On

Float across the blue
of the sky to the true
world of the rain,
a song and a train.

Swim across the deep,
you're not mine to keep,
Walk the last mile
we'll meet in a while.

Reviews

[Ai Lun]

I liked the first stanza as it had a nice flow and rhythm to it. I haven't really given constructive criticism to anyone on this site yet, but I see your potential so I must tell you. The second verse seemed a bit too rigid. As if you were searching for words that rhymed. There's no need. Let the rhyme flow from within, and if it doesn't manifest then carry on writing without it. The best poems are the ones that take almost no effort to write. Just have fun with your writing and bring out that potential that I can see within your writing :)

[Devesh]

Thanks for taking the time to read, Aaron! :) You got me there, I was searching for something that rhymed. I though it would sound better that way. I see your point now, I'll be sure to keep that in mind whenever I write. Thanks for thinking I'm worthy of some constructive criticism and thank you for the suggestions, they're really appreciated! =)

[Ai Lun]

You're welcome :)

[annabellee]

Another great write, I like your stuff. Your poems flow with such ease :)
Well done :)

[Devesh]

Thanks a lot! :D

[annabellee]

you're most welcome :)

[Brook]

Sweet and simple.
Again, another terrific piece, which a lovely use of language. You're a very good writer.
I also love the 'starry night' picture you used for this.

[Devesh]

Thank you, Brookly, that means a lot. :) The picture was just something I stumbled upon and it seemed to be appropriate somehow :)

[Brook]

You're welcome, lovely. :)

[Stella Armour]

Firstly may i tell you that i read your profile and all 17 yr olds are abnormal, it is part of the life development cycle..:o).

i like this little poem and you have done well with your rhymes, if you ever get stuck for rhyming words there is a site on the internet called "Rhymezone" i use it all the time.

A lovely write my friend..

[Devesh]

What I meant by saying that I'm abnormal is that I'm an old soul, almost all of my preferences are much much different than people my age who surround me. For example, my taste in music: I like stuff by Simon and Garfunkel, which most of my peers think is old people stuff. But the people here understand :)
I've used that site a couple of times, but I've discovered that I sound contrived when look words up. I can't integrate them into my writings unless they're coming straight from my head. I don't know why :)
Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read and comment, thank you very much for your kind words :))

[Stella Armour]

Some of us are quite old when we come into the world, i can tell which of my grandchildren have been here before by the way they understand things .
Just be yourself and be happy and then poetry will come naturally for you..

[Devesh]

I'll try, thank you for the encouragement! :D

[Lydia Shutter]

A laissez faire sort of attitude...free and easy. People are not ours to keep, that is so true. We have to cherish the time they walk through our lives. I liked the rhythm and rhyme of this poem. Lydi**

[Devesh]

Glad you liked it! Thank you for reading! and for teaching me French! :)

[Lydia Shutter]

LOL actually, that is a French phrase that was incorporated into the English language long ago. Always happy to be a teacher though! :)

[Devesh]

I'm a student of German, so I avoid all things French. :P

[Lydia Shutter]

I am from the Netherlands...avoiding all things German is the way for me! LOL

[Devesh]

I can't stop laughing right now xD

[Lydia Shutter]

:) good....laughter is an important part of a happy life.

[Devesh]

yes, it is :) nothing better than the sight of drunk german football fans laughing their arse off, eh? :P

[Lydia Shutter]

Have never seen that, but it would be quite a sight, yes. Be well, Devesh. :)

[Devesh]

I haven't either, but from what I've heard about them, they all laugh like madmen when they're drunk. :P You too, Lydia! :)

[Frieda P]

I felt this one, I thought of my beloved sister whilst reading. A bittersweet tone, nicely pen'd.

[Devesh]

I wrote it for a family member as well, so I'm glad it resonated with you. Thank you. :)

[Frieda P]

Ah, wasn't sure if that's what it was exactly, sorry for your loss. My pleasure. :-)

[Rachelle]

Love blossoms best when you let go.

[Devesh]

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts :)

[Elina]

Very simple, but I rather enjoyed this.

[Devesh]

Glad you enjoyed it. I wrote it for a now deceased family member, so I'm glad others find it nice.

[Elina]

I thought it was lovely. It makes a fine tribute to your family member.

[Devesh]

Thank you for reading. :)