(Finding) My still small voice...

Learning to find my voice, after years of hiding it..

I remember myself as a child..
Feeling locked away inside myself speechless..
Always internalizing, rationalizing, compromising
I never felt like I would ever experience total release.
Children were to be seen, and never heard
A rule we lived under in a small army called a family..
My voice grew small and inconsequential.

The venom of being shushed as it were,  ran through me.
Anger, frustration and pain abound in my belly
but boys were never allowed to cry.. hungry or not.
I felt many things.. and joy often graced my face
but bliss and excitement seldom joined in..
my joy was usually driven by my own eccentric mind..
boys were not suppose to carry on in such foolish tantrums
I swallowed hard and downed my still small voice..

As the teen years came and forced themselves upon me..
I grew gangly, long and awkward.. despised in myself..
To shy in my appearance, I let vanity take yet another small piece of my song.
I feared being shunned by the sharp wit and cunning of bitter tongues
I relented and let others speak my needs, and fill my mouth with their crass.

My anger became resentment, my frustration became rage
My pain a constant torment, often unheard.. I stood in silence unable to articulate.
Bliss and excitement, the foolish exuberance of my inner child was pushed ever deeper
so far down it could not find it's way back to the top.. and joy.
Well joy.. it tasted rather plain, dulled to a less then fulfilling existence.

As a young man.. I found myself wandering aimlessly..
Never knowing were to find help, or how to ask for it.
Trapped in a world that had no time for the ignorant, no time for me.
Jumping from lover to lover, unexpressed I found no relief..
Sadness filled the remainder of my half full glass, it brimmed over the top
skating down a slippery slope, it consumed everything it came in contact with,
even the remainder of my still small voice..

Love came and found me, cursing me as I am..
At least that's what I thought.. but.. as life settled, so did I..
I settled in the offering, not at all what I was needing..
I settled in my thinking.. and never gave resistance..
I swallowed hard the resentment that soon followed.

Fatherhood came.. when life finally thought me ready
My children my voice.. I spoke with loving hands..
I spoke with a generous heart.. I spoke warm embrace,
with kind eyes, soft and subtle, never offering a bitter tongue
but a gentle,  quiet reaffirming..
void of voice, I left my mark.
 
They taught me to stand up and be counted
to lash out at equality, and never settle for less then what I want.
to speak with action, leaving undo criticism to the naysayers
to do it for them, for they could not..
My voice trickled forth...

As I have grown older.. wiser in aged years
I have filled my life with many things, people called friends.
Contented I am full.. full of eclectic odds and ends
some cantankerous, and boisterous, lively or hardened
busy bodied in their own resentments, and failures
I have grown wise in my approach, trying never to offend
I have grown wise in my mutter, not to upset the applecart..

I am not the most eloquent poetaster.. nor the most clever writer
I am not even above average in intelligence, but I have found tranquility
Yet a simple man.. looking, digging for truth, for dignity, absolution
to shed my anger, my rage, and find that ever elusive release..
The piece that I have been missing all these years..
My still small voice..

Reviews

[Deviant Works]

Now wiping the tears from my eyes... You are a genius. A master of words. I could sit for hours reading and never grow bored. A small voice which rings in my ears. I hope you never become silent again. I pray you continue to share, helping writers like me aspire to be something more than a small voice.

I must agree, you have an incredibly beautiful and powerful way with words. There is so much emotion and feeling within a person you manage to convey those feelings so eloquently. Stunning.

[Inkcognito]

Your voice is anything but small...you have a voice so powerful, rich, deep and generous. Your voice is eloquent, wise, truthful and kind . Your voice is filled with inspiration and warmth, the voice of encouragement, support, devotion and love.... above all, it is YOURS and nobody can take it away from you!
I truly respect and love this voice of yours...please, don't ever stop speaking - there will always be someone wanting to listen to what you have to say...remain standing to be counted.