Murder in the Office

-Murder in the Office-

 

A murder mystery told from five different points-of-view.

 

First Person (Andrew Webster)

 

It was a day much like any other at the PR firm in Boston. I had just started working there when my boss, Mrs. Mason, came over to my cubical and demanded an explanation. She had discovered how I had borrowed some money from the last company for which I had worked. She said I was a thief. I tried to explain that I had full intentions of paying, them back but she would not hear of it. Just then the secretary, Ms. Bartolino, came over and handed Ms. Mason her morning coffee. I could hardly believe what happened next but within one sip Ms. Mason began choking and then collapsed to the floor. At first I thought she had some kind of heart attack or stroke. But the police informed me later that it was poison, cyanide they said. I found out later who was the perpetrator and I could hardly believe that Ms. Bartolino, who was such a nice lady, was even capable of such a horrible act.

 

Second Person (Donna Bartolino)

 

You emptied the bottle of cyanide into Elaine's disposable coffee cup. She always demanded for you to call her Ms. Mason, but that upstart witch never deserved your respect. You had been working diligently for the company for forty years and the position should have been yours. It went to her instead. The clear liquid blended into the black beverage concealing the lethal cocktail. You cast a wary glance over your shoulder as you slipped the unmarked empty bottle into your floral patterned purse. Outside the kitchen Elaine was reaming that poor newly hired intern, Andrew, over some trivial matter about which you cared little. She turned to you and said, "It's about time." You handed her the cup, warning her it was hot. She took a sip as you stared victoriously and a smile stretched across your face as you watched her convulsing body fall to the floor.

 

Third Person Limited Omniscient (Elaine Mason)

 

Elaine Mason stormed down the corridor of cubicles to the one with the newly printed sign reading Andrew Webster, Copy Editor.

 

"Andrew, do you want to explain this?" She held a wrinkled piece of fax paper with a series of figures divided into three columns. Her foot tapped impertinently as Andrew took the paper into his hands and began reading. Elaine watched the young employee turn a deep red as he tried to loosen the collar of his shirt.

 

"Its not what you think," Andrew started but Elaine snatched the paper away from him cutting his sentence short.

 

"I'll tell you what this is," Elaine bent over the young man in his desk chair like a lioness leering over a wounded antelope. "This is your ticket to the unemployment line. I can't believe you tried to hide this from me on your resume. Did you think I wouldn't find out? The last thing this company needs is a thief. I want you out of this building within the hour."

 

"Ms. Mason, your coffee," Donna Bartolino stood behind the fuming woman holding a tan disposable cup with little brown coffee beans printed on the outside. Ms. Mason turned and snatched the cup out of the older woman's hands. She took a sip instantly despite Donna's warning that it was hot. The liquid burned her tongue, but she kept perfect composure making sure that Andrew would not see any sign of weakness. Andrew ducked low in his chair partially paralyzed by the woman's stare.

 

Suddenly Elaine felt something sickening come over her. It made her gag and she tried to grab for her throat but her arms would not obey her thoughts. Her arms began convulsing and her body started shaking uncontrollably. What's happening to me? She thought as her knees gave out and she fell to the floor. The hard industrial carpet greeted her face as her body contorted and wriggled on the floor like a fish out of water. She watched Ms. Bartolino's brown buckled pump fade from view as she felt the pulsing stop and darkness consumed her mind.

 

Third Person Editorial Omniscient

 

Ms. Elaine Mason had worked hard to achieve her position as boss in the corporate office of Johnson and Howard, a prestigious PR firm in the greater Boston metropolitan area. But Andrew Webster, a newly hired copy editor now stood as an obstacle to her position of power. Earlier that morning Elaine had discovered that the young whelp had stolen funds from a previous job, and she was fuming. She advanced down the corridor of cubicles to where Andrew had his workstation.

 

"Andrew, do you want to explain this?" She said as she held out to him the evidence of his thievery that had been faxed to her moments before.

 

Andrew struggled with what to say, and she cut his defense short before he could say anything. The young man watched helplessly as his boss reamed him out. He wanted to escape from this situation but her power over him acted like a vice-grip holding him to his chair.

 

Just then Donna Bartolino, Elaine's secretary, handed Ms. Mason a cup of coffee, which Ms. Mason promptly took and began to drink. Little did Elaine know but Donna – who secretly hated Elaine – had poisoned the cup of coffee with a lethal dose of cyanide and within a minute Elaine was lying dead on the floor.

 

Third Person Objective Author

 

"Murder in the office" is what the Rockwell police are now calling the mysterious death of Johnson and Howard CEO Elaine Mason. Cyanide is the underlining cause of death, and it was apparently slipped to the executive in her coffee. According to authorities Ms. Mason was dead within minutes of taking the first sip. A witness to the crime, Andrew Webster, described the scene as horrific.

 

"At first I thought she had some kind of heart attack or stroke," Andrew Webster told reports. "I could hardly believe that Donna, who was such a nice lady, was even capable of such a horrible act."

 

Of those, police currently have in custody are Donna Bartolino, Ms. Mason's 59-year-old secretary. Apparently Ms. Bartolino, a forty-year employee of Johnson and Howard, was angry over not advancing in the company and took out her revenge on the CEO. Police found the empty bottle of cyanide in Donne Bartolino's home. Prosecutors feel they have a solid case on this one and will be pursuing the death penalty for Ms. Barotlino's.

 

"It is a clear cut case of office envy that turned into office murder." Said district attorney Anthony Jones at the courthouse this afternoon. The trial is set to begin in February.

 

Author's Note

This was an exercise in writing styles. Try it yourself and see how you will do writing the same scene from the five points-of-view.

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

This is a really good exercise; I like the idea of experimenting with a lot of different ways to tell the story. It got a little repetetive, but that's just the nature of writing exercises sometimes. I missed your character development, but I guess your cameos would've had to be a lot longer to pull that off much. I was a little off-put by the second person, though. I guess that was the point. I think that one of the big reasons why you don't really see second person around very much is because it's imposing on the reader. As soon as you put us in another character's shoes but say "you do this or that" the first instinct is to say "no I don't! I'm not that person!" But it was a clever move to put us in the murderer's shoes; that made it even more uncomfortable.

On to grammar nitpicking!

"full intentions of paying, them back" Comma's in the wrong spot :)

"I could hardly believe what happened next but within one sip" You need a comma after "next"

"She always demanded for you to call her Ms. Mason," Usually one doesn't demand "for" something, but "of" or "that" some thing. Therefore I think "She always demanded that you call her Ms. Mason" would sound more natural.

""Its not what you think,"" Should be "it's"

"She turned to you and..." You tell us later that Ms. Mason's first name is Elaine, but at first I thought you were talking about a different person. It makes sense that the secretary would refer to her as "Elaine" in her head as a sign of disrespect, but it's a rather sudden change, so you may want to add a sentence in there about how the secretary would rather refer to her boss as "Elaine" or something. Also, how is it possible that a secretary would get the boss's position after 40 years? Is Elaine a manager or something? Because as far as I know secertaries usually aren't promoted to be managers, since they generally have a different skill set.

"Ms. Mason turned and snatched the cup out of the older woman's hands." But wait! In the last little segment, Ms. Mason says "It's about time" before she snatches the coffee cup. You might want to add that into this segment for continuity's sake.

"Little did Elaine know but Donna" "but" should be "that"

"with a lethal dose of cyanide and within a minute Elaine was lying dead on the floor." With this bit in, the sentence becomes a run-on. I'd recommend putting a period after "cyanide" and starting the next sentence with "Within."

"Murder in the office" is what the Rockwell police are now calling the mysterious death of Johnson and Howard CEO Elaine Mason." Wait, why would the death be "mysterious" if Andrew knows who did it? You might want to edit that word out.

Although I was originally expecting a mystery story and was a little disappointed when I didn't get one, this was worth reading. It's a good idea for a writing exercise, and you pulled it off rather well. There are a few inconsistancies from POV switch to POV switch, but I'm sure some editing can clear those up in a jiffy. Good job!

[Anju]

Hi, interesting exercise. I think you chose the different views quite good, although the first one was - pardon - a little bit boring, because it sounded just like a testimony without emotion. It was a good introduction, though.
I spotted a few mistakes (but since I'm no native speaker, I'm not sure about them, I have to say) and if I figure out how adding notes works, I will do that. Otherwise I'll simply edit my review and put it in here :)

I was a bit confused about the second part, I didn't really get that Donna was addressed, I thought she was speaking. Which makes no real sence, because it said "Second Person", so ... yeah.
The next ones, both third person omniscient, are quite similar, so maybe you could have chosen something more different, but okay.
I could see really well how your style changed, so I guess you were successful ;) And you describe in this typical crime-style, can I assume that you read those books very often?
And another thing I just wanted to mention:
>The hard industrial carpet greeted her face [...]
Ha, I really liked that sentence^^
It would be great to know more about the mackground, though. It still leaves a bit cliche, the successful businesswoman that is unfair towards a younger guy (or just strict, depend on how you see that) and the elder woman that was left behind and jealous. But okay, I suppose you really have to keep it simple for such a short story, especially for an exercise. Apart from this, I don't have anything to say about the plot, is traceable and well structured, the different views are explored greatly.
Good work, all in all.
Yours, Anju

Edit: Duh, as if I hadn't guessed it. So:
"of paying, them back" without comma
"Its not what" with an aposthrophe
"What's happening to me? She thought" - I'm not sure about american punctuation, but there's a comma needed, I suppose. And speech marks.
"into office murder." Said" there's also a comma left, isn't it?
So far, I'm done now.