events, and commenting on the fact that they aren’t captured like the other students. Quietly, as they’re all talking, the Joker comes and abducts Mystique. He places chloroform across her mouth with a rag and drags her body off. No one notices. He returns.)

JOKER: Guys! Look! I’ll disguise myself as the Joker and tell them to free the students!

BLACK WIDOW: That’s a great idea, Mystique!

(Everyone agrees except Ivy.)

JOKER: Come with me, We’ll go to the nearest classroom and get to work!

(They leave. Screams come from offstage. The Joker skips onstage and dances a victory dance.)

JOKER: I won! I won I won I won I won!

Scene 5

(All the Characters are chained up. Superman is unconscious.)

WONDERWOMAN: I can’t move! My hands have been bound by a man! My one weakness!
SPIDERMAN: That’s your only weakness? Having your hands bound by a man?

BLACK WIDOW: Superman! Wake up! There’s a kryptonite necklace tied around his neck! Help him!

SPIDERMAN: Why are both your weaknesses so ridiculous?

BATMAN: What do we do now?

IVY: Die.

BATMAN: Thanks Ivy.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I can’t break these chains in this awkward position!

SPIDERMAN: I can’t break chains in the first place, so stop complaining.

BATMAN: Don’t worry. I’m never without advantage! (Pulls out a knife.) I’ll cut us free.

SPIDERMAN: These are chains, idiot.

BATMAN: This knife was designed by Lucius Fox! It can cut through anything. (Cuts the chain open. Black Widow takes the kryptonite off Superman. Superman groans. Spiderman unties Wonderwoman.)

SPIDERMAN: Let’s go nab the joker.

BLACK WIDOW: I’m going to stay here and take care of Superman!

SUPERMAN: (Weakly) Widow… I… Love… You…

BLACK WIDOW: I love you too, Superman! (Embrace.)

SPIDERMAN: Okay then... First we need to find Mystique.

BATMAN: I suspect Joker has her.

IVY: Who cares? If he killed her it would be a favour to us.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I don’t agree! Let’s go get him!

(They run off stage.)

SUPERMAN: You're so sweet for staying with me, Widow.

BLACK WIDOW: Well you're sweeter.

SUPERMAN: No, You're sweeter.

BLACK WIDOW: No, you are.

(The two continue saying that to each other. Lights out, exit Superman and Black Widow, then Joker comes on the other side, holding Mystique captive.)

JOKER: (Talking into announcements.) And furthermore, I decree that all plaques and trophies shall be dedicated to me!

(Superheroes run in.)

MYSTIQUE: Everybody!

JOKER: Hahaha, it’s all according to plan!

SPIDERMAN: Whatever you say, white boy.

JOKER: You can’t defeat me! (Opens jacket.) I have grenades attached to me! I’ll blow us all up!

WONDERWOMAN: Not if I can help it! (Rushes forward. Joker dodges, trips her and handcuffs her.)

JOKER: Hands bound by a man! Can’t do anything!

SPIDERMAN:  This is bad.

BATMAN: Why don’t you web him?

SPIDERMAN: Because I don’t bring my webbing equipment to school! I don’t usually expect to fight other superheroes!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What do we do?

IVY: If we do anything we all blow up.

(Mystique quietly unties the rope binding her and gives her friends a thumbs up, sneaking up behind the Joker.)

JOKER: You’ve lost! Now take these chains…(Turns, sees Mystique, is startled) Ahh!

(Spiderman, Batman, Ivy and Captain America grab Joker.)
SPIDERMAN: We’ve got him! (They drag him offstage, kicking and yelling. Mystique helps Wonderwoman up and undoes the cuffs. They follow the others.)

WONDERWOMAN: (Yelling to Superman and Widow who are offstage.) Hey guys! Come on! 

SUPERMAN: (Walking across the stage.) No, you're sweeter. 

BLACK WIDOW: No you are.

SUPERMAN: No you're sweeter.

BLACK WIDOW: No, you are. 

(Joker runs on stage.)

JOKER: Hahaha, can't keep me contained! I'll take this whole school down with my trick of the eye and you'll all... (As Joker runs by Superman, Superman grabs Joker by the arm without looking, dragging Joker off stage.)

SUPERMAN: No, you're sweeter.

THE END

Author's Note

This is a spoof on superheroes, placing them in a high school setting simply for the fun of it.