Broken

10/9/15

She was weak, fragile, and broken. This world had crushed her. Swallowed her up and spit her back out. She's an alcoholic. A victim. Controlled by that sickening disease. It controlled her whole life and she just allowed it. She confided in it, hid in the bottle and tucked away all her pain. She swallowed that substance and released someone unrecognizable. She hurt and it pained me to know so. I just wanted to be able to numb her pain and help her to see that the drink doesn't fix things, it masks and conceals her demons. She needed to let them free. I want to help but my eagerness only comes across to her as bitterness. In her eyes, I am just another one of them who doesn’t understand. I do, however, I understand in countless ways. I understand that her past had made her so terribly weak that she lost all abilities to care for her children. She forgot how to nurture and left us to build ourselves as we watched her destroy herself, with no guidance along with all things only a mother can provide for her children. She is one of the only people who could heal my brokenness yet, is too wrapped up in her own. I want so badly to be acknowledged in the way she clings to the bottle, as if it is the only only constant in her life. Her children want so desperately to be a constant in her life rather than a man or substance, this is all we ever hoped for. I want to share this life with her but it seems as if she has no interest in being my mother, that is no longer a cherished responsibility nor priority to her. I know I have to let go of this heavy burden and accept that my very own mother is one of the most toxic people in my life and I cannot fight this fight anymore because there is no end nor winning side.I will forever be caught up in the battling tides where all your misery resides and this appears to be a storm that just won’t blow over. It is a never ending nightmare and the thought of losing you to this disease is far too much to bare. Mom, If you decide to get better I will embrace your new-found spirit with love and compassion. However, If you decide otherwise, I, along with you, will never find the peace we deserve.