You Did This

How do you get out of a manipulative relationship?

I never thought I would have to say this, but do you want to know what the best part is of having been manipulated? I can walk away�"knowing that I did nothing wrong. It’s a horribly liberating feeling. I can cut myself away from you with the knowledge that I did my absolute best when it came to being a good friend, a good therapist, a good babysitter. I did my best, and that wasn’t enough for you.

I’m filled with a disgusting feeling of pride and self-worth when I acknowledge the fact that I don’t need you. I was fine before you, and I will be fine after you. The thought of keeping you around makes me feel like I’m suffocating. It makes me feel like I’m being shackled. It makes my palms sweat, and my heart beat furiously, my stomach ties itself into knots and I feel like I’m going to throw up. But…the thought of being away from you, makes me feel lighter than I’ve felt since I’ve known you. It makes me feel like I’ve been injected with helium, I can fly�"I can soar over the skies and leave you far behind, and know that my departure will mean more to you than it will to me. I will hack myself apart from you and I will not feel anything but a bitter contempt for you and the person you made me be.

You have been nothing but plain nasty to me. You threw my care and concerns back at me. Slapping me in the face again and again, kicking me in the gut, making me breathe in the same toxic fumes that ruined your life. I took on the mentality of the frail victim. I let you have power over me. I let you make me believe that I was somehow at fault, that it was my fault, that I wasn’t doing enough for you. F**k you. F**k you for ever making me doubt myself.

F**k you for every single time you kept me up, riddling me with worries of your wellbeing and health. For every single time, I missed out on jokes, events and time with loved ones because you were feeling ‘lonely’. For every single time, you told me that it was too much work to follow my advice. For every single time, you triggered me into reliving things I thought I’d gotten over.

The most pathetic and worrying thing, however? I thought you were a good person. I fell for your defenceless and shy act. I defended you. I told anyone that would listen that you weren’t all bad, you meant well. I thought you would never hurt me. You would never turn on me. You said that so many times that it stopped having meaning. They were just words on a page to me. You got mad at me because I wasn’t helping you the way you wanted to be helped. How dare you? How bloody dare you make me feel bad for trying? You never told me what you wanted, so I guessed and estimated instead.

I never had to help you. Not once. But I did it because I wanted to help you. I wanted you to know that you didn’t have to be alone in what you were feeling.

I got told that: “I really know how to pick them.” But I thought you were different. It’s not as if you wore a nametag proclaiming: “My name is ____! And I’m a manipulative narcissist, nice to meet you!” I didn’t know until it was almost too late to do anything about it.  

But, now…I’m realising that you’re better off alone. You twist and contort people into your puppets. You push and bully. You are the piece of gum stuck on the bottom of my shoe. You are the popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth. You are the pen that’s almost but not quite running out of ink. You are a pencil whose tip keeps breaking, no matter how often it’s sharpened. You are the rash on someone’s skin.

I can feel you on my skin. No matter how often I shower, or how hard I scrub at my skin�"I can never get rid of you. You make me feel dirty. Contaminated.

You never said sorry either. You threw me to one side when you didn’t want me�"then I was your favourite person when you needed someone to talk to. You are a selfish little girl. Always throwing a tantrum and stomping your feet and crying on the supermarket floor because your parents wouldn’t buy you a lollipop.

This was all your doing. I didn’t choose to walk away. You made me walk away. If you’re feeling bad, wondering why everyone leaves you, and why aren’t you good enough for anyone, remember this: it is always your fault. You play with people like they’re toys, snapping and bending them and then not comprehending why they don’t want to play with you anymore.

If you’re feeling sick reading this, good. You need to understand that this isn’t going to be fixed with a wave of a magic wand. You did this. And you did this because you’re a nasty piece of work. Nobody forced you to act this way. You acted this way because you wanted to.

What did you expect? A f*****g compliment?

Author's Note

Any feedback would be much appreciated!

Reviews

[Lemon Last]

I really like this piece. I connected with this because I had been in this circumstance before, and I understand all the emotions that you expressed. So well done in making me feel invested! :)

The way you expressed anger toward the other person was realistic and I felt every punch as I kept reading. One thing that I wished for in the story was how did you feel when you walked away from the manipulative person? Did you feel better off being away from that person? Did you feel better off at first, but still have quaint memories of that person? It doesn't have to be a paragraph or anything, but a good sentence or two would be nice to tie the cycle of emotions together. Not to mention it'll be good to explore those emotions to give a bit more complexity to your relationship with the other person. I also noticed some grammar mistakes, but those are easily fixable.

Nice work, I really enjoyed reading this! :)

[Asya Kardzhaliyska]

Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it! That's a good idea actually, thanks! I hadn't considered exploring what happens once this toxic relationship is over, I'll definitely add it in! :)

[aj milton]

He should get off the fence and say what he really means! (Only kidding!) :)

I like this. It epitomises the sort of tirade the we would really like to deliver once in a rare while. But life never really allows our brains to deliver anything so comprehensive in the heat of the moment. And they never actually happen.

But you have expressed an ocean of hurt, so very clearly.

[Asya Kardzhaliyska]

Thank you!! I'm glad that you liked it! :) But exactly, as much as we want to, it's hard to tell people what we feel sometimes.

[Ashish]

Ohh...
Literally I have no idea that it was a boy telling to a girl...and i knew it in the end.

It was very nice. Nice in the sense of style of writing...
The comparison are brilliant.
"You are the piece of gum........."
That paragraph was really giving us the opportunity to feel the feelings of character..

Thank you for sharing Asya.. :)

[Asya Kardzhaliyska]

Thank you, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!