For the First Time

I remember now, the moment when I just knew. It was so different from when the other men courted me; this feeling was overwhelming. It came over me like a tidal wave, I couldn’t breathe, it was like I was drowning, only I wasn’t afraid, I could breathe; I felt safe. I’d never felt like that before. How new and different it was shocked me; it surprised me how much I liked it. I had this overwhelming need to be held by you right that second, it was a relief when you asked me to dance that evening.

I’d spotted you from across the room. I was in shock, I hadn’t seen you in ages and it brought back all of the memories from our childhood. I’d almost called out to you, but you were conversing, getting caught up with everyone, hardly even noticing me at first. I remembered the way we laughed as children, running through the fields behind your parents’ house playing tag and sitting under that old apple tree you and I loved so much. It became our favorite place to be, and even as we grew older and I coaxed you into riding the horses and racing me across the pasture we always came back to that one tree; it was where we bonded. I remember the day when you fell off Blackburn and almost broke your arm; you called me all sorts of horrid names for tricking you into riding such a menace. I recall running through the pasture, crying, all the way to the tree and sitting down, only minutes later, you were sprinting across the lawn, calling out to me. You knew exactly where I was, you hadn’t needed to call out, we both knew this, but you did anyway. You ran to me, apologized and held me close. We were twelve at the time, such good times. I remembered the tricks we used to play on one another, I remembered the time your grandmother died and you spent all day and night under the tree mourning; I remembered it all. Each memory and emotion we shared together, but I knew you didn’t. I didn’t exist to you anymore, you’d moved on with life as I was forced to, I was a part of your past and nor was I part of your present.

            We were always good friends, you and I. We drifted apart when your parents sent you off to a school overseas. I hadn’t seen you for ages and I was wondering why you were here, on Christmas Eve of all days. Was your family back in town? Were you alone? Were you announcing your engagement to all of your old friends? These absurd questions kept rushing through my mind, I was beginning to become dizzy and faint, I had to excuse myself. I walked past you to the exit, hoping you wouldn’t recognize me as I went to get a breath of the cold winter air. Silly me, I’d forgotten to bring my coat with me to the annual Christmas Eve ball, I was always forgetting tiny details and you knew this. You rushed out after me catching my hand and pulling me in close so you could gently hold me in your arms. You put your own coat around my shoulders and it had me feeling safe again for the first time in what felt like ages. You were thirteen when you left; it’d been five years since we’d seen each other, or even spoken. I’d longed for the freshness of your skin, the scent that was yours and only yours, and the warmth you gave off; when you embraced me I wished you would never let go, but alas that was not the case, we had to briefly part.

 You looked into my eyes, and spoke with that soft, kind voice I adored so much as a young girl, the voice that soothed the pain of heartaches and sang me to sleep when I was hurting. “You’re even more beautiful than I remember, Noemi. I haven’t seen you in ages; I’ve missed you. Life has not been the same without you in it; it has been dark and dim and plain. You gave me reason to be alive” you said to me as we stood out on the balcony. You looked into my eyes and it felt as you were looking into my soul, understanding every part of me that you saw. Your dark, beautiful brown eyes drew me in, I couldn’t break your stare nor could I find the words to reply to you. Your words helped to ease each and every fear I’d had about you, they brought me joy and comfort. I just kept gazing into your eyes until finally I couldn’t take it any longer and I pulled you into me and said to you, “I missed you so much. Don’t ever leave me again, please?” As we stood there in the arms of one another underneath the glorious night sky, I held you close, hoping you would never let go. Standing there with you was the most perfect thing in the world to me, breathing in your smell that hadn’t changed in all these years, listening to your heart beat keeping a quiet rhythm, and feeling your chest move up and down as our breathing slowed to match each other. I felt at peace for the first time since you left. “I was afraid you’d never come back.” I whispered to you, just barely audible over the Christmas music from inside. You reached down, placed your hand under my chin and lifted my head so I would have to look at you as you said your next words “I could never leave you and not come back. Not before I’ve said all I have to say.” The light from inside the ballroom made it seem as if you were glowing, an angel sent to me, a Christmas miracle. “What do you mean ‘all I have to say’? I thought you’d told me everything when you left for boarding school.” I still can’t believe you’re here  before me, I have to urge to rub my eyes, to pinch myself, to do anything just to make sure I’m not dreaming. I have been waiting for this moment for years and now that it’s here I haven’t the slightest clue as of what to do. After a long pause of silence while you open your mouth to say something then close it again quickly before doing something irrational I say to you, “you don’t have to say anything tonight. I’m just glad you’re home.” You look into my eyes and I feel like you can read my mind entirely and you pull me in for another hug.

“We should go inside” I say to you reluctantly as I ever so slowly pull away from you. I return your jacket to you and head to the doors. You, unsurprisingly, reach them before I do and open the door for me, bowing slightly and flashing me that mischievous as you used to when we were kids. That smile makes me melt every time, it brings back the warmth of fires in the fireplace while we played piano and read books in the winter, it brings back the fun we had at the ridiculous dances our parents made us attend. I’m so glad to have you home, if only you truly could read my mind and understand what I’m thinking. I love you, I love you, I love you. Those three words run rampant through my mind each time you glance my way or I pause to look at you. I can't help myself but state, as you talk.to others and laugh. I keep my distance, always making sure you aren't looking when I look your way, I don't want you to know how often I think of you. 

The orchestra begins playing your favorite song and I see your dark brown eyes light up with joy. I see a smile slowly plaster itself on your face as you turn to me and hold your hand out to me with your palm facing up. "May I have this dance, milady?" you ask me looking me dead in the eyes. I see the sparkle of excitement in your eyes as we stand there looking at each other. "Yes you may, good sir." I giggle and place my hand in yours. I curtsy as you bow and place a gentle kiss upon my hand and lead me out to the dance floor. The people part as we walk onto the dance floor, they gawk with their mouths agape as if they would have never expected this even after all the years of us playing as children and growing up together. To be honest, I would never have expected it either, even after all the playful times when we danced around outside in the meadow behind your house, I never imagined you asking me to dance with you. It was a pleasant surprise which I didn’t mind in the slightest.

You look dashing in the light given off by the chandelier and your smile and joy complete the look beautifully. I hadn’t noticed it until now; you were wearing black dress pants, white button-up collared shirt with a black tailcoat over it, you had on a pine green bowtie in honor of the Christmas season, black dress shoes which were polished to perfection, and in the lapel of your coat was a gorgeous white rose. We matched; I’m wearing a pine green, silky satin, off-the-shoulder dress with a pleated bodice and a line skirt that reaches all the way to the floor, with my only white shoes that I only used for occasions like this. My hair is French-braided on my head and then tied off at the base of my neck with a white ribbon; it’s nothing intricate but it was elegant enough for the Christmas ball your parents were throwing.

The song is an up-tempo song and you place one arm on the small of my back, firmly, and hold out the other for me to place my hand into. I lay one hand on your shoulder and as I rest the other one in your hand I look into your eyes and see something in them; I see joy, happiness, affection, maybe even love. Once my hand is in place you begin to lead me across the floor, amidst the throngs of onlookers around us. It’s a waltz, a quick “1-2-3” step; it’s simple and easy to keep up with.

“They’re staring…” I say to you as we pass group after group of people.

“Who?” You offer in return.

“Everyone. Can’t you see that anyone with eyes is looking at us?” I say a bit flushed. I nervously look around the room at those who stare, making sure I’m not dreaming.

“I wouldn’t know, I’m too entranced with you beauty. You’re a beautiful young lady, let them look.” When I hear you say this my heart flutters, my stomach drops, and I smile, bigger than I’ve ever smiled.

We continue to twirl across the floor in a fit of laughter and delight until the songs get slower and soon die down, signaling the end of the night and our dreaded parting. I was blissful while it lasted, but again we must part, hopefully I’ll see you again sometime. “Seeing you leave is the hardest part of my evening.” I say, “How will I know you’ll still be here tomorrow, how do I know you won’t disappear and leave me again?” Worry creases my forehead, but you just continue to smile at me and look into my eyes. “I’m staying, Noemi, for good. I’m not going to leave you again, I was foolish to do so then and it would be even more so now.” You reply, “My heart couldn’t bear losing you again. I love you.”