A While

A Poem by Devesh

They look at us with the eyes of those

who do not know a thorn from a rose.

A thorn pricks and the rose pleases,

beauty after all, never really ceases.

That’s what they think,

the ones who never look, just a little further,

just beyond the nook.

We lend them a glance,

and cannot help but smile.

Why should we not

sleep for a while?

© 2014 Devesh

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Emma Olsen

I apologize for taking so long to get to this. I've been very busy. )=

So, to be honest, I'm getting a little confused at what you want the message to be here. I think the insertion of 'beauty never ceases' is what's throwing me because it reads like the narrator's opinion at first but I'm not quite sure if you want it to be or not because "That’s what they think," comes right after. It seems the message you're going for is that pain and pleasure are not the same thing, right? Or is it that the narrator sees that pain and pleasure are both beautiful? Both are a bit contradictory. I just need some clarity - maybe with some further metaphors or images.
I think also the assertion that they need to look a little further needs to be elaborated on because I'm not sure what they should be looking for or how.

Another thought: Perhaps you should just let the metaphor be? I like it so much on its own. I feel like your explanation is what's throwing me. You open with a great metaphor and then pretty much halt the imagery. I'd love to see the metaphor explained through a scene or more metaphors rather than the narrator directly telling me - or simply leaving the metaphor open for more interpretation after I see the relationship the 'we' has. I think elaboration on the 'we's relationship is really needed here. They seem to be lovers kind of finding themselves separate from the world, but I want to glean something about them either from their interactions with each other versus that world or an elaboration on how the narrator feels that they're different from others. Maybe establishing the scene in which these interactions are occurring would be helpful - are the two acting against social norms? How are they provoking the 'they?' (Since it seems as if they'e doing so.) Why the use of a rose as the metaphor? (As opposed to a huge variety of other things, you know? Definitely not saying get rid of it, but perhaps establish a reason why a rose is used. Like, are they in a garden? Does someone remind the narrator of a rose somehow?) I feel like a context for the assertions by the narrator is a bit lacking. It seems like you came up with the initial metaphor and then tried to build a poem around it instead of incorporating the metaphor into a larger message. Maybe try to think of other plants or something to run a theme of metaphors through this? (Perhaps romantic constructs could be another line of thinking? Like, gifts you'd give a significant other or something?) Your first two lines are great, but the rest is just not quite hitting it correctly for me yet. I think you need some expansion - but in the right ways. More metaphors, more imagery, less focus on deconstructing what you've presented. I like the us-against-the-world feeling, too, like the feeling you get as you get to know and spend time with a lover, but I want it supported more.

Just wondering, is there a reason why you started with a rhyme scheme and then changed it? It's fine if it's collaborating with your message, but I'm not quite sure I'm getting that right now. I don't mind the rhyme here, but generally I find rhymes can undermine messages by making the work sound too light-hearted and sing-songy, so if you do a lot of rhyming I'd advise for you to look out for that.

At any rate, I really do think your first two lines are provocative and are setting a theme, tone, and mood for this, I just think that more work should be done on the lines after to have them better support your metaphor. Your second two lines sound nice, but I'm not sure they're necessary and they may be causing some confusion. (It might just be me confused, but I'm always wary of 'this is great!' one line comments. They feel good but sometimes people are afraid of hurting your feelings. Maybe ask if other people you know are confused when reading it? I read it to my boyfriend and he agreed, but maybe we're both just missing something.) I also like the feeling of the use of 'we' and the reactions they both have with each other (well, assuming it's two people), but I kind of need more of a grounding in regards to setting and the world around them. Basically: clarify exactly how the 'we' is separate from the people around them and what the situation is. I think this has some promise, but right now it feels almost as if that first metaphor is carrying the rest of the poem rather than serving as a refreshing introduction. You have a good mood here, but more imagery would definitely help you.
Again, apologies for the delay and good luck with your future work!

Posted 10 Years Ago

I apologize for taking so long to get to this. I've been very busy. )=

So, to be honest, I'm getting a little confused at what you want the message to be here. I think the insertion of 'beauty never ceases'  is what's throwing me because it reads like the narrator's opinion at first but I'm not quite sure if you want it to be or not because "That’s what they think," comes right after. It seems the message you're going for is that pain and pleasure are not the same thing, right? Or is it that the narrator sees that pain and pleasure are both beautiful? Both are a bit contradictory. I just need some clarity - maybe with some further metaphors or images.
I think also the assertion that they need to look a little further needs to be elaborated on because I'm not sure what they should be looking for or how.

Another thought: Perhaps you should just let the metaphor be? I like it so much on its own. I feel like your explanation is what's throwing me. You open with a great metaphor and then pretty much halt the imagery. I'd love to see the metaphor explained through a scene or more metaphors rather than the narrator directly telling me - or simply leaving the metaphor open for more interpretation after I see the relationship the 'we' has. I think elaboration on the 'we's relationship is really needed here. They seem to be lovers kind of finding themselves separate from the world, but I want to glean something about them either from their interactions with each other versus that world or an elaboration on how the narrator feels that they're different from others. Maybe establishing the scene in which these interactions are occurring would be helpful - are the two acting against social norms? How are they provoking the 'they?' (Since it seems as if they'e doing so.) Why the use of a rose as the metaphor? (As opposed to a huge variety of other things, you know? Definitely not saying get rid of it, but perhaps establish a reason why a rose is used. Like, are they in a garden? Does someone remind the narrator of a rose somehow?) I feel like a context for the assertions by the narrator is a bit lacking. It seems like you came up with the initial metaphor and then tried to build a poem around it instead of incorporating the metaphor into a larger message. Maybe try to think of other plants or something to run a theme of metaphors through this? (Perhaps romantic constructs could be another line of thinking? Like, gifts you'd give a significant other or something?) Your first two lines are great, but the rest is just not quite hitting it correctly for me yet. I think you need some expansion - but in the right ways. More metaphors, more imagery, less focus on deconstructing what you've presented. I like the us-against-the-world feeling, too, like the feeling you get as you get to know and spend time with a lover, but I want it supported more.

Just wondering, is there a reason why you started with a rhyme scheme and then changed it? It's fine if it's collaborating with your message, but I'm not quite sure I'm getting that right now. I don't mind the rhyme here, but generally I find rhymes can undermine messages by making the work sound too light-hearted and sing-songy, so if you do a lot of rhyming I'd advise for you to look out for that.

At any rate, I really do think your first two lines are provocative and are setting a theme, tone, and mood for this, I just think that more work should be done on the lines after to have them better support your metaphor. Your second two lines sound nice, but I'm not sure they're necessary and they may be causing some confusion. (It might just be me confused, but I'm always wary of 'this is great!' one line comments. They feel good but sometimes people are afraid of hurting your feelings. Maybe ask if other people you know are confused when reading it? I read it to my boyfriend and he agreed, but maybe we're both just missing something.) I also like the feeling of the use of 'we' and the reactions they both have with each other (well, assuming it's two people), but I kind of need more of a grounding in regards to setting and the world around them. Basically: clarify exactly how the 'we' is separate from the people around them and what the situation is. I think this has some promise, but right now it feels almost as if that first metaphor is carrying the rest of the poem rather than serving as a refreshing introduction. You have a good mood here, but more imagery would definitely help you.
Again, apologies for the delay and good luck with your future work!

Rating /100