thursday

missing my lover on a thursday

                                               

stars are what i look at now
yearned at, glanced at once
need touch
and i can't breathe sometimes
and my eyes are always feeling so wet

you, somewhere near the starlights
the dream changes
the day rises
the sun, just a red haze...an inch between my fingertips
i gasp, see your eyelashes
the flutter, the sigh

the hurt in my arms
i won't rest without the calm
the explosion near my back, just a moment, please
madness, someone said to me
i won't do it, i won't take the pills anymore

"you have a big heart," she said to me today,
a surprise encounter.
some people call her raven, crow, dark darling.
the street arteeests call her daisy, rose,  goddess lilith
music w****s call her raquel, natasha, josephine
i call her stephanie
and she's one of the few that doesn't have to call me maria.

'cause she remembered when i was loved, by the
one with black pearls
in her eyes and stones in her head.
she said, "it's good to see you... what have you been up to?"

"i've been eating sea urchins and stomping
around dirt at night," i told her
"peacocks aren't my favorite birds anymore,
i've been into vultures lately
'cause that's how i feel when i wake up at
three in the afternoon.
i've been wishing on stars and hoping for meteor showers
to come and knock down my
house.
i want to turn into a boi seahorse,
give birth to hundreds of babies and name them
after the manatee that didn't eat them
but waltzed with me instead.

"i've gottten rid of a lot of venom in my veins and liver,
but i still feel poisonous.
("yeah i know what you mean," she says)
i have no money and i'm thinking about selling
all the books i read and didn't
read, but still want to.
they're just collecting dust anyway.
i'm so frustrated sometimes i swear i
want to cut my sternum open, 
just to
feel a new kind of pain.
i want to leave, but i've got nowhere to go.
so i go back to bed,
think of the nights when i was happy
think of mornings when i felt loved and beautiful
when i was impossibly peaceful.

"and when i want to cry, i take a deep breath and
take my fingers to a warm dark place.
recharge my batteries,
let blue silicone finish what my olive phalanges won't.
i'm in love with
someone with smoky quartz for eyes.
i'm happy stephanie, i swear.

i just wish my skin was tighter."

she takes my hands, gives a squeeze.
she's wearing turquoise vintage leather gloves.
we smile, she missed me
but i know she can't tell anyone she saw me.

"i'm going to new york in the
spring," she tells me.
i reply,
"the sunrises are beautiful there."


you, somewhere near the starlights
the dream changes
the day rises
the sun, just a red haze...an inch between my fingertips
i gasp, see your eyelashes
the flutter, the sigh.
sometimes..i can't breathe sometimes...
in front of a computer screen,
like now
and my eyes are always feeling so
wet.
 

Reviews

[Cool Handless Luke]

expertly crafted and intricately woven. the sorrow borne of a hidden love creating both loneliness and a spring of hope for the future.

[Marie Anzalone]

Wow. I apologize I had this in my queue for so long before I reviewed it. This is a very exquisite walk through the thoughts and feelings of an unraveling mind, exl=ploring the mental state with each new encounter of the day. As I read this, I could hear your inner dialogue at full-tilt. I could see the mask being worn, "no, really, I am fine", even as the loneliness was driven home by the alienation of each new encounter. This was stunningly well written.