Hell

This is a creative writing piece on a historical event that I had to do for my AP language arts class. It is about 9/11, which may be a touchy subject for people, so please proceed with caution.

I check the time anxiously, willing for it to have moved at least one minute. 8:40. Not even one goddamn minute. Only seven hours and twenty minutes exactly until I get to leave this hell hole. I sit in my worn out chair, it squeaks as I sit down. “John,” a monotone voice rings throughout my cubicle. I look up. I see a familiar face, Christopher is his name I think, either that or Cory or some other common ‘C’ name which I can never remember. “Would you be so kind as to tell me the date? I think my computer is glitching or something.”

 I look at the calendar plastered on the wall of the desk, a red ‘X’ through every day that has gone past, each day closer to the date I was so ready for: my Bachelor Party in Vegas. Hell yes. “Uh yeah, sure bud. It’s September 11^th,” I reply.

“C” man turns away, back to his own computer, sucked back into the bland normalcy of the work day. I tap a pen on my desk, trying to amuse myself, but utterly failing. I check the clock again. 8:44. Oh God, I think to myself, I would rather die than be here. I turn on my computer, and start to type in the familiar passcode of my work I.D.

769251-

I am thrown down to the floor. An earsplitting scream. The sound of concrete being smashed into; a building being torn apart. People all around, shouting, confused and afraid. It is a vision of hell. Smoke billows into the air, its noxious fumes choking me, my eyes watering. I can barely feel the stream of salty tears running down my face. What is happening? Oh God, what the hell is happening?

The putrid scent of bile mixes into the air with the stinging black smoke. Fire spreads into the room; it is a blazing red orange juggernaut, destroying everything in its pathway. The great ashy serpent of smoke follows, seeping through the seams of the walls silently, the slow killer. I dig my nails into the melted carpet in an attempt to drag myself out of this hell. I reach a precarious hand out into the expanse in front of me �" my fingers tentatively drag over a fleshy expanse, fingers locating the wetness of a mouth. I am face to face with “C” man, dead eyes boring into me, glaring into my soul, his face frozen into a twisted caricature of fear. I can feel the bile rising in my throat, begging to be released. I painstakingly crawl forward, smoke and ash filling my lungs, heavy like lead. It feels as though my throat is getting tighter by the minute, as if attempting to strangle me and put me out of my misery.

I feel with my hands as I move, my eyes straining to see through the dark abyss of smoke. My hands run over something, it feels like a series of knotted strings. Hair. I follow the hair to the head, and move down to the face. However, I do not find a face. My hands run over the remnants of a face, pieces of flesh hanging off bone, burned to a charcoal crisp. I vomit. I am sick at the sight of my coworkers dead, their bodies barely resembling anything known, much less human. The acid eating away at my throats engenders a sense of solace within me; the pain is good, it reminds me that I am not dead yet. Yet. The flames leapt in a feverish dance, waiting to devour me. The flames of hell, it must be. Rubble and pieces of what was supposed to be the wall are strewn across the sea of blackened bodies. I cannot breathe. I’m going to die. I’m going to freaking die.

 I start sobbing, mucus running out of my nose and into my mouth. I will never get to see my wedding day. I will never get to hold my baby boy, growing inside of Angela as I lay here, awaiting my death. I can’t die. Why God? Why me? Why are you punishing me? Was I that much of a horrible human being? God, please, please don’t let me die. I am praying to you now, please, please let me live.

I let out a strangled sound, my tears are now drowning me. Blackness begins to overcome me. I cannot hold on any longer.

I love you, Angela.

Author's Note

This was for an AP language arts assignment. It is about 9/11, which is a touchy subject, but I hope nobody gets offended by it. I would love your opinion on it and how I could improve my technique and descriptions. Thank you! :)

Reviews

[AaronFreitas]

This is an awesome write. In reading your words I had this image playing in my mind as if I was watching a movie... you did a great job of showing me what was going on at that moment rather than telling me. A very creative write, a great story and you kept me entertained. I loved it... great work :)

[A Lonely Girl]

Thank you SO MUCH! Your words mean a lot to me, especially coming from Mr. Popular ;) Lol. Really though, I appreciate you saying that. Thank you again :)

[AaronFreitas]

lol Mr. Popular lmao... you're funny :)

[A Lonely Girl]

That's my nickname for you! And thanks, I try :') lol

[AaronFreitas]

haha I'll accept it :) all my poems are about being heart broken and lonely and yet I'm Mr. Popular lmao :)

[A Lonely Girl]

Ah, the irony of it. Love it!

[Terrence Chang]

Great storytelling lonely girl

[Alex]

This was a great piece! The delivery with announcing the date was unexpected, and gave me just enough time to say "uh oh," before everything fell apart. The graphic images were handled nicely as well. Something I would have wanted to see more of, though, were descriptions of what the narrator was physically feeling during this. Describing his throat closing was one of the only things you included. You could add feeling the heat of the flames on his skin; if he had stuff fall on him, the weight of that stuff; maybe he broke a leg, and that's why he needs to crawl. To put it another way: You did a great job of describing the scene of destruction, but left his personal space out of the description. This would have been more or less flawless in my opinion with that. Great job!

P.S. I thought it was brilliant irony that he describes his boring job as hell mere moments before experiencing it first hand. Nice touch.

[A Lonely Girl]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking time to read it and offer me suggestions :) In regards to it being more about the scene and less about him: this assignment was to describe a historical event, so I focused more on the scene rather than the person because that is what I needed to highlight for my assignment. As with my other story sunset, I focused more on the scenes rather than the character himself, purely for the reason of the assignment. Thank you for noticing that though, and I will take your suggestions and maybe incorporate more character development if I ever think of making more of the story :) Thank you again for your thoughtful suggestions, I will make sure to put them to good use in my next story!!

[KittyKatgirl]

You are really good with your descriptions. It allows the reader to envision what is happening. I love the ending. It brought tears to my eyes. The last thing he thinks of is his fiancee and his unborn child when he's dying. You have chosen a great title for the story. Great job :)

[A Lonely Girl]

Thank you so much! I tried to envision what it might be like, although I know that I can't possible even begin to imagine the terror that people had. :)

[KittyKatgirl]

Yeah. Nobody can really unless if they experience it themselves. I hate it when people say they know how you feel when they actually don't because unless if the same things happened to them then they truly can't know what it feels like

[SamTunis]

I'm speechless, very beautifully written.

[A Lonely Girl]

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words :)

[xansizi]

A very shocking insight into a tragedy. I thought this was very well and effectively written. I lvoe the contrast between the normality, where you lull the reader into a semi-lethargic mood and then shock them with the explosion. You handled the change in mood and tempo very well. I also liked your descriptions of the scene and the fact you invoked other senses- smell and touch- along with what you could see or hear.

[A Lonely Girl]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I really tried to highlight that contrast, so thank you for commenting on it! :)

[SpiceCookie]

You did a great job describing this horrible moment in our history. Great descriptions about this person's feelings. Keep writing!

[A Lonely Girl]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate you for reading and reviewing this! :)

[....................]

Hell, indeed. A horrible moment in our history - so many horrible and unnecessary deaths - and hell on many levels: death and destruction and thousands of families affected. I enjoy your description, very much, you are very good.

Only one place where your tenses conflicted... you said the flames leapt (past) and should have been 'the flames leap'...

Great job, ALG...

[A Lonely Girl]

Ah, I always mistake those tenses. Thank you for reading my second piece! Your kind words and suggestions/corrections definitely mean a lot to me! :)

[....................]

My pleasure, ALG... I really love your descriptive writing...

[A Lonely Girl]

You are too kind! :)

[niya]

an irony of sadness, but very beautifully executed , and well structured thoughts .
good piece of writing indeed.

[A Lonely Girl]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate it! :)

[Danni Jones]

good story just a little loss of focus at times otherwise brilliant pls checkout my jurassic world review

[A Lonely Girl]

Loss of focus? Would you mind telling me where? Thanks

[Danni Jones]

Tbh when I reread it I found it was just my perspective and no fault of yours, a very niece piece indeed, pls review any of my work