In Deep Water

5 30 AM 

I'm disappearing.

I’m not sure where I’m going but I need to get lost, I haven't been feeling like myself. My mind is foggy, sleep is out of the question. 

I don’t think I have the words to explain how I feel because I'm not sure I know myself. I need to analyze it in depth. 

I’ve been avoiding this. 

No one can fully relate to you but, you with a different perspective. 

I remind myself of this, as I search for that person within me.

To help me on my road to release.

8 AM

The journey is more awakening than the destination.

Once I am still, I am aware I will be alone with my thoughts again.

Of course, they'll follow me. Even though i’m hoping there’s a small chance they will not.

But, a change in environment is a change of perspective and I’ve been told that’s the key. 

Right?

I look around, I’ve parked in a remote location. It’s somewhat peaceful. Solitary. By the water, which is really all I need. 

Picking up my laptop, I start typing. 

...

clarity, how do i attain it?

...

My thoughts aren’t scary, they just consume me. They fill my inner core with waves of all the feelings that possess me, until it’s eating at me from within and I feel so uncomfortable... like clawing out of my own skin. I need to get them the f**k out immediately.

Jesus, that’s accurate.

I guess I feel too deeply, I shouldn’t allow myself to feel everything.

I type.

how do i stop feeling...

I shake my head. That’s impossible. I can’t be an intuitive individual and actively try not to feel.

it’s about being in alignment...

Yes, I'm on the right track. 

I know when I make the right decisions my body feels good. Really light, in congruency. Even in the most shallow reflection, I just know that I am happy. My values and intuition are in parallel and in turn, my body presents me with a silent reward.

I guess poor decision making skills are a factor in my current state. 

…

clarity, how do i attain it?

it’s about being in alignment… the right decisions… where are you letting yourself down? 

...

For a moment, I start to feel like I'm making progress. The overwhelming feelings have subsided. I am more inclined to continue probing for the answers. 

The questions are coming naturally. Amazing.

The wind from the water is keeping me energized, yet relaxed. I recognize that even the smallest of things can make such a difference. 

I'll definitely be coming back, this is my new thinking spot.

My mind starts wandering… 

I bring it back to the status of my current life, hoping it ignites the spark in clarity of the area I should be re-evaluating. 

From the outside, it seemed like everything was going well. 

Family… Friends… Career-building...

My phone rings. The reaction is unwarranted. 

It comes rushing in, like a school of fish working through every canal in my body. The fog re-emerges, the discomfort - and I'm sent back. 

My calm environment is no match for the impact they have on me.

'even the smallest of things…'

As I watched the phone ring, the answer was clear. 

I hit decline, before I could second-guess my decision. I wasn’t ready to turn them away but when would I ever be?

Breathing a shaky sigh of relief, I regain control. 

…

clarity, how do i attain it?

it’s about being in alignment… the right decisions… where are you letting yourself down? 

How do I stay aligned? 

Never compromise your values for anyone.  

...

Reviews

[HadesRising]

Wow, that was just wow, I like you're style of writing.

[emipoemi]

I second this sentiment. It's like ready a story in Free Verse (you might consider line breaking certain lines and playing around with that idea - your call). But I love the flow of this story, and whether it was autobiographical to any extent, doesn't matter, this was freaking amazing! HadesRising took the words right out of my mouth with his "wow"'s. Well done!