Starry Eyed Boy

There was a tiny star at the bottom of the Milky Way, who waned centuries ago. While shining insignificantly as usual, the star suddenly slid to the Earth; into a 3 year-old boy’s eyes.

When the boy returned home, his momma asked him why he was so happy; the boy explained the star to his momma, with the language of some small country, where a rainbow is never seen. He told of his star to everyone, but no one believed.

The little boy grew, like a tiny tree in a large forest. Just before he blossomed, men with gleaming eyes surrounded him. But it was obvious that weren't stars falling from the sky, causing the glints; they were a cold black, like the shadow of a fire captured all these eyes. The fire fell from their eyes to their hands; becoming an axe, a lethal weapon. A weapon turned crimson red and murdered.

A shadow darker than the night fell over a world long forgotten; starting the war. Clouds quickly cloaked the sky; even the stars always visible to human eye disappeared.

                

                 

Reviews

[Lynx]

I love the idea, the little touches of fantasy in this, while still trying to send out a message. Actually in my city you very rarely can even find a single star in the sky, except for especially good days. It's sad really, the world is clouding up. xD anyway, cool piece!

[Magdalene Fry]

This is a beautiful idea. There does seem to be something missing in the accounts of the star sliding into the eye (I think you're going for abrupt here, but it still needs to need something in your turn of phrase). The description of his telling of the story seems to need something similar.

It seems like it could go either way: either the abrupt, normalcy of the prose could off set (and make more strange/absurd/interesting) the wildness of the story itself...or you could approach some of the prose with the same sense of abstraction/mythologizing.

[Cari Lynn Vaughn]

Magical Realism? Prose Poem? It doesn't matter because it is beautiful regardless of genre. Loved it!

[Erik L. Kimsey]

Aside from the translatory mishaps, I think the concept is very creative!
Try reading it several times (as I'm sure you have) as objectively as possible. It seems to me that there may be (and I'm keeping in mind the great abstract qualities involved in the story) some tiny elements missing that through their absence may confuse readers.
I hope that helps in some way.