Inhaling the Sea

tanka poem

I fly with the gull And breathe the color of salt Hear the surf's repeating song I came this way long ago And return to find my path

Reviews

[Aethereal]

This is poem has the reader identifying with the surf. I was inspired to write my own rendition of it, a gift poem which you may keep as your own:

Flying with the gull,
breathing the color of salt.
hearing the surf’s timeless song,
I walk this beach once again
returning to find my path.

[don't know]

Thanks a lot for taking the time to review it and writing your own rendition. Much appreciated. Aethreal

[Aethereal]

You're welcome! My rendition was easy to write after reading yours. Perhaps my second line could have read: "Breathing mineralized salt."

[Nusquam Esse]

By far my favorite line is the second one, it really stands out. I mean, that particular way of describing and imagining the salty air is uncommon if not unique, and yet it has great imagery. Great poem! One thing of note though, Tanka are supposed to have 5 syllables on the 3rd line.

[don't know]

thanks for your review glad you liked. thanks for pointing out about the 3rd line ill know when i write my next one. :)

[Nusquam Esse]

Yeah, 5-7-5-7-7... and while not mandatory, using the 3rd line as a form of transition between the upper and lower segments (so it works as a beginning or an end) is common in Japanese written Tanka. I unfortunately am not intimately familiar with the English adaptations.

[don't know]

thanks for your input .Form is important in Japanese poetry its a style i like writing in.For it to be a true tanka it has to follow the form. will take this on board as have an interest in this style of poetry.

[Nusquam Esse]

Well, first of all... form is definitely important in Japanese poetry, but not as strictly followed as you may think. Several Masters of Haiku would occasionally put 6 On instead of 5 (sorta like syllables) into a line; and these are the classical masters! Still they didn't openly scorn form as seems all too popular in modern English poetry. Stick to the form when possible, if you can't carry the meaning without an extra syllable, don't sweat it. But obviously sticking 12 syllables on a line defeats the purpose... ;) If you are a fan of Japanese poetry, I recommend checking my profile, I have a Haiku, Senryu, and a Tanka, all written in original Japanese format, and then translated to English.

[don't know]

thanks for advice Had a look at your profile very informative with good Japanese poetry. cool that they are written in original Japanese format.

[Tina Louise UK]

Beautiful...wonderful imagery, really enjoyed :) x

[don't know]

thanks for your kind words. :) x

[stars are far]

breathe the color of salt
that is very great line.. well let me please tell you how i would explain it hehe ..and well tell me if its right ..or at least make sense..

breathe the color of salt,it like the sea is the whole world that contains every side of this life -hope,love,hate,happiness,sadness...etc- which are the colors that you breathe and every color is a part of life ,where you breathe what YOU want, and what that sea (which is life) offers you ..

Hear the surf's repeating song, which means those countries that are calling each for what he wants,and what evey country is willing to have..and the last to lines, mean i explored all this world from a long time, and then i realized what is my path,which is the right one.. and to me i guess they are the colors you spoke about,..happiness..and such..

well ..i waned to just talk about the second line...but well.. i dont thik that is how you imagined it..but hehe ...that is how i did.. so what you think XXD .. hehe

btw great write

[don't know]

great review thanks you have interpreted the way i was trying to explain myself and the second last line can be interpreted in many different ways. :)

[stars are far]

you are welcome :))
and yeah it is kind of deep to me

[don't know]

thanks again :))

[stars are far]

my pleasure :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this reminds me of when a friend and i were in Salem, Mass.

and we were by the ocean, in a park...there is a house there and a roof where the women would stand and watch for the ships to come home with their men...in tow.

[don't know]

thanks again! i live beside the sea in a fishing village its what inspired me to write this. You hit the nail on the head. :) iIappreciate more experienced poets giving me feedback.Im just trying to learn the art. :)