You Killed Me....Didn't You??!!

a brief look into the horror of multiple rapes and molestation

-You Killed Me...Didn't You?-
Since eleven years old, I've been entangled in this world of trauma.
You took what all girls want to keep until they've found "the one."
Posing threat to my health for almost nine years with no solution.
With unrelenting force, you injected your body into my lone soul.
And with a grin on your very face, you took every breath from me.
(gasps) (in a whisper....)
Let your wet silence evaporate into my cold, bitter "thin air."
All the while my river floods red, and into the sea of anger I drown.
Trapped by your web of "I'm sorry" and "I didn't mean it Raven."
And yet inside I still pained, still longed to be made whole.
So I lose my fight and give up, with no hopes of ever forgiving me.
(On to the next one who does it...four years later)
You stabbed me with your "blade" not caring how much I "bled out."
And though you can never take it back, I wish you understood.
But then maybe if you understood, I wouldn't have died...inside.
See, what you don't get is how angry, how pissed, how hurt I am.
Why I can't seem to ever tell anyone my truest feelings.
They don't understand that when I do, it's so real to me how I feel.
Why I'm attached to every child I meet because I lost my childhood.
And even taking away my right to have children, I hurt from that.
Body so out of whack that my hips sit at an angle from your forces.
I hated you enough to let my own self die in order to "escape."
Yet, all the while, I secretly carried your seed for six months.
Somewhere in the world, he lives without knowing his "mommy."
Fifteen, with a son, and never knowing if he will even breathe.
No time to be attached, to love, to bond, to show any emotion.
School starts back in 16 days, so I'm sent back home with a secret.
And no doubt, I could blame you, but instead I blame myself.
For the turmoil shaped into a flower that withers with the weather.
And weathers every storm silently until all petals fall to the ground.
Can't anyone see I'm hurting; must I be so strong that I'm weak?
But, you killed me...didn't you? Or did I live to survive?
Did I fight til I had overcome? Did I stand when I should have fallen?
Is it possible I held it together just enough not to break?
And if I died, would you be hearing this read at YOUR funeral?
You didn't kill me...I killed you! Because I killed your power over me.
And I can't say I'm sorry. So, I ask God to forgive a soul like mine.
Because in Exodus 22, He clearly says "thou shalt not kill."
But in order for ME to be free, you must die...and die NOW!
So as I end these words, I just want you to be fully conscious.
Conscious enough to understand, that this mom, this girl,
This minister, this college student, this black bird, this "RAVEN,"
Has found it within to spread her wings. I know you are asking.
"Who would've thought.." I asked too. But I came to realize.
I can only die if I choose to, so instead I'll choose to fight.
To live another day and to forgive someone like you, too.
Because there are things I need forgiven, as well. From GOD.
"You Killed Me.....Didn't You?"