E tu, Breyers?

As a child of the 70s, I grew up confidently knowing that while the “other guys” were scamming innocent consumers and causing kids like poor little Johnny undue emotional turmoil and stuttering conniptions whenever they tried to read the sides of their ice cream boxes, my loyal all natural ice cream would never let me down. I believed with my whole heart and soul that the one thing I could count on in this crazy, mixed up, artificially inseminated world was that I’d be able to save my own children from the same traumatic fate. The ice cream I was raised on would never betray me - no way, no how. My ice cream promised me it would always be all natural and would never think of using ingredients that might cause irreparable damage or somehow wipe those big, calcium- infused, toothy smiles off my children’s or their children’s dear little faces.

Now that I am a fairly well-educated adult consumer, and yes, still a hopeful romantic and trusting child at heart, I never dreamed that Breyers Extra Creamy (Double Churned) could ever be anything but extra dreamy. In fact, I even forgave them for decreasing the size of their containers to 1.75 quarts - a significant .25 quart less than your standard half gallon, figuring, well, it’s just better ice cream, and with the price of dairy these days, I’m sure they had a real hard time producing such high quality product and remaining within competitive range and reach of the average consumer. For heaven’s sake, isn’t your family - aren’t your sweet little children worth it?

Just imagine my utter shock and disappointment when, out of nothing more than innocent curiosity, I decided to sneak a peek at the ingredients, just to find out what it is, exactly, that makes Extra Creamy (besides the double churning) well, so damned creamy, and discovered listed as one of the primary ingredients none other than my dreaded nemesis " corn syrup! Corn Syrup?! OK. I admit it. I am prejudiced when it comes to corn syrup (and technically, it is a fairly natural ingredient,) partially due to the fact that it just seems unnecessary in many food items and mostly because as someone who touts the value of pure maple syrup, I am regretfully aware that certain close family members still insist that Aunt Jemima’s artificially maple-flavored corn syrup just tastes better than real grade A or B light or dark amber. With that, I am willing to admit my predisposition to hating on any food item enhanced by corn syrup.

With that said, let’s get back to the original question that I have carried with me all these years: “Why can’t Johnny read?” Remember why Johnny couldn’t pronounce the ice cream ingredients? Because those b*****d ice cream companies used preservatives and fillers and enhancers such as poly"poly-polysorbate 6000 - or whatever the blazes it was - and things that defied description, like, oh my, oh no, GUAR gum! Yes, folks, Breyers Extra Creamy (Double Churned) includes GUAR gum and other unsavory unpronounceables like carrageenan, mono and diglycerides and annatto (for color). OK, there’s no poly-poly-polysorbate 12,950 in it, but still, what the hell!?

Shame on me, I suppose, for not realizing that the box is, indeed, a different color -- in fact it is white " maybe because of the annatto (for color) - as opposed to the original black-- than the “all natural” box and assuming that the NEW just meant better and not, in fact, unnatural (or, more accurately, with superfluous stylizing, texturizing or otherwise bizarre additives or agents). It shouldn’t really surprise me to learn that Breyers has gone to the dark (or, um, light) side with everyone else and Double Churned actually means it takes a little more mixing to mix in carrageenan and GUAR gum and annatto (for color). Mind you, it was vanilla ice cream I purchased, so I’m sitting here wondering what color the ice cream would actually be without annatto. So, friends, don’t be so eager to trust something that seems to be premium and wholesome and brings you back to your good old all-natural easy reader childhood because extra creamy in this millennium, really just might mean extra crappy.